


Another Second Chance

by CrashDevil (cjdevlin19)



Series: Happily Ever Eventually [5]
Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: F/M, Past Cheating, Past Rape/Non-con, Reader-Insert
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-28
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:08:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 44,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26151655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cjdevlin19/pseuds/CrashDevil
Summary: Y/n has spent the last five years avoiding her ex-boyfriend at all costs while she builds her career and works on her mental health. When fate forces an interaction for the sake of their son, Y/n has to learn the difference between the boogeyman she’s created of Jensen based upon their past and the man he’s become in the years she’s been away.~~~~~~~"Admit it, you had fun today." Jensen smiles just a bit and I just can't bring myself to lie."Yeah. I did.""And you can, obviously, handle bein' around me, right?" Where is he going with this?I stop at the porch and look up at him. "So, what?""So...Jared is putting together a reunion for the 20th anniversary of the pilot. As many cast and crew as we can get.” He wants me to go? “Misha said he won't show unless you do. It won't be the same without him, without you."
Relationships: Jensen Ackles/Reader
Series: Happily Ever Eventually [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1406923
Comments: 83
Kudos: 108





	1. Black Hole

**Summary** : It's been five years since Jensen broke Y/n's heart and she's avoided him completely, but avoidance only lasts so long.

**Story Warnings** : past cheating, little bit of background angst, mostly no warnings.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Things change. Either gradually or in catastrophic leaps, things change. Fact of life, unfortunately. Songs have been sung, books have been penned, movies have been made, all centered around that single inarguable fact.

When I was a younger woman, I thought that nothing really ever changed, that the facts of my life were that I was weak and stupid and I was always going to be in love with people who didn’t want me and were too good for me, that I was going to be miserable and alone forever. I was certain that I was the same person at 26 that I was at 16 and that’s just how things were always going to be.

I can honestly say, at 34 years old, I’m a different woman than I was at 16 or 26 or 30...and I may be alone, but I am not miserable.

I’m successful. I’m happy. I have friends and I have fans. I am well-rounded and, despite a hundred things working against me, well-adjusted. I’ve learned that I don’t need to be dating someone to be happy. In fact, without all the drama surrounding me whenever I do date someone, I’m happier. I have my children and I have my friends and I am happy. 2025 is shaping up to be one of my best years yet and I am ecstatic to see where it leads.

I’m sitting at my computer when my phone goes off. I don’t recognize the number so I Google it. King Woods Private School, the school Jensen wants to send Mav to. Weird that they’d call me when Jensen has primary custody. I answer immediately. “Hello?”

“Is this Miss Y/l/n? Maverick Ackles’ mother?”

“Yes, I am.”

“Hi, Ma’am. I’m Caroline Smith, Dean of Admissions for King Woods Private School. Your son’s father applied to our institution for the Fall semester for Kindergarten.”

“Oh, yeah. He told me. Said his father is very excited to get him in there.”

“His father didn’t tell you?”

“Mav’s nanny mentioned it, too, but...Jensen and I-”

“Had a very public falling out a few years ago, we’ve done our research,” she interrupts me. “But the thing is, King Woods is a very family-oriented institute and we need both parents to participate in all activities like monthly PTAs and volunteer nights. We need to make sure that both active parents can work together amicably. On that note, we have an admissions interview with little Maverick on Friday and we require your presence. Can you make it? 10:30 am.”

“Ten-thirty on Friday? Y-yeah. I can...I can totally do that. I will...see you then, Mrs. Smith.”

“See you then, ma’am. I’m looking forward to meeting you and your son. Goodbye.”

“Goodbye.” I set my phone to the side of my laptop and take a deep breath. Jensen and I haven’t been in the same room since NolaCon 2020. We’ve emailed a few times, but haven’t even spoken on the phone...in several years...and that’s better. It’s better for everyone if we don’t talk because then we don’t argue and we don’t fall into patterns that leave us in bad shape.

But for Maverick’s future, for Maverick’s good, I will have to do it.

I call Misha. He encourages me and tells me it’ll be okay. He supports me. He’s an amazing friend, has been for years, one of the few I got in the breakup. Most of our friends specifically _didn’t_ take sides. Kim and Briana and Misha, they sided with me...the girls a little more vocally than Meesh, but it ended up a small rift between Misha and Jensen. I put an end to J2M and it hurts a bit when I think about it. They still talk sometimes but nothing like they used to.

Jared still talks to me every once in a while, but he sided with Jensen. Of course he did. Jensen’s his brother. But Jared tries to keep me involved in his life, he tries to stay a friend...but he’s Jensen’s first, always has been.

“It’s gonna suck,” I say, shaking my head.

“Yeah. But still. You gotta do it, right?” Misha says and I chuckle. To the point with Mr. Collins.

“Yeah. I gotta do it. It’s just...I haven’t seen him in years. I mean...except pictures on Instagram. It’s gonna be weird.”

“You know what I say about weird, right?”

“Yeah. But this isn’t the GISH and Random Acts kinda weird, this is...a pit in my stomach that feels like a bowling ball and a fear of reversion to the person I was in the past kinda weird.”

“You’ve grown too much to revert and that bowling ball will go away when you get comfortable again.”

“That’s…that’s the problem. What happens if I get comfortable with him again, Misha?” I’m scared of it. “He’s like this black hole that sucks me in every time and the only way I’ve been able to stave off the destruction of my universe these last five years is to keep my distance. I don’t know what to do when I’m in close proximity to the black hole.”

“You can do this, Y/n. You won’t have any problems...and maybe Jensen’s grown over the last five years, too.”

“Well, you’ve talked to him more than I have. You’d know how much growing he’d done.”

“Yeah, but it’s not like we’re spending all our time together anymore.”

I nod. “So...hope for the best, that he’s grown and things will be okay, and keep my distance from the dark vortex.”

“Exactly.” Misha smiles and looks directly at the camera. “You got this.”

Yeah, I do. I got this.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wear an embroidered black silk Joanna Mastroianni dress to the interview. Not a lot of makeup, but enough to accentuate my features. I keep my hair out of my face and I wear sensible, cute shoes. I look good, but not like I’m _trying_ to look good. I look like I’m trying to look presentable and classy for the people in charge of my son’s education.

I make it to the school first and I sit in a plush chair in the waiting room and wait with my legs crossed neatly to the side. I pull out my phone and start playing a game of Solitaire.

“Mommy!” Maverick’s voice pulls my attention away from the Seven of Hearts that is stuck behind the Six of Diamonds that is arresting my forward momentum in the game. I smile as he runs at me, full-speed, and I slip my phone in my purse as he throws his arms around my neck. “I missed you!”

“I missed you too, Mav!” I exclaim. I lean back and look into the beautiful green eyes he inherited from his father. “Have you been having fun with Daddy?”

“Yes! All the time!” Mav says.

He turns his head to look at the door to the lobby as Jensen walks in. Holy shit. He let his hair grow out a bit...little longer than when he was playing a demon. It's multi toned, what would be called 'Salt and Pepper' in any other man, but it looks more like 'Walnut and light Roux' on him. He's rocking his ginger beard and it has some actual salt in the color. He's wearing a blue suit...a masterpiece tailored to take away your breath. The man knows how to make an entrance.

He's still gorgeous...and I’m still stuck on him. Fuck.

I stand and take Mav’s hand as Jensen steps closer. I focus on his forehead. I can’t look at those eyes. I can’t look at those lips or those freckles on his cheeks. Forehead is safe. He tucks his hands in the pockets of his slacks and licks his lips. “Hi,” I greet him, and my voice sounds awkward, too high-pitched.

“Hey,” he responds and oh, God, that voice.

Breathe. Stay away from the singularity, avoid being pulled into the black hole. “You doin’ good?”

He nods. “Yeah. You?”

“Just fine.” Dying, being sucked into a vortex in space.

He opens his mouth like he’s gonna say something else when a tall brunette woman in a smart pantsuit walks out of the office. “Mr. Ackles? Miss Y/l/n?” We nod as she drops to kneel in front of Mav and me. “And this must be little Maverick.”

Mav turns and hides his face in my skirt. “Sorry. He’s a little shy around new people. He’ll warm up to you.”

“It’s okay. It’s natural.” She stands and extends her hand to me and then Jensen, shaking our hands. “Good to see you both here. So, we’re going to take Maverick in and watch him play a bit, get a sense of his social and developmental placement and if he’s a good fit for King Woods, then we will make that happen.”

Jensen and I nod, then I gently pull Mav away from my legs. “You’re gonna go with the nice lady and play with some toys, answer some questions, okay? You can rock that, right, buddy?” Mav nods and smiles at me and Jensen.

“And you two will be just fine out here together, right?” Mrs. Smith says. She’s making sure we won’t freak out on each other. Freaking out on each other is not the problem.

“Of course we will,” Jensen answers. “We’re gonna park ourselves right here in these chairs and wait for you to tell us how brilliant our boy is.” He winks at the woman and she swoons a bit...I have to stop myself from doing the same as I step back toward the chair I was sitting in before. She offers Maverick her hand and he looks back at me before he takes it and follows her as she leads him away toward a playroom. I play with the hem of my dress for a few moments as Jensen takes the seat next to me, his bowlegs stretching out in front of him a bit. “So...listened to that cover album you did...with, uh, Rob, Rich, and Mark. It came out real good. ‘A Little Dive Bar in Dahlonega’ was perfect.”

I look down and my cheeks heat up. “Thanks. Uh...you and Steve are working on Volume Four, right? How’s that comin’?”

“Pretty good. Not bad at all, actually.” There’s a moment of silence and I sneak a look at him. He’s biting his bottom lip. Black hole, black hole, black hole. “Oh, and how’s that Shakespeare thing goin’?”

My eyes light up and I look over at him. “Midsummer! Yes. My pet project! It’s coming. Rich has signed on to direct a few episodes and Matt signed up to be my Puck. I’m really excited to see what we can do with that universe. Fairies are so my jam!”

“Are you just producing and writing it, or are you gonna be acting in it?” he asks, leaning forward, showing interest, active listening.

“I’m Hermia, actually. It’s coming along very well.”

“That’s really good. I’m...happy for you.” He smiles and I bite my tongue. God. This is bad. This is so fucking bad. I look away from him. “So, uh, I heard that you RSVP’d to Padalecki’s July Fourth barbecue, but you never showed up.”

I shake my head and sigh. Of course Jared told him I flaked on Independence Day. “Yeah. I was, uh...I was _gonna_ go but-”

“But then you heard my shoot in Georgia got rescheduled and I wasn’t gonna be in Atlanta like I planned so you decided not to risk runnin’ into me?” he guesses.

“Yeah.” I nod and look over at him. “It was fine. I ended up watching fireworks with Nova over Skype.”

“You know...it’s been years. You don’t have to avoid me. We can be adults. Jared misses you.”

I lick my lips and nod. “It’s just hard for me to be around you. I miss Jared too, but I can’t be around _you_. It’s too hard.”

“This is hard?” he asks. I open my mouth to respond ‘Unbelievably’, but he keeps talking. “Because it’s not hard for me. It's the most natural thing in the world to me.”

I close my eyes and shake my head, settling back in the chair to lean away from him. “This is why it’s hard.” I open my eyes and pull my phone out to finish that game of Solitaire.

He doesn’t say anything else until Mrs. Smith walks out with Maverick fifteen minutes later. “They had a lot of toys in there!” Maverick shouts.

“Indoor voice, Mav,” I say as I stand up. I focus on Mrs. Smith. “So?”

She smiles brightly. “He’s a brilliant child. We would absolutely love to have him here at King Woods.”

“That’s great news!” Jensen exclaims.

“Indoor voice, Jay,” I joke before it hits me that I just called him ‘Jay’ and teased him. Slippery slope. Don’t get comfortable. “Uh, a-anyway. That _is_ great news.”

“We’ll send you the information for tuition and supplies. It was wonderful to meet you both,” Mrs. Smith says.

I bend down and give Mav a hug as she walks away. “You’re awesome, kiddo. I’ll see you this weekend, okay?”

“Okay, Mommy!”

He runs to his dad and I pick up my purse, stepping toward the door. Jensen puts his hand out as he picks Maverick up to hold him on the other side. He pulls me into a half hug and I go stiff as his hand lands on the small of my back. God, he smells so good...and his hand is so big and…

I pull away and lick my lips. “You and Daddy have fun, Mav!” I almost run out of the lobby and into the parking lot.


	2. The Heart Won't Lie

**Summary** : It's hard to avoid feelings and regrets when stuck in the cab of a Ford truck.

**Story Warnings** : past cheating, little bit of angst, mostly no warnings.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"It was not a disaster," Kim disputes over my computer speakers.

"It was the Hindenburg, Kim." I shake my head. "I called him 'Jay'."

"It's a friendly nickname, Y/n, not a-" Kim says and Bri nods in agreement as she drinks her whiskey.

"No. No, it's not!" I argue. "It intimates a level of comfort that I cannot have with him! If it wouldn't be weirder, I'd be calling him 'Mr. Ackles' because that's the sort of detachment I need to have here!" I sigh and take a drink of my own whiskey. "These school functions are gonna kill me."

"Bullshit," Bri snorts. "You slipped once...on a _word_. You didn't throw yourself at him or fight with him. You kept distant and, for a second, you let yourself be in the past. That isn't a disaster. It's not Titanic, the ship. It's Titanic, the movie. Overall, an amazing thing but they both coulda fit on that damn door and it's gonna bug people for the rest of our lives!"

I stare at her blankly for a minute before I start laughing. "Okay, yeah, you're right, it's not as bad as I think it is but still...can't do it again."

“Then don’t.” Bri takes a drink and I smile at her. “How’d he look?”

“Bri,” Kim chastises and I shrug.

“Like...Like Jensen always looks.”

“So, hot as Hell?” Bri guesses and I laugh.

“You’re not helping,” Kim growls.

“What?! He might’a been a dick but the man is sex on bowlegs and always has been!”

“He looked like Heaven in a three-piece suit,” I admit. “But the man can make anything look good. I mean, look at that stupid hat he wore all the time when he and Steve started up Radio Company. Absurd hat...looked horrible on Steve. Would’ve looked horrible on anyone...except Jensen.” I shake my head. “Anyway, gotta keep things from getting too close, too comfortable.”

"You've managed it for five years, hon, you can stay detached,” Bri says.

“I stayed detached for five years because I stayed away from him,” I respond. “I don’t know how I’m gonna do this.”

“With love and support from your friends,” Kim says, winking at me.

I nod. “Yeah. Well, I’ll be on the phone to you guys as much as possible.”

“We’ll be here,” they promise.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jensen sends me an email on Monday.

**I’m taking Mad Max to get fitted for his school uniform on Wednesday morning. You should come with us.**

What do I say? “No, I don’t want to spend time with my son on a day that I wouldn’t normally get to even see him because it’s not every other weekend or a holiday?” I tell him I'll meet him on Wednesday.

He responds within fifteen minutes.

**It makes more sense for us to go together. The tailor is in San Ant. No reason for us to waste the gas. If you're okay with it, can I pick you up?**

Oh no. What...is...I _can't_ , can I? I can't be in a truck with Jensen for two hours each way! I can’t do that! It’s too close! That’s, like, five hours in close proximity to the black hole...but it _is_ such a long drive, and it’s a lot of gas...and I don’t want to do that drive alone.

I type out ‘Yeah, sure’ but I can’t. Right? I can’t do this. This is a bad idea. It makes more sense to just meet them there and do the drive by myself and stay away from him.

My finger slips as I go to exit out of my Gmail. “Shit!” I guess ‘Yeah, sure’ is my answer then. Shit.

Shit. Shit. Shit!

I can’t go. I won’t answer the door. I can’t...but I can’t flake on Mav like that. I can just imagine how happy he is to get to see me. But I can’t do this! God, I am such an idiot. Why can’t I just turn off the feelings and move on? I’ve done five years of growing, why am I scared of being around him? I’m a better woman than I was five years ago!

This is such a bad idea. This is so bad. This is…

"Just tell him you changed your mind," I tell my reflection on Wednesday morning. "Tell Jensen that you changed your mind and you'll meet him there. No big deal, right?"

Except that it is.

God, this is stupid. It's a fucking car ride! Why am I freaking out?

I can do this. I’m a phoenix. I’m a badass. I’m a grown woman pulling out my hair about a car ride with my ex. I roll my eyes at myself and sigh out a lungful of air. Ridiculous. I’m ridiculous.

I dress in blue jeans and an old Wayward AF tank top. I put on a pair of black combat-style booties and the white high-ponytail cap that says ‘Genius by Birth, Texan by Choice’ that a fan gave me at Fandemic Comic Con in Houston. I can do this. I can totally do this. I will not get pulled into the black hole.

He rings the doorbells and my phone goes off. I check that it’s Jensen at the door and gasp. He’s dressed down, too; wearing a pair of jeans, boots, his Arlyn Studios baseball cap, and a denim button-up over a black tee. It’s infuriating how good he looks.

I take a deep breath and I only have a brief thought of hiding before I walk over to the door and open it. He looks almost relieved to see me at the door. “Hey.”

“Hi,” I respond. I pull my purse off of the hook by the door and follow him out to the truck. Black Ford pickup...a Ranger, maybe? I can see Mav excitedly waving at me from the backseat. Oh, he’s so adorable. “So, is Maverick excited for school?”

“Definitely. He keeps talkin’ ‘bout all the friends he’s gonna make. Birdie and the twins keep tellin’ him stories about _their_ school. He can’t wait.”

“I was curious about that. Why didn’t you-” Jensen opens the shotgun side door for me and I lick my lips. I haven’t been his shotgun rider for years. This is awkward. I consider climbing into the back with Mav instead, but he opened the door for me...so I grab the JC bar and pull myself up into the cab. “-get Mav into the same school as the rest of your kids?”

Jensen closes the door and runs around the hood to the driver’s door as I turn to blow a kiss at Mav and say ‘hi’. “King Woods is a better school. A lot of the kids from Mav’s daycare got in. I wanted him with his friends.” He turns on the truck and sets off toward San Antonio. Country music on the radio, familiar roads out in front of us, Jensen behind the wheel, he smells so good. Shit. This was a bad idea. “So...how, uh, how’s your folks doin’?”

“Pretty okay. They moved up to Washington.”

“And Nova? Still with Nate in Florida?”

I nod. “She starts high school next year...same halls I walked…” I shake my head and scoff. “She got in a fight the last day of seventh grade ‘cause some boy was harassing a girl in the cafeteria, popping her bra and poking her inappropriately. Nova laid the boy out and shouted, ‘She didn’t consent to you touching her!’ at the top of her lungs.”

“Wow. Proud of her.” Jensen smiles and I can’t help smiling, too.

“Yeah. She, uh...she’s real woke about consent...since she read about what Tom did to me, she’s kinda ‘feminist warrior’ about preventing that sort of injustice.”

Jensen’s quiet for a minute before chuckling. “Do people still say ‘woke’?”

I laugh. “I just _did_.”

“Yeah, true.”

Mav distracts me for a few minutes, telling me a story about the video game he was playing with Zep and how he’s a lot better at the puzzles than Zep but Zep is faster on the action and neither of the boys were even close to how good Arrow is at it and she’s his smartest sister and she’s gonna help him with math and she’s already been teaching him ‘multiplies’ to fives.

The music changes and my heart aches in my chest. I haven't heard Reba and Vince Gill sing "The Heart Won't Lie" in, probably, twenty years, but fate chooses now to make me hear it. Now, while I'm with Jensen and I'm already having trouble. I'm in trouble...because Jensen’s started to sing. " _Looking back over the years. Of All the things I've always meant to say. But words didn't come easily. So many times through empty fears. Of all of the nights I tried to pick up the phone. So scared of who might be answering. You try to live your life from day to day. But seeing you across the room tonight. Just gives me away._ " God, why is he singing? Why is this song on? Why does his voice still give me chills and make me gasp and make my stomach twist like a balloon animal is being created with my insides? " _Cause the heart won't lie. Sometimes life gets in the way. But there's one thing that won't change. I know I've tried. The heart won't lie. You can live your alibi. Who can see you're lost inside a foolish disguise. The heart won't lie._ "

Fuck.

" _Long after tonight. Will you still hear my voice through the radio. Old desires make us act carelessly,_ " I sing under my breath. I can't help it. " _Long after tonight, after the fire. After the scattered ashes fly. Through the four winds blown and gone. Will you come back to me?_ " Thankfully, he picks up with me so it's less "A duet of our repression" and more "two people singing a good song that happened to come on".

" _You try to live your life from day to day. But seeing you across the room tonight. Just gives me away. Cause the heart won't lie. Sometimes life gets in the way. But there's one thing that won't change. I know I've tried. The heart won't lie. You can live your alibi. Who can see you're lost inside a foolish disguise. The heart won't lie._ "

"That was pretty!" Mav exclaims from his booster seat and I nod in agreement as I look out the window and avoid even peripherally looking at Jay.

"That song is almost as old as Mommy, Mav. It's by a guy named Vince Gill and one of Mommy's favorite country singers, Reba McIntire," I explain.

"Reba's got some real good songs. Your mom really likes her version of 'Fancy'." He remembers.

Of course he does. How many times did I sing that one at a con? It’s not a big deal.

Cons were awesome. I miss them. I miss…

“How’s Jared been?” I ask, suddenly. There’s a Carrie Underwood song on the radio and Mav is dancing in the backseat and I need something else in the air so I can stop thinking.

“He’s great. Him and Gen are training for another marathon so he’s dropped a bunch’a weight again. Brought him a box of Krispy Kremes last time I saw him, told him he looked scrawny.” Jensen laughs and my breath catches. God, this is so hard.

“Yeah, he does slim down a lot when he’s endurance training.”

There’s silence in the truck for a few minutes, music filling it. “So...Nova’s turned into a radical feminist, huh?”

“Yeah. Somehow it’s made her very popular amongst her peers...which is telling of the times since I was afraid to even allude to being a feminist when I was her age. Everyone always treated ‘feminist’ like a dirty word when I was young. And she doesn’t call herself _just_ a feminist, either. Because she’s so big on equality across the board, she calls herself an ‘equalist’ or a ‘radical anti-racist feminist’. She got suspended for ‘insubordination’ in sixth grade for inciting a riot in her math class.”

“Inciting a riot?” He looks over at me with wide eyes before turning back. “Nova...incited a riot?”

“According to the teacher, yeah. Mr. Mayo said that he told her and another girl to be quiet and they refused so he threatened them with detention and they started shouting and throwing things and the whole class joined in...according to Mr. Mayo.”

“And according to Nova?”

“Mr. Mayo was picking on a girl in her class, a Black girl named Kiara. She was wearing a gele, a bright headwrap, and he called it a distraction. Nova pointed out the bright green John Deere hat that the football player behind her was wearing. The teacher said it was different. Nova asked if it was different because he was a boy or because he’s white. The teacher got flustered, told Kiara to take the ‘hat’ off and when she wouldn’t, he moved to take it off for her and Nova threw her binder at him. She told him to back off, that he didn’t know what he was doing so he shouldn’t touch her headwrap unless he wanted to ruin it. Kiara started crying, Nova got more angry, shouted at him to back up and give the other girl room. When he didn’t, the other kids started throwing pens and pencils at him. He called that a ‘riot’. The principal wanted to send her to the charter academy for discipline cases, but...I guess having a mom with a recognizable face helps sometimes.”

“You got her out of trouble?” he asks.

“Nope. Not really. Just kept her from being over-punished. She had suspension for a week and a half. She had to deal with that. And if her suspension involved DisneyWorld and Universal Studios, that’s a completely separate thing,” I say with a smile.

“She’s a little badass justice fighter,” he says, pride in his voice.

“I don’t know where she gets it from.”

“I do.”

I look over at him. His cheeks have gone a bit pink. Fuck. His freckles. Shit. I shake my head and look out the window. “Anyway, I think that’s part of the reason she’s popular. She’s got a few boys that follow her around. She...doesn’t pay them much attention. She spends all of her time with her girl friends. Looks like Nate might get his wish...not that it’d be a bad thing if he did.”

“The whole ‘I hope she ends up being a lesbian so I don’t have to deal with boyfriends’ thing?”

“Yep. Or she might just not want any of that. As long as she’s happy, I don’t care.”

“What’s a lez-ian?” Maverick asks and I chuckle and turn in my seat.

“A lesbian is a woman who doesn’t feel any attraction to men, she only feels attraction to other women,” I answer.

“Oh...like gay but a lady?”

“How do you know what ‘gay’ means?” I ask.

“Zep was using it as an insult so we had to sit down and have a family discussion about that word and what it means and why it’s not an insult or a synonym for ‘lame’,” Jensen explains.

I nod. He’s a good dad. “Uh, yeah, buddy. Lesbian is like gay but for ladies.” I turn to Jensen. “He picked that up quick.”

“He’s smart. Gets that from you.” My face heats up and I look away from him.

Yeah. I’m a freakin’ genius.


	3. Don't Come Closer

**Summary** : Can Y/n hold on to the bad memories when there's a thousand good memories vying for her attention?

**Story Warnings** : past cheating, little bit of angst, little bit of self-harm urges

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Oh, my god, Mav. You looked so cute in your little uniform!” I squeal as we leave the tailor.

Jensen chuckles. “You’re adorable,” he says under his breath and my stomach flips. Shit. He clicks Maverick into his booster seat and looks a bit disappointed when he sees that I’ve let myself into the cab by the time he’s done. He clears his throat when he settles into the driver’s seat. “You hungry?”

“Yes!” Mav shouts from the back.

“Hey, we’re right here, buddy. Indoor voice,” Jensen reminds him before turning to look at me. “What about you, Y/n? Wanna grab a little lunch?”

My throat goes dry and I just stare at him for a minute. Nobody said anything about lunch. I wasn’t...we can’t...I...shouldn’t but...Mav’s hungry...and so am I, but this is too intimate, right? Maybe we could get-

“Mommy! We could get chicken strips and fries!” Mav exclaims and...I can’t...he’s so excited.

“Yeah. Sure. Lunch sounds good."

Jensen takes us to a Saltgrass Steakhouse and he runs around to open the door for me when we get there. Why is he insisting on being a perfect gentleman? He’s not playing fair. The door, the song earlier, lunch? Shit. Not fair.

Mav takes my hand as we go across the parking lot, then grabs Jensen’s. “I get to eat with Mommy _and_ Daddy!”

Oh. God. This is...this _is_ the first time he’s ever gotten to share a meal with both of his parents at the same time. Oh, God. Oh, God. I’ve deprived him of so much by leaving him at such a young age. What else did I steal from his youth by refusing to-

Jensen pulls open the door and steps out of the way until Mav and I walk into the restaurant. “Welcome to Saltgrass. My name’s Dana. Just thr-” A tall, skinny brunette walks up to the hostess stand and stops in her tracks when she looks up at us. “You’re Y/n Y/l/n!” she squeals.

That’s weird. Jensen always used to get recognized first. I smile. “Hi. Dana, right?” I offer her the hand that Maverick isn’t squeezing. “Nice to meet you, hon!”

"I loved you in Snowpiercer an-and you were awesome as Hilda in Robber Bridegroom!"

"Thank you," I say, my cheeks heating up with embarrassment as I notice people turning in their seats to see what's causing her to freak out.

"You wanna selfie? Or I could take a pic for you," Jay offers and she squeaks.

"Oh, my God, would you?" She hands him her phone and he takes a picture of us hugging. She squeals again when she sees the pic, then grabs two menus and a coloring book menu with crayons. "Your son is just adorable, by the way. He's totally got your nose. If you need anything, I'll be up front," she says as she sets the menus down on a table in the back.

“You remember the first time I took you out for a steak dinner and I told you one day there’d be people recognizing you in restaurants and asking for selfies and autographs and you told me you doubted it?” Jensen says, opening the menu and looking over the selection.

“Yep...that was after my meeting with Marvel. I remember. Weird she recognized _me_ , though.”

“You been workin’ a lot more than this old man lately. Your face is out there, your _voice_ is out there more than mine.”

I scoff at ‘old man’ but I don’t dispute it because my mind is stuck in 2018. The meeting with Marvel that happened the day after my first night with Jensen. That feels like a million years ago. So much has been gained and lost in the interim. But things were good then. We were good then.

“Oh, look, they’ve got Cowboy on tap!” I exclaim quietly as my eyes slide over the drink menu.

“Oh? Cool.” He sounds completely disinterested in his own beer. Okay...that’s...that’s weird. He was so passionate about the brewery before. “Think I’m gonna have a porterhouse. You?” Of course he’s getting the biggest steak on the menu.

“Chicken Laredo looks good. You gonna get tenders and fries, baby?” I ask, reaching out to push Mav’s hair out of his face. “You need a haircut. Getting hair like Daddy’s hiatus hair.”

“Daddy’s always got hiatus hair now,” Jensen says and I smile as he takes his hat off and sets it in his lap. Oh. Daddy does have hiatus hair. Long, beautiful, tuggable...I look back down at the menu, squeezing my thighs together to help with the sudden heat and tingling. Don’t get turned on, dumbass. Off-limits, no reminiscing, don’t think about 2018 or that wonderful hair or those fingers he's drumming against the table...shit.

I shift in my chair and bite my lip. Is it too early for a cocktail? I check my phone. 3:30. Hmmm. Probably too early. I’ll have a drink when I get home...not that it’s gonna help me much with the issue I’m having right now.

The server comes over, Mav gets a Sprite and his tenders and fries. I order the Chicken Laredo and a Coke. Jensen gets a porterhouse and a sweet tea. Maverick starts talking about school and dancing in his seat and it’s a welcome distraction from the fact that I’ve literally started _craving_ his father. This is so not good.

We make conversation. Small talk as we eat. I just want to be home, by myself so I don’t have to worry about pushing down my feelings.

“Can we split this?” I ask when the check comes. “Right down the middle?”

“My steak was a lot more expensive than your chicken, sweetheart,” Jensen says, reaching out to grab the check before I can stop him. “I got this.”

“Jensen, com’on.” He called me ‘sweetheart’. “At least let me pay for mine.”

“I got this,” he repeats. I roll my eyes and settle back into my seat as he hands the check and his card to the server.

“You shouldn’t have done that.”

“Is it such a terrible thing for me to pay for your fuckin’ chicken?” he asks quietly.

“Language,” I scold him. But that’s a good question. Is it such a terrible thing to let him pay for my lunch? He is the one who invited me. Is it a feminist thing? Or a ‘I don’t wanna owe him anything’ thing? Or is it just too damn familiar?

“It’s just a word. Mad Max knows that’s a grownup word, right, buddy?”

“Yup! Daddy has a bunch of words I’m not a-sposed to say ‘til I’m growed up!”

I sigh and pick up an errant piece of cilantro from the table. "Thank you for lunch, Jensen."

"You’re welcome, Y/n. Maybe next time, I'll order the chicken and _you_ can pay." He sounds a bit smug. And 'next time'?

"Right. In another five years," I mutter.

Jensen looks away at that and licks his lips and I, of course, immediately start thinking about that tongue and those lips and the kisses we shared and the first kiss...and the last one...and the one he shared with Danneel at San Jac. Oh, good, I'm not horny anymore.

I pull out my phone and check the time before standing. "My agent messaged me. I'm gonna go call her. Meet you at the truck," I lie as I grab my purse and walk out. Dana waves at me as I go and I smile politely as I put the phone to my ear.

This is the feeling I need to hold onto. The good times were great but this feeling is what our relationship boiled down to. He broke me. I had to put myself back together from the pieces he left...with affirmations and antidepressants and a few good friends and...Scotch Tape. Not even Duck Tape. Maybe glue sticks, I don't know...it wasn't very adhesive, anyway. Stupid metaphor getting away from me.

I have to hold onto this memory...because I can't get stuck in the good times. The good times aren't what broke me.

I take my hat off and scratch along my hairline, nails digging into my forehead a little more than they should. Don’t do that. Don’t hurt yourself to deal with the emotions, you stupid bitch.

I dial Dr. McCaulief's office and tell her receptionist I need a Skype meeting, I need it tonight and I'll pay whatever extra fees for short notice and after hours. Dr. McCaulief gets on and says she'll see me in our video chat at 8. Thank God.

Jensen and Mav walk out as I'm getting off the phone and I climb into the cab as Mav gets in the back. "Everything okay? With your agent?" Jensen asks as he starts the truck.

"Yeah. I've gotta send in an audition for this Netflix thing. Director wants to make sure I can play a bad A-S-S Elven warrior for his Dungeons and Dragons movie." It's not so much a lie as retelling a conversation I had yesterday and misrepresenting that it happened just now. "I'm kinda the perfect proportions for a wood elf, though, so once I show that I can shoot a bow and arrow without doing the Orlando Bloom arrow-toss thing, I'm sure I'll get the part."

"Nerd," he accuses with a smirk. "I'm sure they'd be lucky to have you...and you would look adorable with pointy ears."

God, he just...won't stop. Jesus.

Thankfully, he turns the radio up as he starts the trek back to Austin. I can focus on Florida-Georgia Line and old Rascal Flatts and Maren Morris and Thomas Rhett and...Dierks Bentley. Fuck, Dierks Bentley brings back all kinds of-

" _Come a little closer baby, I feel like layin' you down, On a bed of sweet surrender, Where we can work it all out._ " I'm gonna scream. I'm going to scream bloody murder in this truck if he keeps singing. " _There ain't nothing that love can't fix. Girl, it's right here at our fingertips. So come a little closer baby, I feel like layin' you down. Come a little closer baby, I feel like lettin' go, Of everything that stands between us, And the love we used to know. I wanna touch you like a cleansin' rain, And let it wash all the hurt away."_

And why _this_ song? Why not one of the party songs or The Mountain or...why this one?

" _If there’s still a chance, Then take my hand, And we'll steal away, Off into the night, 'til we make things right. The sun's gonna rise on a better day._ "

"Do you _have_ to sing?!" I blurt out. Those lyrics, his voice. I can't. "Especially Dierks, do you really have to...can you not, please?"

Instead of looking offended or pissed off, Jensen just smirks. "I didn't know my singing still got to you like that. Sorry." Oh, that smug asshole. ‘Didn’t know it got to-’ Really?! Really, Jensen? He reaches out and changes the radio station to the classic rock station and that’s better. Van Halen is better than Dierks Bentley in this situation.

It takes a few dozen miles, but I eventually relax back into the seat. We hum some Nirvana and then some Metallica and, weirdly, Daughtry. ‘Houses of the Holy’ comes on and Jensen just looks at me. “Come on, I _have_ to.”

I can’t help but smile. “Yeah, you do. Gotta let Dean outta your head every once in a while.”

“You don’t know what I do in the bathroom mirror,” he jokes and I laugh as he starts singing.

The rest of the ride is easy. The rest of the ride is fun. When he pulls into my driveway, I get out and I say goodbye to Mav, tell him I’ll see him on Saturday and I turn to say goodbye to Jensen, but he’s out of the truck and waiting for me by the front bumper. I shut the doors and start toward my porch. He follows me.

"Admit it, you had fun today." Jensen smiles just a bit and I just can't bring myself to lie.

"Yeah. I did."

"And you can, obviously, handle bein' around me, right?" Where is he going with this?

I stop at the porch and look up at him. "So, what?"

"So...Jared is putting together a reunion for the 20th anniversary of the pilot. As many cast and crew as we can get.” He wants me to go? “Misha said he won't show unless you do. It won't be the same without him, without _you_."

I bite my lip and look away from him. “Just cast and crew?”

“Yeah. I know that Rob’s gonna be there, Richard, Felicia, DJ, Tahmoh, Mark and Mark, Alex, Sam, Sebastian said he’d try, Adam said he’d try, Emily has a tentative gig, but if it falls through she’ll be there and Osric promised to show up.” He licks his lips. “He sent a call out to the crew, too. All the makeup ladies said they’d be up for it and the camera guys. We really want...You should come,” he concludes.

“I don’t know, Jay-Jensen,” I correct myself.

“Jared and I aren’t the only ones that miss you. It’s one day...one day with a bunch of friends you haven’t seen in years. You can handle that.” He steps up closer to me. “Please, Y/n.”

Fuck. How can I say no?

“Yeah. Okay. Have Jared email me.” He smiles and all those beautiful teeth show. “Have a good night, Jensen.”

“You too, Y/n,” he says, reaching out to pat my naked shoulder.

His hand on my skin...fuck, that isn't even an erogenous zone! Shouldn’t have worn a tank top.

I pull away and let out a 'goodbye' before I rush up my porch steps into my house. I turn off the alarm and turn it back on again before running to my room. I have to get ready for my appointment with Dr. McCaulief. I need her to tell me how crazy I am for interacting with him.


	4. Let It Go

**Summary** : Y/n misses her friends. Is it time to let go of the pain so that she can be with them again?

 **Story Warnings** : past cheating, little bit of angst, little bit of self-harm urges

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“You know I don’t like that word, Y/n. Besides, I don’t think you are crazy for spending time with Jensen. I say it’s about time, actually.”

I stare at Dr. McCaulief through my laptop for a minute before I shake my head. “What? ‘About time’? What does that mean?”

“The fact that you have a child together and you've managed to avoid seeing him for almost five years is a type of avoidance most people wouldn’t be able to commit to. It’s a matter of fear for you, not an effort to be good to yourself. It’s like an agoraphobic avoiding leaving home. It’s fear of what might happen if they leave that stops them.”

“So...you think I’m, what, confronting my fears now? Because I’m not. If anything, this confirmed my fears! I was drooling over him half the day! I-I kept thinking about the good times and missing what we used to have and thinking about the sex. Doc, do you know how long it’s been since I had any sex, let alone sex like _that_?” I exclaim. “I can’t be around him! This can’t be a-a thing.”

“You’ve spent five years focusing on the bad, and of course the bad was extreme, but you’ve pushed away every bit of good that you had. Being around Jensen forces you to remember that there _were_ good times.”

I nod. “Yeah,” I admit quietly.

“Tell me why that scares you so much.”

I swallow and take a deep breath. “Because...infatuation makes you...ignore the bad stuff, right? Psychologically, liking someone makes you overproduce the happy chemicals and it makes you ignore things; red flags, shit things they’ve said and done. Being around him makes me want to forget that he broke me. If I’m around him...there’s no way he doesn’t break me again.”

“And you don’t think you could come back from it twice,” she guesses. I nod. “Do you think he might’ve changed over the last five years? Maybe changed some of his selfish tendencies, kept the things you saw in him that made you fall for him?”

I shrug. “I don’t know,” I say, but I know some things are different. Just a few I picked up on.

“And if you continue to avoid him, you’ll never find out.”

“Wait, are you telling me to give Jensen another chance?” I ask, shaking my head

“No. I think you’ve done perfectly fine for yourself without a lover, Y/n, but I think hiding is not helping you, anymore.”

I scratch at my eyebrows and chew at the inside of my lip. “I’m...not hiding. ‘Avoiding’, I’ll give you but ‘hiding’ makes me sound like a coward.”

“I don’t think you’re a coward. I think focusing on your pain has worked very well to keep it from recurring, but now is the time to stop focusing on you pain and let it go.”

“‘Let it go’? Just like that?”

“No. You’ll have to work at it, but those happy chemicals your brain releases when you’re around him might _actually_ help you let it go.”

I sigh and look at my lap. “What if I fall in love with him again?”

“Did you ever actually fall out of love with him?” she asks. I hate when she does the ‘question with a question’ thing. Especially when I don’t like how my answer answers my question. “Your relationship didn’t fail for lack of love, did it?”

“No, it failed for too much love. He had too much love to be held to just one woman.”

“I remember...but does that mean you don’t trust him at all? You can’t even try to be...friends?”

I run my hand over my face. “I don’t know,” I whisper.

“I think you can. I think you’re ready. I think you’re tense and it’s making you overanalyze, but I think you can handle it. I think you can do these school functions and Jared’s party and I think you can come out the other side not only unbroken, but stronger and happier for letting your pain go.”

I guess there’s something to say for dropping the hot coal instead of holding it tighter. “Okay. I will...try to...let it go.”

“You know I’m here for you. I’ll see you in my office on the second, okay?” I nod. “Have a night night.”

‘Let it go’. Six years with this woman and her advice is a Frozen song? Great.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“You’re going?” Misha asks, eyebrow high.

“No shit, really?” Bri asks, her eyes lighting up.

“And you haven't been coerced or blackmailed or-” Misha continues.

“No. No blackmail. Jensen asked, I said ‘yes’, Dr. McCaulief said it was a good idea, that it might help me let go of my pain. So, I’m going. Y’all gonna be there?”

“I have to go now. I told ‘em I would if you did. I wasn’t expecting you to say ‘yes’, so I’ll have to get my accommodations set up, but…” Misha scoffs. “I’m proud of you! You’re facing this head-on!”

“It’s not a big deal. I’ll probably just hang out with you guys the whole party. Haven’t seen y’all in person in months.”

“Yeah, when’s the last time you saw Jared?” Kim asks. “You really think you won’t get pulled into Moose-orbit?”

I laugh. It’s been longer than five years. I didn’t even see him at the last Creation con I did. “Well, I know I’m gonna get crushed by at least one cowboy hug. After that, I’m sure he’ll be too busy.”

“He hasn’t seen you in years. He won’t be too busy,” Bri argues.

“Well, maybe but...dude knows where I live. If he wanted to see me, he could have.”

“Not really,” Kim says. “Not when you were avoiding any reminder of Jensen, he couldn’t. Now that you’re not avoiding so much...Jared’ll be happy to see you.”

“Are you ladies gonna be there?” I deflect. I’d rather not think on the years I’ve lost with Jared because of Jensen.

“Oh, yah! We gotta go now, don’t we, Kim?”

“Wouldn’t miss a chance to see you in person,” Kim says with a smile.

“We saw each other in person three months ago.” I laugh.

“Still. It’s an opportunity not to be wasted.”

I’m lucky to have them. “You’re right. I’m gonna be counting down the days.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I think it’s a crappy idea. He’s just going to hurt you again,” Nova says.

I smile at her even though she can’t see me. “Nova, am I dating him? Am I back with him? No, I’m spending time with him because of your brother.”

“And the party? That’s _not_ for Maverick.”

“No, it’s for my friends. I haven’t seen Jared since the wrap party, baby. We’ve only spoken through email.”

“That’s because he sided with Jensen. If he’d sided with you-”

“He was always going to side with Jensen, Nova. No matter what shitty thing Jensen did, Jared would stand by him. They didn’t just play brothers on TV...and just because Misha broke the Bro Code doesn’t mean I should have expected Jare to.”

“Well, the Bro Code is ridiculous and antiquated. Jared should have stood by you. You’re not the one who messed up.”

“And in a perfect world that would matter, but in the real world, friendship trumps who’s right. And...honestly, baby, I’m sick of that crap still running my life all these years later. It’s been dictating my existence since the video hit the web and I’m done. I wanna be around people I like. So...I’m doing it.”

“Fine. But Jared better apologize to you.”

I just chuckle. “I’ll make sure to tell him my teen daughter demands he apologize.”

“Good.” She really expects me to. Wow. “Okay, I gotta go to band practice.”

“Okay. Have fun.”

“At marching practice in the middle of summer? Sure.” She scoffs. “Love you, Mom. Bye.”

“Bye, Nova.” I hang up and settle back into my couch. He’s not going to hurt me again. I’m not going to let him. Can’t avoid him anymore, but I won’t let him hurt me.


	5. That's Why I'm Here

**Summary** : The Reunion brings some revelations.

**Story Warnings** : past cheating, little bit of angst, mentions of self-harm and suicidal thoughts, mentions of alcoholism

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have two dozen dresses. They range from spaghetti-strap sundresses to gowns for the red carpet. None of them seem...right. But jeans don’t seem right, either. So, I go through my closet over and over until I settle on an old berry purple dress with long lace sleeves. These are my friends I’m going to see, none of them are going to care if I show up in a decade-old dress. Most of them won’t even know it’s that old.

How old does a thing have to be before you can call it ‘vintage’?

I take an Uber to the River Place Country Club where Jared is holding the party. There’s a doorman with a list outside of the Hill Country Ballroom and a _lot_ of security. “Y/n Y/l/n. Are you checking IDs, too?” I ask with a smile.

“I recognize you, ma’am. You were my favorite part of American Dream. Have fun.”

“Thank you.” I head for the bar set up to the right of the entrance and order a tequila sunrise. There are a lot of people here. A lot of the crew showed up. I see directors, grips, the editing crew, Jennifer from Hair. Of course...all kinds of actors. Mitch, the Marks, Emily, Chad…

I let out a happy scoff when I see Misha standing beside Jared and Jensen. They look fucking _right_ together. J2M, just like they should be. They’re laughing, been a while since I saw Misha laugh like that.

Should I go interrupt or should I mingle with others while they do their reunion? They’re more important, obviously.

“Os!” I exclaim, walking away from the bar with my drink.

Osric smiles and welcomes me. Seems everyone’s surprised to see me. Everyone gets these happy, big eyes and wide smiles when they see me. I get crushed by hugs every other person I greet. I don’t mind it.

“Were you planning to come say ‘hi’?” Jared asks, walking up as I’m talking to Ruth and David about their voiceover work.

I’m on my third drink so I’m a bit off-balance as I twist too fast to greet him. I giggle as he catches me with a laugh of his own. “Jared! You were busy when I got here so I was mingling. I don’t think anybody expected I was gonna show up!”

Jared smiles down at me. “I knew you’d be here. You wouldn’t lie to me.”

“‘Cept for July Fourth, but that was-”

“Your RSVP was tentative depending on Jensen, I knew that. Come sit down, drunky monkey.” He leads me to a large square table and we sit down together. “It’s been for-fuckin’-ever, Y/n. You’ve been working fucking nonstop since 2020. When do you breathe?”

“Breathe when I sleep...two hours a night,” I joke before clearing my throat. “No, I just...can’t stand to slow down. Gotta keep occupied, Jare. It’s the quiet moments that get me.”

“McCaulief isn’t helping you?”

“Of course she is. I’d’ve killed myself five years ago if it weren’t for her.” Oh, that’s not a thing to say out loud at a party. “I mean...she helps me cope, but...there’s a lot to cope with so...I keep busy.”

Jared clears his throat and leans closer to me. “I wanted to come visit you. Before you ever checked into the fuckin’ hospital up there. Jensen said he’d fix it. He fuckin’ promised he’d make it better.”

“He couldn’t. Not at that point.” Tears pop up along my lashes and I’m so fucking glad for waterproof makeup. “It wasn’t fixable by then.”

“Yeah. I don’t think he realized until after the grand gesture failed.” Jared sighs. “I knew. I fuckin’ knew as soon as he kissed her. He told me you were having issues and I knew...that was gonna be the straw.”

I smile softly and take a drink of sunrise-colored liquid through my straw. “It’s okay. I was pretty fucked in the head back then. A wrong coffee order probably would’ve been the straw back then. I’m a lot more stable now.” I make my smile bright. “See? I’m here! I’m happy! No straws…’cept this straw.” I take another sip of my drink.

“Well, I’m glad you’re here. It wouldn’t be the same without you.”

“That’s what Jensen said; won’t be the same without me and Misha. Me and Misha...Misha shoulda done what you did. He broke the whole Bros and Hoes rule. He missed out on so many years of friendship because of me and he really backed the wrong horse here because-”

“Hey, don’t say that. Look, I guess Misha didn’t tell you that we had a whole talk about this?” Jared interrupts me and I just blink at him for a minute before he tucks his hair behind his ears and scoots closer to me. “After Ackles told Misha everything, Misha called me. We both wanted to support you, but...fuckin’ Ackles needed support too. He fucked up but that wasn’t a reason to abandon him. Not after so many years. He fucked up but he’s still our friend.”

“Yeah.” If it weren’t me he’d hurt, I don’t think I’d be able to abandon him either.

“So...Misha and I agreed that I’d support Jensen, he’d support you...even though we both knew Jensen was the problem...and we’d keep each other up to date about what was going on with you both.” I scoff and shake my head. Scheming bastards. Well, at least I didn’t ruin Mishalecki. “Which is how I know you haven’t really even looked at a guy since 2020.”

Not true...and I was looking at Jensen last month. “Evans at the hospital said I shouldn’t have anyone. I’m better alone, anyway.”

“‘Avoid jumping into another relationship’ isn’t the same as ‘be alone forever’, Y/n.”

“The only relationship I want is the only one I can’t have. Well, no...there’s plenty I can’t have but only one of those-” I cut off my babbling and lick at the corner of my mouth. “I’d rather be alone than leave myself open to being devastated again. I’ve been broken so many times...It’s just not worth it, Jare.”

He sighs heavily and runs his fingers through his hair. “If you _want_ to be alone, fine, but...it sucks. You’re a fucking amazing woman and you deserve-”

“Life’s never been about what I deserve or I never would’ve met any of y’all.”

Jared turns as someone across the room shouts for him and he sighs. “I’m gonna be right back. Don’t go anywhere.”

I watch as he disappears into the crowd before I return my attention to my drink. ‘If you want to be alone’ he says...I don’t want to be alone. Who wants to be alone? I want to be with Jensen. I just don’t want to be hurt again. I don’t think I could handle it.

A bottle of water invades my vision as someone sets it on the opposite side of my half-empty cocktail. I look up as Jensen sits in the chair Jared left empty. “Bartender said that’s number three. You should drink some water.”

“You…” I pick up the bottle and twist the top off. “You checkin’ up on me? Countin’ my drinks?” He looks away and opens his own bottle. “How many _you_ had?”

“Zero,” he answers. “Ginger ale and water, that’s all I’ve had.”

“What? But...what?”

“I don’t drink anymore.” He doesn’t drink? What? Since fuckin’ when? He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a half-dollars sized bronze coin with a blue face. A sobriety chip? “One year sober in March. It took me a few years to get this so...don’t really feel like startin’ over again.”

I reach out and take the chip. It says ‘TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE’ around the outside, and ‘SERVICE’, ‘UNITY’, ‘RECOVERY’. The back has the prayer they always say. My character on American Dream was always quoting this.

“You know it’s not anonymous if you tell people, right?” I say, handing the token back. “Never thought you’d give it up.”

“Me either, but…” He tucks the coin back into his pocket and takes a drink of his water. “When it went from a passion for beer and good whiskey to the first thing I thought about when I opened my eyes in the morning, when I found myself sneaking booze into auditions and bombing them, when I could barely get off the couch to make myself go to the bathroom...figured the booze had tipped over into ‘Poison’ territory and it was time to stop.

“But you own a brewery, how-”

“Yeah, and I miss the place, but...it’s better for that to be Dee and Gino's place now. I sign whatever papers they want signed but they do everything else.”

“Wow.” I feel guilty about _my_ drinking now...but I only ever have temporary binges in times of breakdown and times of stress. “You got your sponsor on red alert, knowing you’d be here?”

“Yeah. He knows I’m here. He knows there’s alcohol. He knows there’s you. He’s ready for a crisis, but hoping there won’t be one.”

Wait. What? “What do you mean, he knows there’s me?”

He licks his lips and looks away from me. “Doesn’t matter, Y/n.”

Yes, it does! Why would me being- “Do you blame me for your alcoholism?” I snap, standing.

“No, no, you don’t--My sickness is on _me_ , not you, but you are...you’re the last one I have to make amends to and I haven’t been able to and-” He stands and looks down at me. “What I have to make amends for...what I ruined...what I broke...broke me, too.”

I...he...what? I didn’t think he...he’d drink like he did when I left him for Tom. I sit back down and drop my face into my hands. “I’m so sorry. I never thought about how this might affect you.”

He sits down and puts a hand on my knee. “You have nothing to be sorry for, Y/n. _I’m_ the one that fucked everything up. I’m the one who took the best thing in my life and ruined it because I was greedy.” I move my hands and look down at his. He moves it far quicker than I want him to. “I hit the bottom of the bottle as soon as I realized there was no goin’ back. You couldn’t forgive me. _I_ couldn’t forgive me. The only way I could make it through a day was with the help of my Scotch.” He licks his lips and hums as he looks around aimlessly. “Ya know, I’ve been stuck at the ninth step for...a couple years. ‘Cause I just…”

“You did the moral inventory?” I remember that’s one of the steps.

“Yep. Long time ago. And then I told my sponsor and God all the shitty, selfish things I did to you...and everyone else, but…” He bites his bottom lip and looks back at me. “But the things I did to you were the worst. They hurt me worst because they were the absolute worst things I’ve done to harm someone else and it was someone I love.”

‘Someone I love’.

“You deserved so much better from me. You deserved the world and I’m so proud that you kept goin’ for it after I...broke us. I know you almost gave up. I know you...almost…”

“I bashed my forehead into a wall so many times I gave myself a concussion once,” I admit, reaching out to pick up my sunrise. I suck a mouthful through my straw and roll it around my mouth for a second while I stir the drink with a straw. “So, I hurt myself. You hurt yourself. It bal-”

“But _you_ never hurt me, Y/n. You were always this wonderful, selfless woman and I was a leech. I took everything you wanted to give and I put nothing back.”

“That’s not true, Jay. You gave back. I just...I always give more...and that’s a ‘Me’ problem. That’s...friendships, relationships, I over-care to the point of my own detriment. It’s fine, though. I’m fine.”

“Yeah, I know.” He smiles softly and turns those pretty green eyes on me and I gasp as he picks up his water and takes a drink. “You’re here and you’re wearing _that_ dress and you’re drinking _that_ drink and you’re...you’re like a glimpse into the past, who you were before Tom and I fucked you up.”

I look down at the dress for a minute before I set my cup on the table. “Tom was a bit of a human monster. You were just a man who didn’t consider the consequences of his actions. Definitely didn’t expect half a decade of consequences. You’re just a man. You’re not even a black hole, you’re just a perfectly _imperfect_ man,” I whisper. He looks confused about the black hole comment as I search his face for something. All I see is the man I fell in love with.

I lean forward and grab his head, pulling him to meet my lips in a kiss.


	6. Never Again Again

**Summary:** Misha helps Y/n get home after she's had a few too many.

**Story Warnings:** past cheating, little bit of angst, regrets, self-deprecation

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

His lips feel just how I remember. His big hand grasps at my neck as he pulls me closer for a moment...but then his hand moves to my shoulder and gently pushes me away. He averts his eyes and holy shit, what did I do? 

"You have been drinking and you didn't mean to do that. Your sober brain wouldn't have wanted that so...we're gonna…" He licks his lips and stands. "I'ma go get Misha. See if he might take you home."

Oh, God. Oh, my God. What do I-what did I-oh, my God! I can't believe I did something so fucking _stupid_! This is why I avoided him so fucking long. What the hell? I can't even control myself around him. I can’t...I am the epitome of stupid. I can’t. 

"Hey. You okay?" Misha asks, suddenly kneeling beside my chair.

"You don't have to take me home. I can Uber," I whisper, not looking at him.

"I've seen everyone I came to see, Y/n. Let me take you home. Come on, stand up." He wraps a hand around my bicep and helps me up. I’m not that drunk. I don’t need help walking...even in these shoes.

“I’m good, Meesh,” I say, slapping his hand away. “I can walk.”

He’s silent as he walks me out to his rental Hyundai. I sit in the passenger seat and click the seatbelt in place and look out the window as Misha starts the car and drives away from the country club. I’m a fucking idiot. I’ve never...I’m so disappointed in myself.

“What happened?” Misha asks after we’re a mile or so away.

“He didn’t tell you?” I ask, my voice barely there.

“No.”

“I kissed him...like the idiot I am.” I shake my head and bite my thumbnail. “He’s blaming the alcohol, and I’m gonna let him, but I’m not that drunk. I’m just that stupid and still hung up on that idiot and _this_ is why I didn’t talk to him for five years. This is why I kept my distance, because I _know_ I’m stupid when it comes to Jensen and I can’t be like this!” I settle my head in my hands and ignore the tears rolling down my face. “I can’t still love him. There has never been a worse idea.”

“Look, Jensen has changed a lot over the last few years. He’s a better man, Y/n.”

“Yeah, but people don’t really change, Misha. Just look at _me_.” I look up and smile tightly at him. “I’m the same exact mess I was before. I’m...even wearing the same dress. Same mess in the same dress and I’m...so dumb.”

“You aren’t dumb, Y/n, and you aren’t the same and even if you’re wearing the same dress you wore the first time I met you, that doesn’t mean you haven’t grown. You’re an amazing-”

“Yeah, I’m amazing and I deserve so much and I’m also an idiot who should have seen this shit coming.” I scoff at myself. “Oh, wait, I did! That’s why I avoided him like a coward for five fucking years!”

Misha sighs heavily and gives me this high-eyebrow look that just screams ‘I’m sick of your shit’ and I clam up. Can you dom your friends, ‘cause I’m pretty sure that’s what that look is for? “You have to stop getting down on yourself like this. So, just shut up and listen to me for a minute, Y/n. You are not stupid for loving him. You can’t change how you feel. You spent five years trying. He spent five years trying to get over _you_. I know every issue he’s had on that and it’s been a lot. He’s still in love with you and you’re still in love with him and that makes this harder, okay? Not impossible, but difficult and you can handle that. You have to. You have to deal with it so it can stop festering and the only way to deal with it is to be present, not to hide. Understand?”

“Yes,” I whisper. “I understand.”

“Good. Now get out of the pity party and deal with what happened. Text Jensen and apologize. Don’t blame the liquor. Just apologize.” 

“I...I don’t have his number,” I say, quietly.

Misha sighs and hands me his phone. “Passcode is ‘Vicki8601’. Get his number out of my contacts and text him.”

I do what he says, opening the phone to see a pic of West and Maison as the background before opening up the contacts. I scroll down to Jensen and open up the profile, picking up my phone to input the number. Part of me doesn’t want the number, but...I should have it. “I don’t know what to say.”

“I’m sure you’ll think of something.”

I take a deep breath.

**> >I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.**

It only takes a minute for me to get a response. **< <It’s okay. Trust me, I’m NOT mad about it.** I’m trying to think of something to respond when another message pops up. **< <Just wish you were sober when you did it.**

If I was sober, I wouldn’t have done it...because I’m too much of a coward to do it sober. But, oh, to be the woman who can kiss him sober again, that’d be nice. **> >Me, too.**

**< <Text me when you’re home safe, Y/n. Please.**

**> >I will.**

“How’d that go?” Misha asks as I set my phone in my lap.

“It...went. I don’t know. He’s being...I hate this.” I bite down hard on my bottom lip and look over at Misha. “I just...I love him and I hate this and I want to curl into a ball and die.”

“No, you don’t. Shut up.”

Silence takes the car as we drive toward my house. “He’s still in love with me?” I ask after a while.

Misha sighs and nods. “Yeah. He never got over you, Y/n. He’s tried to date, he’s tried to move on, but he hasn’t been able to. Jared set him up with his friend, Lindsey, from Walker and Jensen didn’t even make it halfway through the date before he was calling it off. He said she was ‘too young’...but she’s only a year or two younger than you.”

“Maybe I’m too young, too,” I say, shaking my head. “I was...I am...an idiot. Meesh, I...I don’t know what to do. Everything in me is telling me to be...to be with him except my brain. My brain is telling me to run as far as possible as _fast_ as possible and I have no idea what I should listen to.”

“Right now, you should listen to _me_.” He reaches out and grabs my hand, keeping his left hand on the wheel. “You don’t make any decisions now. You take some time and you talk to him. He’s always been an amazing person and now that he’s taken the time and effort to self-reflect, he’s better. He’s a better man just like you’re a better woman. And you’re not too young, Y/n. But you’re young enough to try again...if that’s what you want to do. Consider everything, not just your pain.”

“Okay. Thank you, Misha.”

“I’m always here for you, Y/n.”

“I know. Even when I’m confused about everything else, I’m not confused about who’s got my back.” I chuckle and squeeze his hand. “Even though you’ve been scheming with the moose behind my back for years.”

"Oh, Jared told you, huh? Well, we just both care about both of you and neither one of us could see cutting you, either of you, out of our lives. So...we collaborated. I was Misha with Moose advising me and he was Moose with Misha advising. You didn't notice...and it took Jensen a few years."

"And what then? What happened when Jensen noticed?"

"Well, we started texting all the time again. We couldn't be seen hanging out but we could video chat and message again."

"I wouldn't have been upset that you were talking to him, you know? I hated the fact that I ruined your friendship."

"You didn’t ruin anything, Y/n."

"It's always felt like I did."

"When you left him, you were doing what you needed to do for your own health and safety. You weren’t ruining anything, you were preserving the most important thing: you.”

Cheesy motherfucker, makin’ me feel like someone who deserves love and Light and good things. Dammit, Misha. “Thank you. For taking me home and...always being there for me. You’re an amazing man.”

“Yes, I am," he says, smiling.

He takes me home and I hug him before I go inside. I go in and sit down on the couch. I take a few deep breaths before I pull out my phone and open the text conversation with Jensen.

**> >Home safe.**

It takes a minute, but I quickly receive **< <I'm glad. Drink some water. Remember hangovers suck.**

I smile and nod. **> >I haven't forgotten that piece of wisdom. I'll drink some water.**

My phone dings as I'm getting myself a glass of water and I open the text as soon as I sit back down. **< <I know you're probably beating yourself up for what happened but I think you should go easy on yourself. You didn’t do anything wrong and you shouldn't feel guilty about a moment of weakness. Alcohol encourages poor decision-making.**

I swallow down a mouthful of water and bite my lip. No, it wasn't just the alcohol causing my weakness...and alcohol isn't an excuse. As much as I'd like to use it as one, I can't. **> >If I didn't take 'drunk' as an excuse for what you did, I'm not allowed to use it myself. Drunk equals poor inhibitions but it doesn't make us do things we don't wanna do. I did what I did, the tequila didn't do it.**

I drink more water, look at the clock. It's 11:30, maybe I could call Nova and get her before she falls asleep. But if she's already out, I don't wanna wake her up just to tell her that she was right and her mother is a lovesick dumbass. I'll call in the morning.

**< <Well that hasn't changed, I see. Always willing to be especially harsh on yourself for no reason**

I scoff and it turns into a chuckle **> >Fate doesn't go easy on me so why should I go easy on myself?**

**< <BECAUSE fate hasn't been kind, you should be kinder to yourself.**

That doesn't even...okay, yeah, that makes a bit of sense. Dammit.

**> >Don’t make sense. It makes it hard for me to ignore what you're saying **

**< <I'll try to be less convincing in the future 😉**

He fucking winked at me? Emoji wink but still. He can't do that! Because I have a picture-perfect image of him in my head, that fucking wink.

**> >I’m going to head to bed. Thank you for the advice.**

I start to head to bed but the phone goes off again. **< <Can I text you in the morning?**

I stare at those words for a few moments before I lick my lips. This might be a bad idea but... **> >I'd like that. **


	7. Better Man

**Summary** : Things start turning around for Y/n.

**Story Warnings** : past cheating, little bit of angst, regrets, teen sass

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wake in the morning to a ' **Good Morning** ' text from Jensen, a ' **Hope you're feeling okay, Ackles gave me your number to check on you, text me whenever** ' text from Jared and a ' **Mum, please call me when you wake up** ' text from Nova.

Normally, her idiosyncratic way of saying 'mum' instead of 'mom' would make me smile, has done since she first started speaking, but I have a bad feeling. I dial out to her before I've even sat up.

"Hey, Mum," she answers.

"What's wrong, baby?"

"Uh, not-not anything with _me_ , really, but-" she starts but she seems to get distracted by whatever's going on in the background. I can hear shouting. "Um...I just...can I come stay with you? Dad and Jenny are fighting."

"I...I wish it was that easy but your dad has custody, Nova, I can't just buy you a ticket and-"

"Look, he's not going to have time to be upset with you! He's too busy being upset with Jenny for going through his phone to find out he was cheating on her!"

Of course he was. Probably not the first time, either. I sigh. "Um. Let me talk to your dad, hopefully convince him to let you come stay with me for a semester or so and then-"

"You should sue for custody," she says suddenly. "I want to live with you, Mum. Dad has had me for years, it's your right to have time with me and you're stable and you can't have screaming fights with your spouse when you don't have one and you aren’t a toxic, misogynistic jerk who can't keep it in your pants. The environment I'm in isn't conducive to good habits or a good life and I miss my mom, okay? Please."

Oh, Nova. I miss you too. "I...I mean...you're old enough. Maybe we can revisit custody. I'm gonna call your dad."

"Okay. Thanks, Mum. Bye."

I take a few minutes to sit up, wake up fully, drink some water, and mentally prep before I dial Nate's number. "Yeah?" he answers. Never could manage a proper greeting, like he was raised by fucking wolves.

"Good morning, Nate. You busy?"

"Yeah, actually, I'm-"

"Ruining another marriage with infidelity, I heard. Actually, that's why I'm calling. Nova wants to come stay with me and you're gonna let her."

"I am?" he asks, and I can hear the rage under his tone. "Why the fuck-"

"Because Jenny seems like the petty type and she's gonna go digging and she's gonna make a parade of all your mistresses and one night stands. She's gonna make your life hell over this and you're not gonna subject Nova to that. You're gonna send her to me and she's gonna avoid all the messiness of your second divorce...and we're gonna revisit custody, which was Nova's idea, not mine so obviously it's something she wants. Objections?"

"But she's my-"

"Objections that aren't completely selfish and totally ignore what _Nova_ wants?" I interrupt. There's silence on the other end for a minute. "That’s what I thought. I'm gonna buy Nova a plane ticket. She's probably already packing. Good luck on the divorce, Nate."

I hang up and send Nova a text that I'm gonna buy her a ticket and get her registered for school out here before going back to my other texts. I send ' **Good morning, Jarpad. Thanks for checking up** ' to Jared and, after a long moment, I send a text to Jensen that says ' **Good morning, Jensen. Hope you have a good day.** '

I go about my morning routine, coffee, buttered toast, quick shower, hair and makeup, then I sit down to the laptop and pull up airline sites. I get Nova booked on a flight to Austin in two days and then I pull up the local high schools to see which one my house is zoned for. I didn't want her going to the school I went to, anyway. That place was Hell even before I met Nate.

My phone goes off with a text and I pick it up. Jensen.

**< <How's your head?**

**> >It's good. I drank water...and I only had three drinks so...I wasn’t THAT drunk. **I respond before adding **> >Just drunk enough to do something stupid.**

**< <I will say...for a sloppy drunken mistake it was a damn good kiss.**

I stare at that one for a minute. It was. It was a good kiss. It was a really good kiss. But I can’t think about it that way! It was a mistake. Let’s talk about something else.

**> >So Nova is coming to stay with me. Things blew up at Nate’s house. I’m getting my girl back!**

**< <That’s fucking awesome! I’m so happy for you...and for Nova. She should never have been with that asshole.**

I agree with you there, Ackles. ** >>Yeah. She’s better off here...and I’m gonna sue for custody. I’m mostly not crazy anymore, so I might get it this time...especially if Nova tells the judge she wants to live with me because her dad is a ‘toxic misogynistic philanderer’.**

There’s a long moment between me hitting ‘send’ and me getting a response. **< <You gonna come for Mav too? Since that kind of describes me too?**

I sigh and rub my temples. “Of course not.” **> >No, Jensen. I promised I wouldn’t take Mav from you. Besides, you were never a misogynist.** Toxic for me, yes. A cheater, yes. But never a sexist piece of shit.

**< <He’s your son though. I’d understand if you wanted more time with him.**

Of course I want more time with him. **> >I won’t take him from you. He’s happy with you and he gets to see his brothers and sisters there. Now he’ll get to see No on my weekends. It’s fine.** I take a deep breath and sigh it out. **> >Can we talk about something less heavy?** I mean, I wanna talk to him, but I don’t wanna talk about this.

**< <Ok sure.**

**< <How’s Midsummer coming? You start shooting soon right?**

That’s better.

**> >Two weeks. Thankfully, we’re shooting in Austin, so I don’t have to worry about leaving Nova behind. I’ll be home every day...and maybe she’ll finally get to see what I do for a living.**

**< <She’s still never been to set?**

**> >No. Every time I’ve had her I made sure to have the time off. Our time is special.**

**< <You’re a good mom.**

**> >Yeah. I try.**

Sometimes I feel like I’ve fucked my kids up by not being with their fathers, but I still try my hardest to make their lives good.

**< <Maybe when Nova gets in, we can do lunch or something. Mav would love to see her.**

Mav hasn’t seen Nova in almost two years. That was the last time their time with me coincided. But I _could_ just wait until my next weekend with Mav. He’d get to see her then. But...it does make for a good excuse to see Jensen again. Without alcohol.

**> >Yeah. That sounds okay.**

**< <Great. When does she get in?**

**> >Tuesday. Early morning.**

**< <Lunch? Somewhere nice? I can’t imagine Nate’s been taking Nova to nice places.**

**> >Sure. Make the reservations and give me a time on Tuesday and we'll meet you there.**

**< <I'll let you know.**

Could this blow up in my face? Yes. Yes, it could. Fingers crossed that it doesn’t.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nova pretty much runs down the escalator with her backpack and a carry-on suitcase. Oh, she got tall. “Mum!” she cries, rushing up to me and wrapping her arms around my shoulders.

“My gosh! You got so big!”

“Yeah, I hit a growth spurt a few months ago, jumped up to five-six.” Nate’s six foot so I guess she was always gonna end up taller than me, but damn, I thought I had more time before she eclipsed me.

“Wow. Just...Wow. Did you check anything?” I ask, grabbing her carry-on bag.

“Yeah. Needed a bit of extra space for all my clothes,” she says as we walk over to the luggage carousel.

“You didn’t have to bring _all_ your clothes. I could have-”

“Well, I’m not planning to go back to Florida, so I figured I should.” I stop and look over at her. She really doesn’t want to see Nate ever again? “I boxed up all the rest of my stuff, too. Make it easier for him to send it to your house.”

“You’re not planning to go back? Like, ever?” I ask.

“No. I told you, I want to stay here.”

“Wow.” Part of me has been scared for years that Nate might have twisted her against me. But no. She’s still my girl. “Um, we are going to drop all of your stuff off at the house and then we are going to lunch. We’re gonna go to Flemings Steakhouse. You still eat steak, right? You haven’t hit your vegan phase yet, right?”

“Please, Mum. We, as a species, are made to be omnivores.” I smile. She remembers the thing about the teeth. “Our teeth are both flat and sharp to facilitate eating both meat and vegetables. I’m not going to _have_ a vegan phase.”

“Okay, well, that’s good. Hopefully you can give your little brother that piece of wisdom when you see him,” I say.

She smiles brightly. “When do I get to see Mav?”

“In a couple hours. Jensen and Mav are meeting up with us at the restaurant,” I say and her smile falters.

“You’re hanging out with him?”

I scoff. “Baby, don’t say it like that. We haven’t been ‘hanging out’. I saw him on Saturday for the reunion and we texted Sunday and I told him you were coming to stay with me and it, uh, we just thought you might like to see your brother, okay? That’s all.” Also, I kissed him but that’s a separate thing.

“Of course I do, but come on! You remember what he did, right?”

I smile tightly and nod. “I remember better than you think...even though I’ve tried to let it go. But...he’s not the horrible man I made him out to be, No. He hurt me, yeah, but that was years ago.”

“So?” she sasses.

“So, he’s worth spending a little time with,” I answer. “And you better stow the attitude.”

“Mom!” she exclaims, her anger forcing her to enunciate the title in a way that she almost never does. “He broke your heart!”

“My heart is fine!” I snap. I take a deep breath and reach out to caress her shoulder. “I’m very happy to have you here, but I need you to respect my decision to give Jensen a chance to associate with me. We’re not back together. I’m not going to let him break my heart again. Please, for your brother’s sake, be nice at lunch.”

She sighs heavily and nods. “Fine. For Maverick, not for the jerk.”

“Don’t call him that,” I say with a smile. “Not to his face anyway.”

“No promises,” she says, smiling back.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I can see Jensen’s truck in the parking lot of the steakhouse as I pull in. He’s sitting on the tailgate with Maverick as Nova and I get out of my car. The boys both smile bright as we approach and Jensen jumps down before helping Maverick off the gate.

“Damn, you got tall, Nova!” Jensen says to Nova as Maverick runs to hug me.

“That generally happens after six years,” she says. I give her a sharp look and she rolls her eyes a little. “I grew a few inches this year. I’m five-six now.”

“Gonna end up tall as an Amazon, aren’t you?”

“I like Amazons. They didn’t tolerate men,” she says. I’m not sure whether to laugh or cry. She’s definitely gonna make this difficult, isn’t she?

“Nova!” Mav tears everyone’s attention away from the tension as he wraps his arms around his sister’s legs.

We start toward the restaurant entrance, the kids trailing behind us as we walk. “She’s still mad at me, I take it,” he says.

“Were you really expecting her not to be?” I respond, quietly. “She’s old enough to find and read the tabloid articles about my breakdown.”

“Yeah.” He nods and pulls the door open for us. Nova stiffens as she follows me through the open door, her hand clasped around Maverick’s. “Well, this is gonna be fun.”

“I didn’t promise fun, did I?” I ask, smiling.

He turns to me as he lets the door close behind him. “You’re with me. What’s funner than that?”

Cheesy.

“You know who I miss?” Nova says as we sit at the table.

“Anya and Papa?” I guess. She hasn’t seen my parents since they moved up North.

“Will,” she says, smiling sweetly. “You remember Will, Mum?”

A jolt of anxiety rushes through me. She better not be talking about the Will I think she is. "Your dad's friend?" I ask pointedly.

"No, ew. He’s a creep." She contorts her face into a grimace and shakes her head. "No, Will Schaefer! He was so nice." I'm gonna kill her. She's doing this on purpose and she is so fucking grounded when we get home. "Whatever happened to him, Mum?"

"He, uh, got traded to a team in Arkansas," I answer, picking up my menu. It’s a half truth...but I'm trying to shut her down before she goes deeper into the subject.

"He was really funny, too. I mean, he had me cracking up the whole time we were at the park."

"No, you need to stop." She knows by my tone I'm serious, looks down at her own menu. Seriously. I let her meet the one guy I dated after Jensen and this is what she does to me with it? I sneak a look at Jensen and he's got his lips pressed tight together as he focuses on his own menu. He wants to ask. Goddamnit, Nova.

"So, your mom said you've become really passionate about equal rights across the board. That's really impressive," Jensen says, taking a drink of the water in front of him.

"Why's it impressive? I shouldn't care about people?" she snaps. Jesus, Nova, it's a compliment.

"It's impressive because most high school freshmen wouldn't go out on a limb for anyone, let alone strangers just because they're in marginalized groups."

"Do you know a lot of high school freshmen or are you just basing that on when you were one a bajillion years ago?"

"He's not that old," I respond quietly.

"He's way older than you which means he _is_ that old to me," she says, flippantly.

I take a deep breath and close my eyes to combat the anxiety bubbling up in me. This is fun. I'm glad we decided to do this. This was a wonderful idea.

"It's fine, Y/n. She's not wrong...and she's well within her rights to be pissed off at me," Jensen concedes, gesturing at her. "She's being protective...and that just shows how much of you is in her." She looks a little taken aback that Jensen is agreeing with her. Good, maybe now she’ll stow the attitude.

“Crab cakes or calamari?” I ask.

“Crab cakes!” Maverick almost shouts and Jensen and I both give him a look to pipe down so he covers his mouth with both hands.

“Have you ever _had_ calamari, Mav?” Nova asks and he shakes his head, not moving his hands. “It’s really yummy. It’s little squids, breaded and fried and served with a sauce!”

“We’ll get both. Mav knows he likes crab cakes, Chevy knows she likes calamari, we’ll get both.”

Her eyes go a little wide at the nickname. Shit, I forgot about the nickname. ‘Chevy Nova’ came off of my ‘Supernova’ nickname. She loved it when she was a kid...because she knew how important a certain Chevy was to him. She swallows and looks away. “Maverick, you should try the calamari, bud. If you don’t like it, that’s cool, but try it,” she says.

Oh, that reminds me...what did Jay do with the Impala?

Maverick moves his hands and nods. “I’ll try it.”

“Thank you,” Jensen and I say at the same time.

Nova calms down as we continue lunch. She tells me how excited she is to go to a bigger school than the one I went to. “I wonder if they have a GSA at East View. I hope they do. Also, I hope the band is good. I lugged that stupid trumpet here, I better not have done it for no reason.” We talk. Jensen explains about some of the uniquely Texan things she’s gonna have to get used to. She seems to warm up a bit. Thank God.

Jensen and I split the bill straight down the middle, gratuity and all, and then we head to the parking lot. Nova starts chasing Maverick around in the grass. She’s definitely happy to be with him. That’s what they’ve both been needing.

“So...Will. Is that _Willie_ Schaefer, used to pitch for the Frisco RoughRiders?” Jensen asks as he pulls his tailgate down and hops up onto it.

“Didn’t know you followed Minor League baseball,” I mutter, literally climbing up next to him and kicking my feet a little as we watch the kids. “He presented my award with a bunch of other baseball guys at the Teen Choice awards a couple years ago. We hit it off.” I lick my lips. “It wasn’t serious.”

“Serious enough he met Nova. I mean, I didn’t meet her in person until you were pregnant with Mav.”

Is that jealousy in his voice?

“She was older when I met him...I knew that meeting my boyfriend wouldn’t completely mess her up if it didn’t work out. And it didn’t...work out.”

"'Cause he got traded to a team in Arkansas?" Jensen asks, looking at me from the corner of his eyes.

No. Because he wasn't you.

"Yeah. Same league but different division."

"You broke up with him because he was gonna have to practice in Arkansas a few months out of the year? Weren't you still working a few months of the year in Toronto a couple years ago?"

“Exactly,” I say. “I didn’t want to have to chase him down when I _was_ home. It was easier to let it go.”

Will was fine. He was a good guy. He was funny and handsome. But he didn’t make me happy. The sex was mediocre...and he was _so boring_. His jokes were juvenile attempts at Dad jokes, but Nova thought they were funny ‘cause she was eleven.

“Misha didn’t mention it. You keep ‘im a secret from your friends too, or just the tabloids?” he asks quietly.

I definitely kept it from the tabloids. After the shitshow of Tom and the fallout with Jensen, I did everything I could to keep me and Will out of the gossip. But I didn’t keep it from Misha or Kim or Bri or Dr. McCaulief. “Maybe he didn’t think it was your business,” I respond softly.

“It’s not. Totally not my business at all.” He bites his bottom lip and looks over at me. “But I’m not gonna say I’m unhappy it didn’t work out.”

My breath catches and I look over at him. “You don’t want me happy?”

“Of course I want you to be happy, Y/n.” He shrugs a little. “I’d just rather you be happy with _me_.” My jaw drops a little. I really don’t know what to say. “At the same time, I know I don’t deserve to be the one...the one you end up with.”

I blink at him a few times, thinking maybe I’m just imagining all the pain in his eyes...but I’m not. He really is that hurt over this, the loss of me. No fucking way. I have to look away. “How’s Danneel been?” I ask. I don’t know if I’m trying to hurt him or if I’m trying to make him remember what he was trying to gain when he hurt me or...maybe I’m legitimately interested in how much interaction he has with her. I know they aren’t together, but...maybe they’re still...I’m not sure. Maybe they’re _something_ still.

“She’s good.” He nods. “She, uh...we talk when we do the kid-trade, but...we’re friendly, but we’re not friends.”

“Oh.” That’s not what I thought he was going to say. Shit.

“Look, I get it, Y/n. I hurt you and I hate myself for it. I don’t deserve a second chance. I don’t deserve your forgiveness or...your damn attention at all, but...doesn’t change how much I want it.”

God, don’t do this to me, Ackles.

“Mum!” Nova yells and I look over at her and Mav. Maverick is on her shoulders.

“Mommy! I’m tall like Daddy!” Mav yells. Jensen jumps off the tailgate and runs over to them, reaching out to grab Mav’s cheek.

“You’re definitely tall!”

Jesus. What the hell am I supposed to do here?


	8. Bad Idea

**Summary** : Sometimes bad ideas work out for the best, sometimes they don't...but Y/n will never know until she makes that choice.

**Story Warnings** : past cheating, little bit of angst, teen sass

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Did you have to do that? He didn’t need to know about Will,” I say through clenched teeth as I start the car.

“What? He needed to know!” Nova exclaims as she clicks her seatbelt in.

“Why? Why did he need to know?” I ask, glaring at her.

“ _Because_ now he knows you haven’t been sitting around waiting for him this whole time. Now, he knows that you know you have other options and he’s gonna have to work to get back what he threw away.”

Damn it, Nova.

"Who says anyone is trying to work to get anything back? We're just-"

"Oh, my God, Mum, I'm not _blind_!" she exclaims, and I feel bad for every single time I used that whiny tone on my own parents...this is payback for my past sins. "You were both looking at each other the exact same way and if you didn’t see it, _you're_ blind."

"Baby, you don’t know what-"

"It's super complicated, sure, and there's a lot of junk to work through, but you totally want to work through it and don't lie to yourself about it."

"If this were just about what I _wanted_ then I never would have left him," I snap. "What we want and what we need are sometimes very different things. Besides which, there are people who would be very disappointed in me if I tried to fix things with Jensen."

"Oh, so what? Let Anya and Papa be disappointed. They'll get over-"

"I'm not talking about them." I look over at her and sigh. "You have told me a hundred times that you hate him, Nova. I can't go back to someone you hate."

"He hurt you! I hate that he hurt you! But I don’t hate _him_. Besides, he seems okay now...less like a jerk." She bites her thumbnail and sighs, twisting a little in her seat. "Now, if you tried to go back to my dad, then I'd be disappointed. If you went back to the other one, I'd have to commit a murder."

"What, mine?" I ask, chuckling. She doesn't speak his name. She hasn’t in a while.

"Maybe." She sighs and turns to me more fully. "You haven't heard from him, have you?"

"Not directly," I answer, a chill running through me. "But I get jewelry on my birthday every year, no return address, just a card saying 'Happy Birthday'."

"Ick."

"Yeah, 'ick' but...I always donate the items to charity auctions. Someone is getting happy from them."

"Random Acts?" she asks.

"Uh-huh, and GLAAD." She smiles as I reach over and pat her knee. "I support what my girl supports."

"So...you're going to go back to him, aren’t you?"

I bite my bottom lip and shrug. "I don't know. It seems like such a bad idea, doesn't it?"

"That’s what they said about the mountain mirrors in Rjukan, Norway...but it worked."

"What?" I laugh, looking over at her.

"They weren't getting sun in the town because they were in a deep valley. It's, like, more than half the year without sun, so they put mirrors on the mountain that reflect the sun down into the town square so that they didn’t have to deal with the worst version of Seasonal Affective Disorder in the world." She scoffs and shakes her head. "Point is...might be stupid, might fail horribly, but it might work. It's up to you if you wanna risk it or not."

"So, wait...are you _advocating_ for me to go back to him?" I ask.

"No. I'm not advocating for him. I'm just...I'm just saying that bad ideas can work out sometimes." She shrugs. "And if you run with the bad idea, I won't think badly of you for it. That's all."

I chuckle as I drive. "He won you over."

"He did not!" she shouts indignantly.

"He did! That Ackles charm got to you!"

"I don't care how charming he is! He's just...not the worst you could do, that's all. Shut up!"

I just laugh at her. He managed to win her over in a single meal. I should be surprised but I'm honestly not. I mean, obviously, my girl is resistant but she has had her butt charmed off and she doesn't even recognize it yet. But I do.

I recognize it because I remember when I first met him, before any of the sex and romance, when he was just Jensen and I was just Y/n and we were just starting to be friends and everything was easy. I miss when everything was so easy.

When we get home, Nova goes to her room to start unpacking and I go to my room to call up Kim. Kim immediately calls in Bri. "She had lunch with Jensen again and now she's calling us. I feel like more Titanic shit happened," Kim explains.

"Oh! Spill!" Bri demands.

"Um...it was...it was a battle. Nova was trying so hard to butt heads with Jensen that she didn't even realize he was Ackles-ing her."

"Oh! He turned on the fuckin' charm?! That's not fair!" Bri shouts.

"I agree. But she hit back a few times, um...she told him about Will."

"Oh, shit," Kim says softly as Bri just says, "Fuck."

"Yeah," I agree with their expletives.

"Well, what'd he say?" Kim asks.

"Uh, he got jealous...and said he was glad that Will and I didn't last...because even though he doesn't deserve another chance, he really wants one."

"Well, no duh he wants another chance. Anyone would!" Briana encourages.

"What'd you say to that?" Kim asks.

"Nothing," I answer. "I mean...what _can_ I say to that?"

"Uh, you could say 'I know you don't deserve another chance because you broke me and I can't trust you' or you could say 'I still love you and I've missed you for years and I wanna jump on that D'," Bri says and I roll my eyes.

"Or how about 'I never stopped loving you but you hurt me and this is really fucking hard so anything we start is going to have to progress a lot slower than our relationship did the first time'," Kim continues.

"I'm just…" I rub my fingertips across my eyelids. "He doesn't deserve another chance. He doesn't deserve me. He...right? I should just…"

"But you want to give him one. You're trying to talk yourself out of it, girl, but you want him," Briana practically accuses me. "And you’re allowed to want him, allowed to give him another chance if you want to."

"I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Because I miss him so much but I'm so scared," I admit in a whisper.

"You spent five years avoiding him, hoping the feelings would go away, but they haven't. You're still in love. So, put down some boundaries and go with what you're feeling," Kim says.

"Face the fear, Y/n!"

"Boundaries. That's...a good idea." I sigh. "Yeah. You guys won't think less of me if I-"

"Girl, shut the fuck up," Bri says.

"We just want you to be happy. So, stop stressing about it and be safe."

"And if he breaks your heart again, we'll fuck him up."

I smile. They are the best. "Boundaries. Is 'stop being so charming' a boundary?"

"Oh, yeah, it is!"

"And follow that boundary up with 'friends first, lovers maybe'." Kim is so freaking smart.

They spend twenty minutes giving me pointers on boundaries to set with Jensen, then they wish me luck.

I call him as soon as I get off with them.

"Hey," he answers, and I can _hear_ the smile on his face.

"Hey. Um, so, I was thinking...um…" I let out a slow, controlled exhale. "You don't deserve another chance," I say bluntly.

"Okay...guess I shoulda seen tha-"

"But that doesn't mean I can't give you one," I interrupt, sufficiently shocking him into silence. I take a deep breath and continue. "Look, Jensen, I love you. I've tried not to. I spent five freakin' years focusing on the pain you put me through to try to force the love away but it never worked. I will always love you and I...I know we've both grown and I am willing to try to focus on that instead and I'm willing to try to build on that growth with you, but...we have to move slow. We can’t dive into this headfirst like we did last time because we're in the shallow end of the damn pool and we can't risk slamming our heads into the bottom this time."

I give him a moment for what I just said to settle before I continue. "I miss when we were friends, Jay. Can we start there?"

"Y-yeah. I want you in my life, Y/n. Any part of my life. You wanna be friends? I'll be lucky to call you that."

"You can turn down the charm and just be my friend?" I'm not sure he can do that.

"I _will_. No more flirting. I can do that. I mean, no more flirting than I do with Jared and Misha...so moderate flirting."

I chuckle and run my hand down my face. "Okay. Friends then."

"Friends," he agrees before adding, "Thank you. Thank you for this. I _don't_ deserve it and I know this call was hard for you to make, so thank you so much."

"Well, don't make me regret it, okay?"

"No guarantees...I'm a flawed human being. I'ma do my damnedest, though."

He definitely got the self-inventory thing down. "I guess that's all I can ask."

"Thank you."

"Yeah, uh, I gotta go see how Nova's doing setting up her room. I'll talk to you later, Ackles."

"Yeah. Text me."

"Okay. Bye."

I stare down at my phone for a minute before I pull up the texts and go to Jared. **> >Jensen and I are gonna try to be friends. I think that means I can have you back too. Welcome back to my shitshow.** 😘

It takes a few minutes before I get an answer of **< <We have so much catching up to do!**

And I can't fucking wait, Jarpad.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	9. Every Little Thing

**Summary** : Y/n and Nova settle into life, and get okay with the fact that Jensen is going to be a part of that.

**Story Warnings** : past cheating, little bit of angst, little bit of pining, teen sass, mentions of porn

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Look what I found!" Nova says, walking into the kitchen as I make scrambled eggs for breakfast. I look over to see a dusty old acoustic guitar.

"Why were you in the attic?" I ask.

"I was exploring," she says, nonchalantly. "The strings are still good. Out of tune, of course, but I've got a tuning app so I fixed that. Listen!" She plops down in the closest chair and starts strumming. I smile at the Eagles song that flows across the room. She stumbles on the second bar. "Oh, shoot."

"You know you've got the music tastes of an old lady, right?" I tease as I flick the flame off and scoop eggs onto a plate with half a bagel and a strawberry Yoplait.

"Well, you can't blast Lizzo on an acoustic, Mum." She rolls her eyes and tries again. " _Every night, I'm lyin' in bed, Holding you close in my dreams, Thinkin' about all the things that we said, And comin' apart at the seams. We tried to talk it over, But the words come out too rough. I know you were tryin' to give me the best of your love._ " She stops playing and sets the guitar aside as I bring the plate to the table. "You know, if the jerk were gonna sing a song to you, that might be a good one."

"Jensen wrote a song to apologize...way back when we broke up. And he wrote another two about losing the best thing he ever had that I’m pretty sure were about me." I sigh as No picks up her fork and I turn back to make my own plate. "And he did a cover of Parker McCollum's 'Pretty Heart' for Jason's 'Three-covering With Friends' album. He's sung his feelings a number of times, Nova. Hitting me with one of my favorite bands isn't going to change anything. The grand, sweet gestures, Jay was always great at those, but-"

"He was also really good at the grand, public mess-ups," she interrupts and she's so freaking right.

"Yeah, exactly." I sit beside her and pick up my own fork. "It was never the big things that made the big impact with me, though. It was...it was him remembering how I take my coffee and bringing me one from Craft at 2 when I started to drift. It was him finding the second book in a series and leaving it on the nightstand for me because he noticed the bookmark was near the back of the first book in the series. It was him texting me every morning when he woke up and we were apart so that I knew he was thinking of me. All these two-second things that weren't meant to fix anything or get him any praise or big reaction. Just things because he cared...those were the ones that hit me hardest."

"Well, don't tell _him_ that. You might end up with a bunch of new books," she says and I chuckle. "Actually, I need some new reading material. I left all my books at Dad's. You think I could con Jerksen into buying me some books?"

"We'll get you a library card," I respond with a laugh. She just smiles as we dig into our breakfasts.

"I'm really happy to be here," she says suddenly, as I dip my spoon into my yogurt. She avoids looking at me as I set my spoon to the side of my plate and focus on her. She scratches at her hairline and bites her bottom lip for a minute. "I love Dad but he’s a bigger jerk than Jensen and he's...he made me miss you. He didn't even like having me around, he just didn't want you to be able to have me around."

"Baby, of course your dad liked having-" I start to defend him...for _her_ , not him. No kid wants to feel like that.

Her eyes snap up and she sighs heavily. "He used me, Mum. He used me to hurt you...because it was fun for him. If he would go see a psychologist like you do, maybe he'd be able to work on that but he doesn't want to fix his antisocial tendencies. He likes being a sociopath."

"Most sociopaths do," I mutter, getting a flash of Tom in my head. "But your dad isn't a sociopath, Nova, he's just-"

"I've looked this up, Mum. He has a lot of the markers of-"

"Okay, but just because the damn internet says something doesn't mean it's true!" I exclaim. "Look at all the crap the internet says about me, about the world and politics, look at the anti-vaxxers spouting whatever they want. Your father is an asshole, but he's not a sociopath. He's just a guy."

"You know that most sociopaths aren't serial killers, right? It's about how he acts. It's why he can't stop cheating and why he lies all the time about _nothing_. It's why he brags about helping send you into a breakdown after Tom raped you! He's a-"

"He brags about that?" I ask, quietly. Nate's a prick, but I didn't expect that.

Her eyes soften and she looks away. "Yeah. I heard him a few years ago, talking with Jeremy and Will. He thought it was funny."

I have to push down my rage. Of course he thought that was funny. "Yeah, well...only a doctor can diagnose him with that. Until you go get your PhD in Psychology, you can't say he's a sociopath...but you can say he's an asshole."

"I _can_? I can say that?" Her eyes light up and I sigh. "No, no, you said I could call him an A-hole! Can't take it back now!"

"Fine, Nova. One time, one _single_ time, you can call your dad an asshole, so use it wisely," I concede with a smile.

"Awesome!" she says, smiling as she starts eating her yogurt. "Oh, when do I start school?"

"Tomorrow. They emailed me a copy of your schedule. I'll send it to your phone."

"And do you work today?"

"Yeah. Costuming approval and set dressing for the Avalon scenes." I chuckle. "Never knew how much effort actually goes into the producer side of stuff. All this paperwork and stuff. It’s a lot easier to just show up, look pretty, and cry on cue."

"Oh, come on! There's more to acting than-"

"Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe I just make it look difficult," I joke.

"So...am I hanging out here or-"

"You're coming! You haven't met my people! Matt is gonna be there!"

She shakes her head. "Which one's that?"

"Uh, the one in the Halloween pic with me and Rob and Rich and we're all dressed like genderbent Charlie's Angels? He was the blond."

"The one that was on General hospital?" she asks.

"I mean, I think he'll always be John Winchester over Dr. Munro, but he-"

"Sorry, but Negan is John Winchester," she disagrees.

"Jeff has been in so many other things! Don't typecast him down to two frickin' characters, No! Also, why do you know about Negan? Was your dad letting you watch The Walking Dead?"

"I'm a teenager with Netflix, Mum." She says it like I'm stupid to be surprised that she sought out the gory, violent show and...damn, she's right. I'm stupid. I was watching all the porn when I was her age so I guess it’s not a big surprise she'd go for more mature programming.

I sigh. "Just...stay away from Game of Thrones, please. They butchered the characters in the final season, anyway, and you don't need that disappointment just to see some sex."

"There’s other sites than Netflix for that. Besides...I already watched Sense8, can't get better sex scenes than that."

"Mommy doesn't need to hear that," I say, standing. I do like that she can talk to me about this stuff, though. "That mind orgy _was_ pretty hot."

"I thought it was cool, yeah."

"Anyway. Matt is gonna be there to get his Puck costume approved. He's an awesome guy."

"How often do you see Misha? Like, I know he doesn't live here, but…" She stands and walks over to the dishwasher, taking my plate from my hands as she goes. "I talk to West and Maison on Twitter sometimes. They seem like good people. I feel like we'd vibe."

"You would vibe. Misha and Vicki raised those kids up to be science-minded, philosophical, genuine people." I smile and press my lips to her temple as she rinses off the plates. "You'd definitely vibe. I'll see what I can do about getting y'all in one place."

"Good," she says, smiling. "Now go get ready for work. I'll start the dishes."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Introducing Nova to the crew, _my_ crew, was something beautiful. She was so interested in how everything worked and asked a million questions and she called Matt "a goof" but as we're heading home, she's quiet.

"There’s a million things happening at once on a set. How do you keep it straight?"

"Well, that's why we have directors." I look over at her for a moment before turning back to the road. "I couldn't do that job. That's why I brought Richard in."

"Doesn't Jerksen do that stuff, too?"

I nod. "Yep. He's really good at it, too. Some of my favorite episodes of Supernatural were directed by Jensen. Episode 3 in season 10 was a masterpiece."

"Well, is he gonna be a director on Midsummer?"

"No, no. I mean, we're just starting to be friends again. I can’t let him into something so very, very important to me. I wouldn't...like, if our friendship thing doesn’t last, I can't let him leave his imprint on my... _my_ production, ya know?"

"So, how do you expect to be friends with him? Like, when you're obviously in love with him?"

"Thank you for your support, Supernova." I roll my eyes. "I had a huge crush on him before I even met him. I managed to survive being friends with him for months before I became anything more for him." Oh, fuck. Shoulda said 'years'. Dammit. Don’t catch that, Nova. "I can handle it."

"Okay, I guess. But if you start making googoo eyes at each other, I'm gonna poke you."

"Oh! Speaking of...well, of Jensen, um, Jared invited us over to his house this weekend. He's having a barbecue, a Pad-Ackles event. Jay's bringing all of the kids to hang with all of Jared's kids and we're gonna have some sweet tea and ribs and stuff. You don’t have to swim or any of that, you can hang out and read or something, but...we're gonna go."

"I don't know them," she grumbles a little.

"You know the Ackles' kids."

"Not in years, Mum. I haven't talked to them like I've talked to West and Maison. They're not-"

"You were excited about news friends at a new school. You can't get happy about new friends from my friends?"

She glowers a little, then sighs. "Okay. Fine. I'll go but I don’t have a bathing suit."

"We'll go to The Domain. It's the big outdoor mall. I'm sure somewhere there's a shop still carrying summer stuff."

She just rolls her eyes at me. Ah, teenagers.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nova loves her new school. She won’t shut up about how big it is compared to the high school back home, how there’s so many kids in the Gay-Straight Alliance, and they’re all so nice to her and the teachers are really great and they haven’t drowned her in homework and the band directors really know what they’re doing...on and on. I’m glad she’s happy.

“My Algebra teacher figured out who you are. He very subtly requested an autograph,” she says on the way to Jared’s.

“I’ll get him a glossy. He say what he knows me from?”

“Supernatural. He’d probably flip his lid if you got Jared and Jerksen to sign, too.”

I laugh. “You’re gonna have to stop calling him that.”

“Do I have to? I betcha he won’t get mad about it. He’s trying to be understanding and calm and junk.”

“Please. Be nice, Nova.”

“Fiiine.”

I pull into the Padaleckis’ driveway and park behind Jensen’s truck. “Okay, so they’re already here. Probably around back in the pool. Let’s go.” I say, turning off the car and getting out. I adjust my flannel overshirt that I totally didn’t steal from the wardrobe trailer of Supernatural and then I walk up to the door. Nova runs up behind me as I press the doorbell and we both smile as the door opens to reveal Genevieve in a bright blue bikini with a white tie around her waist. “Hey, Gen!”

“She shows her face!” she exclaims as she wraps me in a hug. “I missed you, woman!”

“I missed you too! This is my oldest, Nova. Nova, this is Gen.”

“Hey. Nice to meet you, honey. Most everyone is in the back. Through this way,” she says, closing the door behind us and leading us out to the backyard. “I recognize that cover-up. Did you steal that from the show?”

I gasp dramatically. “I most certainly did not! I would never have stolen the purple flannel from The Thing!” We both start laughing as we step out onto the back porch. “No, it was just so cozy, and my color, and it didn’t _actually_ fit either of the guys because their arms are too big, so...it was just gonna hang in the wardrobe until they sold it off when the show ended. I... _liberated_ it.”

“Jared stole the whiskey glasses and the decanter from the bunker library. We use them all the time,” she responds.

“But not when Jay’s around?” I ask quietly.

Gen nods. “That’s been a journey. But not one we need to talk about today. Today is about burgers and ribs and family and friends.”

“Y/n! You made it!” Jared shouts from the other side of the grill. “And Nova came! Yes!” He shuts the top of the grill and sets the tongs he’s using to the side before coming over to wrap his arms around me. Nova nods at a lounge chair in the grass and pulls a book out of her back pocket as she walks over to it. “I’m so happy you’re here. I barely got to talk to you at the reunion!”

“I should have stayed around but-”

“I heard,” Jared says, pulling away with a smirk. “No one expected _you_ to be the one to-”

“Shut up. It was...I was…Shut up,” I conclude. Jared laughs and I bite my bottom lip as I watch Nova settle with her book. I look over at the pool. JJ and the twins are playing a diving game with Tom, Shep, and Odette. Mav is nowhere to be seen and neither is Jensen. “I’m happy to be here, though. Hopefully, it won’t get too, ya know, awkward.”

“Well, there’s no alcohol out here so you don’t run the risk of making things awkward like-”

“I swear to God, Padalecki, if you keep bringing that up, I’m gonna leave,” I say firmly, but I can’t help but smile as he laughs.

“Okay, okay. I’ll put a pin in it, but still…we know what you did.”

“You ready, buddy?” Jay’s voice comes from the house, followed by Maverick’s.

“Yeah!”

Jay walks out the back door with Mav in his arms. He’s wearing baggy swim trunks and nothing else. I avoid looking at his muscles or those perfect, perky nipples by turning away to look at the offering of sodas and waters and the big pitcher of tea.

“Hey, Mommy made it, Mad Max!”

“Hi, Mommy! We’re going swimming!” Mav shouts and I turn back with a smile and wave at him as Jensen steps off the side of the pool into the water with Maverick in his arms.

I get distracted watching them. He’s holding Mav up and he’s treading water and his hair is in his eyes but he's laughing with our boy and man, he's pretty.

"You gonna swim?" Gen asks, gesturing at my flannel. "Assume there's a bikini under there."

"Oh, no, I don't do bikinis." I unbutton the flannel to show my red one-piece bathing suit with the sweetheart bust and the cute peekaboo hips with the black fringe. "I’ve got ugly c-section scars right where a sexy bikini would rest. No one wants to see that."

"A, if your scar is showing, you're wearing them too small, and B, I can think of someone who would want to see that," Gen says and my cheeks heat up.

"Shush!" I shake my head. "Seriously. I will leave."

"Hey, Y/n!" Jay calls out and I turn to look at him again. He wipes hair and water out of his eyes as he leans against the side of the pool. Mav is on his back, clinging to him. "There’s an alligator floaty in the deck box over there. Will you grab that for the monkey on my back?"

"Yeah." I smile as I walk over to the big plastic deck box and open it to find a lot of pool toys and the alligator. I grab it by its black handle and carry it over to Jay and Mav. He smiles at me as I bend down and set the floaty in the water next to him.

“Hey,” he says, licking his lips.

“Hey,” I respond as he smirks and I have to fight down a chill.

“You gonna get in?” he asks as Mav climbs off of his back onto the alligator.

“Maybe. I mean, I’m here. I’ve got the proper attire.” I shrug and my eyes flick to his crown tattoo on his wrist. His tattoos are sweet reminders of important times and people. “I might.” I look at his bicep, the jaybird and the arrow and the rope with the zeppelin knot. I remember holding onto that tattoo to ground myself…

My cheeks heat up and I look away. Don’t do that, silly woman.

“Well, I’ll tell you what I told the kids, if you’re not a strong swimmer, stay out of the deep end. Shorties like you need to-”

I scoff indignantly and push his shoulder. “I can freaking swim just fine and height has nothing to do with that!”

He smirks and laughs as he pushes off from the side of the pool and treads water in the middle. “Well, if you wanna swim, the kids were talkin’ about Marco Polo after they get done diving for treasure.”

I smile and stand. “I’ll think about it, Marco.” He nods and dives for the bottom of the pool. He’s got a tattoo on his back? I walk over to Jared at the grill. “When’d he get the thing on his back?”

“Mav’s second birthday,” Gen answers, handing me a bottle of water. “It’s a pack of Maverick playing cards.”

“Oh, that’s sweet. I didn’t know he got a tat for Mav, too.”

“Well, he’s got tattoos for the other kids. You really thought he wouldn’t get one for Maverick?” Jared asks and he’s right, but...I guess I just never really thought about it.

“I wasn’t thinking about his tattoos. I’m only thinking about them now because I can see them.”

“It’s more of his skin than you’ve seen in years, huh?” Jared teases.

“Shut your face, Jare. Jesus.”

I drink the water and pull the flannel off, setting it off to the side. I look over at Nova to see that JJ is out of the pool and sitting next to the lounge chair in the grass. She’s looking up at Nova and talking happily. I hope they’re gonna be friends again. I look over at the pool and Jensen is staring at me from the other side of Mav’s alligator. My cheeks heat up as he looks away, knowing he’s been caught. Why is he so fuckin’ cute sometimes?

I sigh and set the bottle of water down before I walk away. “Not a word, Padaleckis. Not a word,” I say before I jump into the pool.

I play with the kids, diving down for rings at the bottom of the pool and splashing the older kids. They start up a game of Marco Polo and it doesn’t take long for Jensen to be the tagger...and he comes for me immediately, like he knows where I am without his eyes. Doesn’t even call out ‘Marco’. Dick.

I pull myself gently down the wall but he still keeps coming for me, so I...cheat. I climb out of the pool and tiptoe around to the other side and slip into the shallow end. He keeps trying to find me over there until he gives up and shouts ‘Marco!’. The kids and I all shout ‘Polo!’ back...even Nova and JJ.

“Chevy, you aren’t even in the pool!” he complains with a smile.

“And you aren’t a 13th century Venetian explorer,” she shoots back.

I giggle at her response and it’s a beacon for him because he comes straight for me. I shriek and try to get away, but he grabs me and wraps me in his arms. His feet are on the bottom of the pool and I wish I was taller because I’m still fucking floating, trying to tread water while he holds me.

He smiles bright and opens his eyes. “Caught ya!”

“You cheated! Your eyes were totally open!” I laugh as I kick my legs.

“Prove it,” he teases. “Besides, I didn’t call you out for that Fish Outta Water you pulled a few minutes ago.”

“See?! You _were_ looking! I knew it!”

“Yeah, well…you’re It now,” he says, releasing his hold on me.

He goes around me and starts paddling toward the deep end and I can see his tattoo on his left shoulder blade. A box of cards, MAVERICK brand in big letters across the top, ‘PLAYING CARDS’ and ‘CARTES A JOUER’ across the bottom, and smack in the middle of the ornate red spade…‘Y/N’.


	10. It's Quiet Uptown

**Summary** : Y/n isn't sure how to deal with Jensen's biggest little gesture.

**Story Warnings** : past cheating, some angst, some pining, teen sass, making out, little bit of groping, nothing more than pg13

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I stare at his back for a minute before the kids start yelling at me to close my eyes and play. I'm more than a little distracted. Jensen has my name on his back. Jensen _tattooed_ my name on his back. Jensen, who thought he probably was never going to see me again, has a tattoo with my name.

It takes a few minutes but I finally tag Tom and then I pull myself out of the pool. "What, you're gettin' out already?" Jay protests and I don’t know what to say so I just nod and grab a towel from the table.

I wrap myself up and head inside, telling Gen as I pass that I'm gonna use the bathroom. Gonna go freak out in the bathroom.

Because what does that even mean?! What does my name on his back mean? My name on his back for almost four years. My name on his back when he didn’t think I'd ever see it. He didn’t do it for points or kudos or to win me back. He did it for him, or Mav maybe. He did it because...I'm still important to him.

What do I do here?

Besides pacing back and forth in the Padaleckis' guest bathroom, feeling like a game of Pong, what the fuck do I do? What am I supposed to do with that information?! He’s been walking around with my name on his back and I wasn’t even able to talk to him for years and now we’re here and we’re trying to move slow and be friends again and _he’s got my name tattooed on his damn back!_

I lean over the sink and try to breathe but I don’t know what I’m supposed to do and I’m not okay with this and I’m so fucking...lost. I’m lost.

I gasp and jump as someone knocks on the door. “I’m in here,” I answer, hoping it’s just someone who can go to one of the other bathrooms.

“You okay, Y/n?” Jensen’s voice filters through the wood and I hold back a groan.

“Yep,” I answer.

“You rushed outta the backyard like someone was chasin’ you.” I roll my eyes and I don’t answer him because I can’t answer him but he doesn’t leave. “You want me to get Jared?” he offers, softly. He knows something’s wrong, he can tell I’m not okay to talk to him about it, he’s offering me support through Jared. Why can’t he just not care?

I open the door and look up into his eyes. “You have a tattoo I’ve never seen before,” I say quietly as I step back and he enters the bathroom. I avoid looking at his chest, still so freaking pretty, as I close the door behind him.

He looks over his shoulder at the tattoo in the mirror. “Oh. Look, that wasn’t-I mean, I wasn’t trying to-”

“I know,” I interrupt. “And that’s what’s killing me. You didn’t think I was ever gonna see that, Jay. You didn’t ink my name on your skin like you penned the words to _100 Days_ or _Lost in Austin_. You didn’t do that for anybody but you...and what am I supposed to do about that?”

His jaw drops and he shakes his head. “I don’t know. Wh-what do you feel like doin’ about it?” he whispers.

“I don’t know!” I squeak. “I feel like...like this is a huge thing because you didn’t even get Danneel’s name on you but there’s my fucking name on your skin for forever and you even have it hidden away so that the paparazzi couldn’t tell me about it so it’s not even a little bit of something you did for Brownie Points and that says that you care and you wanted a part of me to be a part of you even if you never had another chance with me but I’m terrified about it because I’m still so fuckin’ hurt about what happened and I really just--Fuck!” I exclaim before I reach out with both hands and grab his head and pull him down for a kiss.

He wraps an arm around me and pulls me close and I run my hands through his wet hair to the back of his neck and pull him down further. I moan into his mouth as I feel a familiar hardness pressing against my stomach. We’re both panting when I pull away to breathe. And maybe I should have just kept kissing him until I passed out because now that we’re not kissing, I’m freaking out again.

I did it again. I kissed him _again_ and I’m not even drunk this time, I’m just unbelievably stupid! I can’t believe I did--I can’t fucking control myself around him. I can’t trust myself around him. I keep making the same stupid mistakes over and over and over and I can’t fucking do this to myself-

“Hey, stop. I can see those wheels goin’ off the track and you gotta stop,” he demands softly.

“This was such a stupid-”

“Why?” he argues, bending his knees to come down to my level and look into my eyes. “You feel it just like I do, Y/n. You’ve been fighting it and I understand why because I know how bad I fucked up but we’re better than we were and I’m not gonna hurt you this time and if you want to be kissing me as bad as I wanna be kissing you then why the fuck aren’t we doing that?”

“Because you cheated on me!” I squeak, pushing at his chest and slipping around him. “And it still hurts, Jay. It still hurts that I hated myself so fucking much that I wasn’t even mad at you about it. I still don’t understand why you didn’t go back to Danneel!”

I drop the lid on the toilet and sit on it, looking at my bare knees. “You should have gone back to her. It made the most sense.”

"No, what made the most sense was for me to never touch her again after I got with you, Y/n. I shouldn't have pushed for...I was happy with you. I never should have let the grass looking greener…" He moves over and kneels in front of me and takes my hand. "Y/n, I can never make up for what I did. There’s no real way to fix the damage I caused. I know that. I know that," he whispers again, more to himself than to me. "But I feel like...we might not be able to ever get back to where we were but we can get somewhere different. Somewhere better."

I swallow nervously and try to look away but...those fucking eyes, they won't let me go.

"And if you wanna keep fighting it, Baby Girl, I understand...but I'm not gonna stop fighting for our somewhere better."

I gasp. It’s loud and dramatic and seems almost fake, but...everything he just said and then ‘Baby Girl’? He can’t do this to me. “It’s not fair,” I whisper.

“I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t-”

“I don’t know how to not fight it, Jay. Fighting it down and holding it back are...all I know how to do anymore,” I admit.

He smiles softly and squeezes my hand. “I don’t know about that. When you get all overwhelmed and you do what comes naturally, seems like you know how to stop fighting it. Why don’t we try it without the frenzy part that usually comes first?” he suggests before leaning closer to my face and he’s gonna kiss me but he’s giving me time to say ‘no’, to stop him, but I don’t really wanna stop him so I let his lips brush mine and then we’re kissing again.

He pulls me into his lap and his shorts are cold and wet, but I don’t mind. All I can think about is the way his tongue tastes and the way his big hands are groping their way up my back and the way his hair is tickling my face and how I missed this so fucking much. Feeling safe and loved and warm. It's insane.

Our hands drift. Our mouths do the same until he’s got his hands on my hips rocking me against his erection and I’m sucking at the spot on his neck right below his left ear and he’s got his head tossed back and I’m so fuckin’ horny that I can barely _think_.

A knock on the door makes us jolt and I sit up. His hands grip my hips tighter as I clear my throat. “Yeah?” That was squeaky.

“Mum? Are you coming back outside or not? Mav’s getting hard to distract.”

My face fills with heat as I climb off of Jay’s lap. He puts up a finger to tell me he needs a minute and I nod. “Yeah, I’ll be out there in a minute.” I grab the towel I wrapped myself in before I came into the bathroom and hand it over to him. He mouths ‘Thank you’ and wraps it around his waist. It hides his hard on enough to avoid some embarrassment until it goes away. He nods at me and I open the door.

Nova examines me then Jensen before turning around and heading toward the backyard. I follow her. She slows down enough to get a bit behind me and then she jams her finger into my side, right between two of my ribs. “Ow! What the fu-- _Nova_!”

“I _told_ you I was gonna poke you if you started making googoo eyes at him,” she says, matter-of-factly. “I might not have seen the googoo with my own eyes, but you were totally doing it.”

“We didn’t...we weren’t doing anything, Supernova.”

“He’s got a hickey,” she says and I turn to look at Jensen and shit, she’s right. Damnit.

“Well, that’s...I…” I try to think of a response or an excuse, but nothing comes to mind. “Nope. I got nothin’.”

“Well, you’re gonna have to explain to Jared and Gen why you defiled their bathroom so-”

“We didn’t _defile_ anything, Chevy. We kept our clothes on, don’t worry,” Jensen says, amusement in his voice.

“Uh-huh,” she says, putting her hand up to stop him trying to continue toward the backyard. “I’ll tell you what I’m worried about.”

“I know what you’re worried about,” he says, suddenly quiet and serious.

“Mum, go check on Maverick, please? I gotta talk to Mr. Hotshot,” Nova says and I know what this is gonna be. This is gonna be a shovel talk. This is gonna be ‘you hurt my mom again and I’ll kill you’ and I don’t know if I’m happy for the support or scared that she’s gonna ruin this chance, but I’m not gonna stop her. I’m gonna let her say her peace and hope for the best.

I nod and head outside, picking up my flannel to cover myself.

“Everything okay?” Jared asks as I walk over to pick up Maverick and put him on my hip. “You were inside for a while...with Ackles.”

“I was just freaking out about the tattoo. You know me...not the sanest.”

“Oh, what because your name is on the-” Genevieve starts to ask and I nod. “Well, it’s not a big deal, right? You didn’t even know about it for the last-”

“I know. That’s kinda what I was freaking out about. He didn’t do it for me. It seemed kinda overwhelming. I’m over it. Jay helped me get over it.”

“So...I mean...y’all are good or-” Jared asks, offering me a burger on a paper plate.

“If he survives my daughter’s tongue-lashing, sure,” I answer with a smile. I take the burger with my free hand and take a bite before offering some to Maverick. “She’s not...she’s on the fence about everything.” I shrug as Mav takes the burger and starts chomping on it. “I’ve been on the fence about it, too, so I get it.”

“But you’re not anymore?” Jare asks.

“I’m...leaning. I’m…” My cheeks get all warm and I look toward my son as distraction. “How I feel about him is never going anywhere, right? And we’re better people now, right? I’m less insane, he’s less selfish. We both got help for our issues...and separately, we became…” I move Mav’s hair off of his forehead and sigh. “If I can get past it...then maybe we can be okay.”

“It’s not just on you ‘getting past it’, Y/n,” Gen says, shaking her head a little. “He’s gotta make sure that you never doubt how he feels again. That video was an accidental Reynolds Pamphlet and he has to prove to you that it’s never going to happen again. You’ve taken five years to Burn and now it’s time for some Quiet Uptown.”

I freakin’ love that play.

‘ _Forgiveness. Can you imagine?_ ’.

“I’m working on it.”

“Have you talked to Dr. McCaulief about it?” Jared asks as I set Mav down so he can eat the burger.

“Yeah, but...I mean, I haven’t seen her since before the reunion. We haven’t done weekly appointments since...like three years ago. She thinks I’m strong enough to do this without breaking, though. She thinks I can handle anything.”

“She’s right. Misha’s kept us up-to-date, you know,” Gen says, smiling. I roll my eyes. “No, come on! Don’t roll your eyes at me. You’ve done amazing things and you’ve gotten through so much! You’re one of the strongest people I know. Jared is the only exception.”

“You know how ridiculous that is, right?” I ask, picking up the pitcher of tea and pouring myself a Solo cup full. “I mean, all I did was become sane again. That’s not such a big thing, is it?”

“You pulled yourself back from a break that might have ended your life, Y/n,” Jared says, very seriously and very quietly, his eyes on Maverick to see if he’s catching any of the adults’ conversation. “I _know_ how hard that is. I know how big that is. The fact that you not only pulled yourself out of the dark but walked right into the spotlight afterward. You haven’t hidden your issues and you have been open and honest about your struggles, and I know how hard that is. The fact that you didn’t break, Y/n-”

“I did break,” I argue. I take a drink of tea and lean back against the table as I watch the kids sword fighting with pool noodles in the grass. “I just managed to fix the broken pieces of myself. But the reinforced bits are still very breakable.”

“And that’s why Nova’s giving Ackles the talk...because she doesn’t want you to break again. You probably tried to hide it from her, but she’s seen you...she’s seen a lot from you.” Jared sets his hand on my shoulder and smiles at me. “If it makes any difference to you, I’ve seen Jensen at his best and his worst and I don’t think he’s going to hurt you this time.”

“Did you think he was going to last time?” I ask, softly.

Jared does the Sturgeon Face, where his mouth looks like an upside-down U, and looks around to make sure the kids aren’t close enough to hear. “Knew it was a possibility. Back then...I could see how much he loved you, but I knew he wasn’t over Danneel.”

My throat goes dry. Danneel. She’s not part of his life anymore and he’s made that clear, but...is she still part of his heart?

“And now?” I whisper.

“What, Danneel?” Gen asks, quietly. “He doesn’t even talk about her anymore, Y/n.”

“Really?” I don’t believe that.

“He doesn’t speak her name unless he’s talking about the kids...and his eyes don't light up like they used to." Jared gives this little sigh. "You remember how he used to look when he said her name, like she was the world...he just looks so sad when he says her name now."

"Because he lost her, too?" I guess, but I know that's not what he means.

He shakes his head. “No. Because he hurt you with her.”

I take a deep breath as Jensen and Nova walk out the back door. She walks back over to the lounge chair and picks up her book as I walk over to Jay. “We’re gonna have to talk.”

“I just got done talkin’ to your bodyguard. You need to threaten me, too? Because she already told me I was gonna lose a very important body part if I break up with you again and I’m not going to be risking-”

“No, we need to...we need to talk about what happened to us before. We need to talk about all of it. We need to have a completely honest talk about...about what caused us to fall apart. What caused you to cheat in the first place.”

“So...we gotta...chop my dick off anyway?” he says, quietly, before smiling brightly. “Okay. We do. I’ve done this with my sponsor. I know why it happened and I can be honest about what I did.”

“Good. Tomorrow? Nova can watch Mav. She’d love to watch Mav, and then we can go on a hike together. Get everything out on the table. Do that moral inventory with each other.”

“Since when do you like hikes?” he asks.

“It’s been a few years. Dr. McCaulief said I needed to get out of the house every once in a while, so I started going out for hikes every once in a while. Slaughter Creek Trail is a good one.”

He nods. “I love that trail. Turkey Creek is a pretty good one, too. We can go wherever you want, Y/n.”

I lick my lips and nod. It’s nerve-wracking to think that tomorrow we’re gonna have the talk, get everything all out and I’ll be able to ask the questions I’ve tried not to let plague me. “That sounds great.”


	11. Lego House

**Summary** : Y/n and Jensen both commit to an honest conversation and analyze what happened in the background of their relationship.

**Story Warnings** : past cheating, a lot of angst, some of Jensen trying to manipulate things and manipulating things in the past, a lot of getting things out in the open and asking questions Y/n needs to know the answers to...a lot of angst.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"What are you going to say?" Nova asks as I tie my hiking boots up.

"I'm not a hundred percent sure, actually. I know I'm going to ask exactly what happened while I was in Vancouver...what the cameras didn't catch." I shrug and stand from my spot on the bed. "I guess I'll tell him about my time in the hospital and...my time before the hospital...and how I never felt…" My throat closes around the words and I shake my head. "Never felt worthy of him in the first place and all the bad shit that happened felt like my fault and-"

"So you're gonna spout a bunch of bull crap at him?"

"Nova, I-"

"No, I know that's invalidating to your emotions but those emotions were crap and you know that now, right?" Nova asks, her eyes bright and obviously needing to hear me say I know that everything wasn't my fault.

"I know those emotions were crap," I assure her. "They were a culmination of poor self-esteem from being bullied about my weight in school and your father's treatment of me and Tom's...controlling horribleness and-"

"You've made some epically poor choices when it comes to men." I glare at her a bit and she shrugs. "It's true."

"It's also not what I was talking about." I shrug and sigh. "Anyway, I've fixed a lot of that with the help of my doctor and I can talk about it frankly now and I can recognize and combat those negative thoughts."

"Good." She wraps her arms around me and I return the hug. "You better keep that in mind.”

“I will.”

“Also, remember, it’s still Indecent Exposure if you get caught naked in the middle of the woods.”

I roll my eyes. “Seriously, Supernova? I’m not going out to the woods to screw him.”

“You didn’t go into the bathroom at Jared and Genevieve’s place to screw him either, but you totally second-based yesterday.”

“This is not something I need my teenage daughter’s opinion on! I’m not going to do anything with him but talk. We need to talk and you don’t...we didn’t...we kept our clothes on, okay? I don’t know what to tell you.”

“You don’t gotta tell me anything, Mum. I don’t really wanna know,” she teases and I scoff.

“Be nice to your brother. Jay and I will have our phones but I don’t know how good our reception’s gonna be so try to keep him calm and don’t give him any soda or sugar or any of that junk, okay?”

“Mum, I can do this. Go. Get your answers.”

Answers. Gotta get answers so that I can move forward...with or without him.

I park next to his truck in the parking lot of the hiking trail. He smiles at me as he climbs down from the cab. “Hey.”

“Hey,” I respond. He looks almost Dean-ish in his brown boots and tight jeans and blue-green flannel over a grey t-shirt. Damn. “You wear that on purpose?” I ask, walking toward the trail.

“Would it be bad if I said ‘yes’?”

“Maybe. Mostly I’m just wondering how much effort you’re putting into manipulating the conversation.” I turn to look at him, walking backward slowly.

“I’m not trying to-” He scoffs and shakes his head, yanking the flannel off and tossing it on the hood of the truck. “This better?” he asks.

“You look less like Dean Winchester now. So, yeah. Better. Let’s go.” I turn back around and he catches up to me quick with his longer legs. “So, there’s a spot overlooking the creek that’s perfect for picnics and shit. I think it’ll be a good place to talk.”

“Okay. Sounds good.”

We hike in silence for a while. I don’t mind, really. I’m still trying to find the right words, the right questions, the right...something. Fuck, where do I even start? We get to the spot, my spot, my ‘look out at the water flowing and feel at one with nature’ spot and I pull a blanket out of my backpack and throw it down.

“Look at you. All prepared,” he says with a smile as we sit down. He looks a little nervous as I bite my lip and turn to look at the creek. I’m glad I’m not the only one. “So...where do we wanna start?”

I watch the water trickle a while before I shrug. “I don’t really know, honestly. There’s so much I feel like I’ve said before but I don’t know if you heard it, ya know? And there’s some of it that I don’t know if it matters. And then there’s questions and...and I don’t know if I even want the answers and that’s the problem, ya know?” I take a deep breath and move to sit with my legs crossed, facing him. “I never felt like I deserved you. Not a single moment of either element of our relationship...and that was on me. My self-esteem took constant battering my whole life and even when good things started happening for me, I couldn’t see them...not how I should have. Every good thing was always followed by a shadow of ‘How am I gonna fuck this up?’ and inevitably...self-fulfilling prophecy...almost everything _did_ get fucked up. And I blamed myself. I always blamed myself,” I finished in a whisper.

He doesn’t say anything, he’s just listening. That’s good. Just listening is good.

“So when we...had our night with Dee and I woke up the next day in agony about it, I blamed myself. I consented, I helped plan it, I participated with few reservations and then I regretted it. Somehow, I knew that that night was going to be the end of us. It was proof that you were still in love with her and you weren’t ever going to be satisfied with just me. I wasn’t enough and it was, ya know, it was evident in the way you-”

My throat closes around the words and tears pop up in my eyes and I have to close them, give them a chance to go away. It’s too early in this conversation for me to be crying. I clear my throat and blink a few times before I move on. He’s just sitting there, watching me patiently.

“It was evident in the way you touched her and told her you missed her body. It was evident in how you fucked her. And my brain, it went off on these crazy asides about how you planned it, how it was all a ploy to get back in bed with Dee and have me as your...your side piece.”

“I did,” he whispers and my eyes shoot to his. “Not so that you could be my side piece, Y/n, but...I did...push you to be with Dee so that I could be with her again.” I squeeze my eyes shut as pain stabs into my heart. I suspected for so long and to hear him say it...you’d think the truth would be vindicating, but it’s not. It’s just painful.

“Soon as you told me you kissed her, my brain was comin’ up with ‘Get them in bed together and then I can get in bed with both of them’. I had this idea about a love triangle where we all…” He sighs heavily. “I did it on purpose. I didn’t consider the consequences to your mental health. All I cared about was getting what I wanted.”

I wipe tears out of my eyes and clear my throat again, focusing on the creek again. “Guess I don’t have to wonder if you’re committed to honesty in this.” I see him nod from the corner of my eye. “Dr. McCaulief told me to tell you before I went to Vancouver that it couldn’t happen again with me and you and Dee, but I couldn’t let you down like that. I was so afraid of disappointing you. I felt like I’d done so much of that already.”

I bite down on my lip and take a deep breath. “But not telling you just made me feel worse. I don’t know if you remember, but...I couldn’t sleep with you after. Because I...I felt so disgusted with myself and I knew...I knew I was in the same sort of state as I was when I was with Tom. I wouldn’t have been able to finish.”

“I remember. I tried and you-you focused on _me_ instead. You always did.”

I shrug. “Like I’ve said, that’s a me problem.” I turn my head to look at him, rubbing my fingers under my nose and sniffling. “When you came home to Austin, did you fuck her?”

“No.” He licks his lips and shakes his head. “But we...pushed the boundaries,” he answers, softly.

What does he mean by that? “What does that mean?”

He’s silent for a minute. “We knew you...you didn’t want us touching each other so we didn’t...touch. But we played with ourselves...on the same bed.” I squeeze my eyes shut again, remembering the time we filmed Dean and Tara’s sex scene and we played with ourselves in his trailer. “We didn’t touch, but we got each other off.”

“And the kissing at San Jac? That wasn’t the first time you two kissed after you got back, was it?”

“No. We...couldn’t keep our lips off each other. It was like when we first started dating and we weren’t fucking but we still wanted to do as much as we could.”

“You were so in love with her,” I whisper. “What the hell happened, Jensen?”

“You happened. Right off the bat, you came in and...my heart-”

“No, I mean after.” I turn back to him. “What happened after? And I don’t want you to say that you felt so bad about hurting me that you couldn’t be with her. What happened after you got caught?”

“When the video hit TMZ, Dee and I both knew it was gonna hurt you. We, uh, both tried to call, texted you. But you, uh, didn’t answer...anybody.” He rubs his hand across his mouth and swallows thickly. “Jared wanted us to get on a plane and come see you, but I was hoping that you’d calm down and call me and cuss me out and then I could talk you down and explain it. I was thinkin’...it wasn’t a big deal compared to all the other crap you’d gotten through. I didn’t realize _exactly_ how bad it was, ya know? I knew it was bad, but it wasn’t as bad as some of the other crap you endured and-”

“I was alone,” I interrupt him. “It was by choice. I was isolating because I couldn’t be around people but I was alone and that’s why it was worse. That’s why I ended up in the asylum.” I look away again. “I was numb for days. I didn’t even cry. I blamed myself, like I said.” I grimace slightly and point at him. “I interrupted. Sorry.”

“Yeah, uh...I, uh...I thought I could fix it. I really did. Just thought I could talk to you and everything would be just fine, but...then Misha called. You were in the hospital, a psych hospital, and you gave yourself a-a concussion...be-beat-” He stutters over the words and I scoff.

“It wasn’t like that. I just wanted to feel something. I was numb for days and then...pain hurt. I didn’t feel a damn thing from the moment I saw that video and then pain hurt and I wanted to cry so bad and I couldn’t so I kept-” I force a deep breath and sigh it out. “I just wanted to stop feeling numb, that’s all.”

“Yeah, well. When Misha called, I explained everything. I told him about the arrangement we had before you got with Tom and how I fell in love with you and that’s the reason Danneel even left me in the first place and I told him about you and Danneel and that I got carried away and took a mile when you gave me an inch and Misha read me the Riot Act. I can’t even remember half the words he used. It was like a study in Shakespearean insults.” He scoffs. Of course Misha did that.

“He called me every name under the sun and he said, ‘Danneel has never _needed_ you a day in her life, but Y/n did and when she needed you most you used her to get Danneel back. You don’t deserve either of them but especially not Y/n’ and then he hung up on me. Misha’s never hung up on me before or since. He was so pissed off. Jared was, too, but he hid it better...but it changed how people I love looked at me and that changed how I looked in the mirror...and lookin’ at Dee was like lookin’ in the mirror. Just filled me with such...disgust and disappointment. It wasn’t _her_ fault. It was mine but she was this visual reminder of the worst shit I ever did...and I couldn’t love her when she reminded me of all the hate I had for myself.”

He wipes tears from his cheek and shakes his head. “I wrote _100 Days_ because I thought it would make you forgive me and if you forgave me, maybe I could forgive myself, but you...you didn’t do that.”

“So you started drinking to deal with it?”

He nods. “I had a couple really low years. I’d clean up for a few weeks and get okay with the fact that I destroyed everything and then I would...fall into the pit of self-destruction again. I’d smell your perfume in a crowd or I’d see your face on a magazine cover or...one time, I completely broke down after hearing ‘I Will Always Love You’ on the radio. That was where _Lost in Austin_ came from. It took a collaborative effort from everyone that loves me to get me to put down the alcohol. Nothin’ gets you quite like your kids staging an intervention for you.”

“JJ?” I ask, but my heart hurts more for him than I thought it could.

“Yeah. She did an impact statement, got the twins to do the same and everything, tore my heart out. It was the kick in the ass I needed to find my way to AA, though. I had a couple moments of weakness after I started trying but eventually it stuck."

"Perfume or People Magazine?" I ask, smiling slightly.

"Yeah...and a YouTube video of us singing together that first convention."

I look down and focus on my fingernails. "I'm sorry everything was so bad for you these last few years."

"I'm not. Sure, it sucked in the moment but I came out the other side a better man. Though…" He clears his throat. "I should have respected your boundaries a bit better when we had to start talking again for the school. I flirted and I shouldn't have." Wow. He’s apologizing for that? "You told me it was hard for you and I should have stopped flirting but I was just...I was so happy that I still had a good effect on you...meant you hadn't completely shut down."

"Thank you for...apologizing for that." What else can I say?

"Can I ask something?"

I nod. "Talking is the point of this, right?"

He shifts the way he's sitting and I shift to look at him. "Will Schaefer. Is there more to that story?"

I sigh and scratch the back of my neck. "I was trying to move on. He was this sweet baseball boy with a nice smile and a good body and he liked me. It wasn’t anything overwhelming and it didn't scream 'True love' or 'an opportunity I couldn't pass up' and that's why I couldn't pass it up. I wanted something simple...but he…" Honesty. He was honest. Me too. "He wasn't you. He didn't give me butterflies and he didn’t give me orgasms. He was perfectly nice but...it wasn't enough."

He smiles softly and nods. "I tried to date...once. She was...not you." He reaches out and takes my hand. "Y/n, I would give anything to reverse the hurt, but...I like who we are now. I think we're both better for the pain. Much as I'm sorry I did it, I can't deny that you really did rise like a phoenix, just like Kim said you would." He raises my hand to kiss my knuckles and I swoon a little. "Can we please try again?"

I nod. "Yeah. I think we can. But it's...gonna be complicated."

"Why? What's complicated? We're in love, even after five years apart. We can do this."

I scoff and pull my hand back. "The media is gonna have a field day with this. The fans are gonna throw a shit fit over it. And let's not forget our friends and family, right?"

"Well, I mean, fuck what the media has to say, honestly. And if the fans are upset then they're not worth our attention. And as for family...I'm sure I can win your parents back, and Nova is-"

"What'd she say to you? Yesterday?"

He licks his lips and chuckles. "Pretty much...'My mom still loves you and she doesn't know it yet but she's gonna give you another chance and since she's gonna give you access to her heart again, I'm going to play nice, but the first time you show that old selfish, cheater piece of crap is still inside of you, I'm gonna take a knife to your dick'." Nova. So proud and scared at the same time. "She told me that she...she really wants us to work this time. She said she wants you to be happy. Baby Girl, I want you to be happy, too."

I shake my head. "Do you know how hard it's been for me to just get to 'content'?" I set my hand on his arm and trace the knot of his tattoo. "So, how do we do this? Do we just...start dating?"

He reaches out and runs his thumb across my cheekbone. "You think Nova would mind if I took you to a movie before you headed back to Georgetown? The newest Avatar is still in theaters. You seen it?”

A real date? I haven’t been on a real date in…

“I have but it’s James Cameron. His stuff’s always worth a rewatch or two. I’ll call No when we get back to the cars, but...I’d like that.”


	12. Paparazzi

**Summary** : Y/n and Jensen head out on their second first date (did they really have one the first go 'round?) but fans with cell phone cameras always be messing stuff up.

**Story Warnings** : past cheating, little bit of angst, some being recorded without permission, **18+! HERE BE SEX!! DON’T READ IF YOU’RE A YOUNG’UN!!!** , groping and making out in public, dirty talk, finger-sucking, a bit of semi-public fingering

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My stomach is in knots when Jay and I pull our vehicles into the parking lot of the theater, parking right next to each other. He rushes around his truck to open my car door for me and I chuckle as I get out. “You’re ridiculous, you know that?” I say as he offers his arm to me. I take his arm anyway, because I wanna lean into him.

“I don’t mind bein’ ridiculous. ‘Specially not for you.”

I smile as he presents his phone to the ticketer. I’m glad we’ve both seen this damn movie before because the way he’s got his hand on my hip, it tells me we’re not gonna be paying much attention to the screen...and I don’t mind that. I’ve spent so much of the last five years dreaming about him, dreaming about his touch, that I really don’t care about anything else right now.

Fans approach as we're waiting in line at the concession stand, asking for selfies. Again, I'm surprised, but Jay seems to be an afterthought...until they realize who it is under that scruff.

"Isn't that her ex?" one of them whispers too loud to the other as they walk away.

"The one that cheated on her?"

"Yeah!"

"I think it is!"

"Well, that was fast," I mutter bitterly.

"It's your fault for being so pretty and recognizable," Jensen teases. "Come on. It's not like we're showing a bunch of PDA. Two people can go to a movie without it being a thing."

"Right. I know that...but it _is_ a thing."

"But nobody needs to know that, right?" He turns to look down at me and smiles. "If you don't want the world to know yet, we don't have to tell anyone. If phase one of our relationship taught me anything, it's that we can both keep a secret."

"I don't know...feels like it's inevitable anyway, but...we're still on uneven footing. I just...I don’t know, guess I was hoping it would be a few days at least before people other than our friends and family knew." I sigh as we get to the counter. "Which reminds me...gotta call my mom after the movie." I smile at the worker, order popcorn and candy. Jensen orders two bags of Haribo Gold Bears and two large drinks and I scoff as I hand a fifty to the teen behind the register. "Of course you go with gummy bears."

"What, like I'm gonna get Sno-Caps? Please. Gummy bears are a perfectly fine theater candy."

"Don't diss Sno-Caps!" I say, shaking the box in his face. He grabs a handful of popcorn and shoves it in his mouth and I giggle. "Slow down, Dean."

"Hey, 'f I coul'n pu' oo ow, ee woul'n 'ave been a pig," he says and it's scary but I totally caught all of that.

"Dean wasn't a pig. He was just a man who enjoyed the simple pleasures. Don't you dare argue with me on this. I'm still a fan."

"Fangirl," he teases with a smirk.

"I remember the look on your face when you met McConaughey. You really wanna start with me, fanboy?" I tease back.

"I do not. Truce?" I nod and go to pull open the door to the theater, but he balances two drinks and his candy in one hand so that he can pull it open for me. I thank him as I slip through the opening and head for the middle seats. "Nope. Back middle. Way back middle," he says, heading up the stairs.

I follow and take the seat on his right. I feel a bit like a teenager again...not that I actually made out in a theater as a teen. Back then, if I was paying for a movie, I was _watching_ a movie. Now, though, money's not tight and I'm not missing anything if I spend some time with my face attached to someone else's. He pushes up the armrest between us so I have to put my drink in the right hand cup holder. I hang my purse on the flip-down hook on the back of the seat in front of me and set my candy in the big pocket.

"You know as soon as the lights go down, we're gonna be all over each other, right?"

Jensen opens his first bag of gummies and I side-eye him as I take a sip out of the 48 oz drink. "Oh now you're gonna taste like gummy candy. I don't know if I wanna kiss you if you're gonna taste like gummy bears."

"Liar. Never stopped you in the past."

"I'm a different woman now. Maybe I don’t like gummy bears anymore," I argue, smirking.

"Yeah, maybe...but you like me so you'll get over it," he says smirking as he winks.

Damn, that does things to me. "Better finish that popcorn or it's gonna end up all over the floor."

"You plannin' to get rough?" he asks.

"Well, you still got a hickey from the last time I got my mouth on you," I say with a shrug. He groans and I look over at him, eyebrows raised. "What?"

He leans forward next to my ear, lips grazing my earlobe. "You have any idea how much I want the mouth on me again? On much more sensitive places than my goddamn neck?"

Heat fills me and I have to lick my lips to get moisture back in my mouth.

"I got an idea, yeah." About as much as I want his hands on me, his tongue, those fucking lips… "We can't do that here, though, and we're not jumping into that stuff, right?"

"God, I wish we were," he says, settling back into his seat.

Fuck. I'm gonna fuck him.

Not here, of course. The very last thing either of us needs is to get caught with our pants down in a movie theater (Paul Reubens, anyone?) but I'm gonna fuck him...sooner rather than later.

"You got anything comin' other than Midsummer?" he asks as the previews start, a bright **COMING SOON** taking up the screen.

I grab a handful of popcorn and nod. "Bit part in a rom-com with Zendaya and Coy Stewart coming out in a few months. Probably not gonna be in the previews, though."

"Why wouldn’t you be? You're you."

"I play the Rebel Wilson-y comic relief slash accidental cockblocking roommate."

He scoffs and shovels gummy bears into his mouth. I settle into my seat too, leaning against his shoulder. I look around the theater. There's not a lot of people in here. Six or seven in three groups. I scoot a little closer to Jensen and he smirks. "You that eager to start, Baby Girl?"

Fuck, yes I am.

"No. Just getting comfy." He nods, all smug and knowing, and then he sets his hand on my left knee. It just sits there, warming my skin through the denim of my jeans. I wish he'd move it, though. It's just sitting there. It's not doing anything but adding anticipation and that's why it's there, goddammit. He just wants to make me squirm. Well, two can play that game.

I reach out and set a hand on his thigh. He jerks a bit as I start tracing my fingernail across the meat of that thick muscle. The fingers on my knee dig in a bit.

"Playing with fire, Y/n," he warns over the sound of the music for the newest Disney/Pixar thing that Mav would probably love.

"You started it, Ackles."

His fingers dig in harder and I gasp a bit as he leans closer to my ear again. "You really wanna do this? Because we both know I can turn you into a puddle a long time before you get to me."

Don't let him and that fucking voice get to you, Y/n. "Says the man with my name tattooed on his back. The pussy was so good you had to ink a reminder of it on your skin?"

"Damn right, baby. Been dreaming of your pretty fuckin' pussy for fuckin' years. Dreamin' of that noise you make and how you were so fucking good at taking me in your pretty mouth. I'd risk arrest to have that mouth on my cock again right now."

Oh. My. God.

He wins. Holy shit.

He chuckles and pats my knee as my face goes completely hot. “Told ya.”

“Jerk. I’ma get you back for that.”

“Sure ya will. Lookin’ forward to it.” He fucking winks at me. Oh, I’m definitely gonna get that smug bastard back on round two.

The movie starts and the whole of the theater goes dark. I purposely ignore his attempts to get me to look at him instead of the screen. I ignore his hand creeping up my thigh. I ignore his whispered ‘heys’. When his hand slips in between my thighs, I know I’ve gotta stop him or he’s gonna get me again.

So, I grab his wrist and pull his hand away. He gets an indignant air about him until I turn his hand around and start tracing the lines of his palm. I catch the look on his face. He’s confused until I lift his hand to my mouth and lick across his life line. His jaw drops a little and he gasps as I lick a stripe up his middle finger and he makes a sound of almost pain when I suck the tip between my lips.

“Fuck,” he whispers.

I wiggle my tongue against the digit for a minute before taking it into my mouth and sucking it hard. I take a bit of time to get him all riled up and his finger all wet with my saliva and I blow his finger just like I wanna blow his cock...and he responds just like I want him to. He grabs his armrest tight and starts shifting in his seat, breathing just a little heavy. When I flick my eyes over to his face, he’s got his eyes closed. I pull my lips off of him with a pop and hum happily as I drop his hand in his lap.

“Round two, me.”

It takes him a minute to shake himself out of it, but he chuckles when he opens his eyes. “Yeah. You win that one, Y/n. All tied up. Let’s go for a tie-breaker,” he whispers before grabbing my head and pulling me into a kiss.

The game is forgotten as we kiss. Pandora on the screen is completely forgotten, too. His tongue in my mouth is all I can focus on. His hands skimming across my body, fingers digging into my curves, it’s all I can process. I’m not even sure what my hands are doing until they stop their travels; one buried in his hair and the other in his lap, groping at his erection. Fuck, it’s so big.

How did I go for so long without that cock? Jesus, why are we on a date and not in a hotel room or something?

Slow. We’re not jumping into this. Slow.

I pull back from the kiss and set my forehead against his, but I don’t stop running my hand along the thick line of him along the left leg of his jeans. “We’re supposed to be going slow,” I remind us both.

“And that’s why I haven’t pulled you into my lap and started fuckin’ you senseless yet,” he responds. “But you better believe I’m gonna make you cum before you go home tonight, Y/n, even if it’s just from you riding my thigh like a needy little thing.”

“Fuck, don’t--you can’t say things like that,” I whine quietly.

“Yeah? Stop me,” he taunts. “Stop me from telling you all about how I want to spend hours getting my tongue in your pussy, licking you until you scream over and over and over. Stop me from telling you all about how I want to get you bent in half with your knees mashed into your tits and my dick stretching you out like it used to. Stop me from-”

I let out a frustrated groan and kiss him. It’s the only way I can think of to shut him up.

We go right back to making out, groping each other, and we stay that way until the end credits roll. We pull away from each other and gather our trash and leftover snacks and my purse and then we sit for a few minutes until his hard on goes down.

I toss my drink and the rest of the popcorn in the trash can just outside of the theater and start to head for the lobby.

“So, where to next?” Jensen asks.

“Well, my daughter is waiting at my place with our son, so...home? I’m heading home,” I answer before adding, “Alone.”

“Don’t go home yet. Let’s go for a drive in the Hill Country.”

“Jensen, we’ve been out together for hours. Maverick and Nova are waiting for me.”

“Nova is not waiting, okay? She texted me after you asked her to watch Mav a bit longer to threaten me.” He licks his bottom lip between his teeth and gives me puppy eyes. “Come for a drive with me. I know a place we can park and we can look at the stars.”

“Look at the stars? That’s what you’re going with?” The look he gives me is just...how do you say ‘no’ to that smug, beautiful asshole? “Fine, but...we’re not doing anything.”

“Sure,” he responds with a smirk.

We leave my car at the theater and I climb up into his truck. He drives us out to the country in Hamilton County. He stops at a farm, explains that he knows the guy who owns the land. He owns a vineyard, used to talk all the time when Jensen was a big part of the brewery.

“He won’t mind if we hang out and watch the stars.” He reaches into the back and grabs a rolled-up blanket from the floor. We jump out of the cab and walk around to the bed. He helps me climb up, not that I need it. I think he just wants his hands on me. We lay out on the blanket and stare up at the sky. The moon is bright, stars are, too. Damn. It is nice. “Nobody for miles. Stars in the sky. You lookin’ like a dream,” he says quietly, leaning over me.

“Shut up,” I say, looking away from him.

“Make me.”

“You just want me to kiss you,” I accuse.

“All the time,” he says before leaning down to lick and suck at my neck. “I wanna hear you moan, Baby Girl.”

“Fuck,” I whisper as I turn my head to give him better access. “Jay, fuck.”

“Can’t. We’re taking it slow, remember?” he whispers, amused. Don’t remind me when you’ve got your teeth scraping my skin and your hand working my tit. “But you remember what I said? I said I was gonna make you cum tonight.”

I gasp as he rolls over on top of me, fitting his thigh between mine and applying perfect pressure to my mound. He leans back and looks into my eyes and his pupils are so big I can barely see the green of them. “You wanna cum on my thigh or are you gonna let me get my fingers in you again?”

Honestly, both prospects are amazing in my lust-drunk mind...but I really want something in me. “Fuck me with your fingers, Jay.” God, I haven’t said those words in forever...and I haven’t seen that fucking smirk in forever. The one that says he’s gonna wreck me and I’m gonna thank him for it.

He leans, sitting on his heels, pops my jeans open and unzips them. I’m suddenly self-conscious of my underwear. I didn’t expect to let him see the plain white cotton panties when I put them on this morning. He lets his tongue sweep over his front teeth as he looks over them. “Shit. These are cute,” he whispers, before leaning over me and grabbing my head for another kiss that takes my breath away. “I do miss the Captain American boyshorts, though.”

“I can’t believe you remember those,” I say, shaking my head a little.

“You really think I’d forget our first time?” he asks before sliding his hand down my body.

My breath hitches as his fingers tease under the elastic of my underwear. “It’s just been...it’s been so many years since…” I lose where I’m going with that sentence as his middle finger slips between my pussy lips. Was I going to say ‘since our first time’? Or ‘since Tom threw those underwear out because he didn’t like them’? I don’t know, because he rubs that finger over my clit and I gasp out loud. “ _Fuck_!”

“You know how many times I’ve jacked off to the memory of our first time? You were so nervous, but so fuckin’ good, baby. You were so enthusiastic. I fuckin’ loved it.”

“Jay.” I gasp again and grab his forearm as he gets his hand lower and slides his finger into me. “Shit, that’s so...fuck.”

He smirks as he starts kissing me again. His finger working me open makes me moan and whine into his mouth, but it feels so fucking good. I forgot how good he is at this. I forgot how good he makes me feel. I forgot- "Right there!" I moan into his mouth. Oh, God, he slips another finger in and I am lost. I am not gonna last very long and holy fuck!

He groans when I let out a high-pitched whine. Shit, that scares me so much I almost stop him. He's the only one who has ever made me make that sound. How can he still make me make that sound?

I don’t stop him, though, and he keeps kissing me and ramping me up and I start bucking my hips to get his fingers in me deeper and it doesn’t take long for me to be cumming all over his fingers, my hands grabbing at his shoulders as I make that sound into the kiss.

"Just as beautiful as I remembered," he says, slowly fucking me through the orgasm.

"How do you-" I take a deep breath to steady myself and squirm a little to look in his eyes. "How do you do that?"

"What? Play your pussy like a six-string?" he asks, amusement in his eyes as he removes his hand.

I prop myself up on my elbows and lick my lips. "How do you make me make that fucking noise? No one else has ever made me whine like that. Not Nate or Tom or Will or...or even me. And I've tried," I admit. "I spent two hours edging and masturbating once, trying to get myself worked up enough to-"

He smiles and leans down to kiss me again before licking his fingers clean. "I don't _make_ you make that sound, Baby Girl. That's just the sound you make when you're being properly worshipped and, obviously, I'm the only one who knows how to do that."

"Smug," I accuse him with a smile.

He shrugs. "You bring it out of me." He checks his Rolex and sighs. "Should probably get you home. You've missed your whole day with Mav. Sorry."

"It's okay. I get the feeling I'm gonna be seeing him a lot more from now on." I fix my jeans up and jump down from the tailgate, heading for the cab as Jensen rolls up the blanket. I pull out my phone to call Nova when I notice a bunch of Twitter notifications. Shit. Almost always bad. Almost always.

Maybe it's just from those fans at the theater. Oh, yup. People spreading pics of me and Jay together in the lobby of the theater, pulling out of the parking lot. Oh, who the fuck took a pic of us on the trail?!

Oh, shit.

"What's with the face?" Jensen asks as he climbs into the driver’s seat.

"Someone recognized us at the theater."

"Well, yeah, you said-"

"No, _in_ the theater. Someone sold TMZ footage of us making out in the theater." I hold up my phone to show him the TMZ article that showed a very clear Night Mode video of us kissing and groping each other in the back of the theater.

"Fuckin' real sick of TMZ," he practically growls as I start flipping through notifications and mentions on Twitter. There's a lot of 'What the fuck is she thinking?' and 'In public?! How old are they?' and 'I can't believe she took him back' responses, but there's also a lot of 'I was hoping they'd get back together' and 'DARA LIVES!' and then there's Tom.

'It is a singularly disappointing thing to see someone pathetically crawl back to someone who doesn't deserve them on their hands and knees.'

I bristle indignantly at that until I notice the responses. 'Dude, stop obsessing. You're the pathetic one' and 'if you're gonna tweet about Y/n you might as well name her. Not like she's gonna get notified since she blocked you.' and 'shut up, man, you're just jealous'.

"Baby Girl, it's okay. We knew it was risky, but...we didn't _have_ to keep it secret, right?"

"Well, my mom knows. She texted me four times, demanding to know why I didn't tell her. Fucking awesome. They couldn't wait a few days? Really?"

"Well, you should have called your mom when we started getting close again. I did," he says and I look down bashfully.

"You already told your mom that-"

"Soon as you agreed to let me start texting you again," he says. "Look, this is not a big deal. Just...we'll just own it, okay? Yeah, we're giving it another chance and yeah, we were making out like teenagers in the back of Avatar and I'm not the least bit ashamed of any of it. Really, are you, Y/n?"

I shake my head. "No. It felt good...and I've missed you...and I think...own it. I can do that."

"Good girl," he says, smiling brightly. "Call your mom, I'll drive you back to your car."

"Why did I have to hear it from TMZ that you’re back with Jensen?" Mom asks instead of saying 'hi'.

"Because we weren't back together until about six hours ago and I have been kinda busy-"

"Busy making out in public and I called my granddaughter and she told me that you've been dancing around each other again since August so why didn't I know about it?"

"Calling Nova for information is a low blow, Mom. I-"

"You weren't answering your phone, now, were you?"

"I was busy! I was-"

"Making out in public with the man who cheated on you and broke your heart!"

"Among other things, yes, but you have to understand that things are a lot more complicated than that and we've both grown and-"

"If you end up in another asylum because of him, I swear I'll kill him. I'm old enough to claim dementia convincingly."

"I won't end up in an asylum...and he's...we're taking it slow."

"Six hours ago you weren't together and now you're making out in a theater, you call that slow?"

"Mom, Nova told you that Jensen and I have been dancing around each other for two months. I think that's slow enough to have a make-up session in a movie theater, okay? Just...let me figure this out, okay?"

"Fine. But tell him-"

"That you will kill him. Yes, ma'am." Jay chuckles as I roll my eyes. "Look. I'll call tomorrow. Love you. Bye." I hang up the phone and sigh. "She is so not happy."

"And she's just as protective as Nova, I hear. It's cool. I deserve it. So...what do we wanna do about the fans and media?"

"Own it, right? I guess...we admit it."

"Okay. Damage control tomorrow," he says, and then we drive in silence for a while.

"I had a lot of fun tonight. I'm...glad we were able to talk and stuff, ya know?" I say as I get out of the truck.

He follows me and walks around the front of the truck to look down at me. "Yeah, 'and stuff'," he responds with a smirk before nodding. "Yeah, me too. It was good to get it all out."

“Well, I’ll...I’ll message you when I get home, okay?”

He nods again and leans down to kiss me. “Drive safe, Y/n.”

“You too,” I say before I get into my car.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“You really couldn’t go twenty-four hours without getting caught on camera?” Nova asks when I walk in the door.

“Seriously, Supernova?” I roll my eyes as I text Jay that I got home safe. “I’m a grown woman. If I weren’t a famous grown woman, no one would care that I was necking with an ex-boyfriend in a movie.”

“But you are famous and have been most of my life, Mum. You should know better."

"Not most, just half. Shush. Where's your brother?" I ask, setting my keys down on the coffee table.

"Asleep. He zonked out in his plushie menagerie."

"Aw. That's adorable. Also, don't rat on me to Anya, Nova."

"She asked! Did you want me to lie?" she asks indignantly.

I sigh. "No. But you could have said 'That is not my business. Talk to my mom.' Which is true and would have-"

"Anya would have been so mad if I did that and you know it!"

I roll my eyes. My mother would have been relentless about it. "Yeah. I know. It’s fine. Not your fault. It's fine."

My phone buzzes and I open the message from Jay.

**< <Watch this. Need your approval before I post to Instagram.**

Well, seems the man does learn from past mistakes. I press play and turn my phone sideways. It's Jay sitting on his couch. He waves at the camera and smiles.

" _Hey guys. So, seems like TMZ got footage of me making out with an ex again. I'd say I'm so embarrassed but...really not. So here's the story I'm sure you're clambering for: Y/n and I started talking again a couple months ago after five years of avoidance. Spark was still there and we got close again. Today, we went out and took a hike together and after we talked and got everything out in the open, she let me take her on a date. I don’t have to tell y'all how amazing it is that she even fucking talked to me but she's giving me a second chance. She is giving me a chance and I can't be embarrassed that we got caught on our second first date because, shit, we were on our second first date! That's amazing. So, you know...I'm gonna make sure I don't mess this up this time. Prepare for a lot of love-dovey pictures and declarations of happiness._ "

I smile and text him back.

**> >Perfect. I think I'll record my own.**

But how to post it? I haven't had an Instagram or a public Facebook in years. I keep my Twitter strictly professional. Maybe…

I pull up my text chain to Misha and send him a message.

**> >Hey, would you mind posting a video to your Instagram for me? I wanna respond to the fact that I got caught kissing Jensen but I don’t have an Insta.**

He responds quick since it's only, like, 9pm in Washington.

**< <Sure. Hijack my Instagram. See if I care.**

I thank him and start to walk to my room to figure out exactly what I want to say. "No later than midnight on the Xbox, kiddo," I call to Nova."

"Yes, ma'am."

I sit on my bed and sigh. Own it. Own it. I can do this. I hold my phone up and select video. “Hey, internet! Fans and friends and family and the inevitable ex...or two...watching this, hello! I’m borrowing Misha’s Instagram to get a message out.” I chuckle. “I know everyone has their opinions on that little video of me making out with that handsome green-eyed stranger, but I’m, uh, just gonna...ya know what? It doesn’t matter. I spent five years avoiding him to the point that my shrink called it ‘unhealthy’...and I think it was probably because I knew I had no shot of staying away if I saw him again. When it comes down to it, I have loved Jensen since the day I met him. The real him, not the con persona or the interview mask. I still love him and pretending like I don’t? It just doesn’t work when I’m right in front of him.”

I shake my head. “And some of you are sayin’ ‘Well, just go back to avoiding him.’ and I would. I really would...but I don’t want to,” I say, matter-of-factly. “I don’t want to go back to depriving myself of a wonderful man just because I’m scared of him hurting me again. I’ve grown and bettered myself. He’s grown and bettered himself. I want to see what we can do together. So...Jensen and I are gonna give it another go...and I don’t see anything wrong with that. If you do, well...you can keep that to yourself. Dara lives,” I say before winking and shutting off the recording.

I watch it back and it seems good. I think it’s a good message. I send it to Misha with a request for him to post it tomorrow morning.

**< <Dara Lives. I love it. Good for you, doing what makes you happy again. I’ll post it tomorrow.**

I smile. I love him. He’s the best best friend.

**> >Next time you’re in town, we gotta get the families together. My supernova wants to meet West and Maison in person.**

**< <I’ll let you know!**

I lean back against my pillows and stare at the ceiling for a minute. Things are gonna be okay. Things are going to be just fine...for once in my godforsaken life.


	13. Gossip Folks

**Summary** : Y/n goes on a talk show to clear some air and talk about her show.

**Story Warnings** : past cheating, little bit of angst, mostly nothing

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Every talk show and late night show and a dozen magazines and websites have requested interviews since that video went up. You gonna go for any of 'em?" my agent, Samantha, asks as I get dressed and do my makeup in the morning.

“Maybe. Any of ‘em wanna give me equal time to talk about Midsummer after they question me about my love life?” I ask, applying liner to my lips.

“I didn’t ask. Usually, you wanna be a recluse when this kind of thing happens.”

“I _am_ allowed to like my privacy, Sam. Being an actor doesn’t mean that I need to go talk about my life all the time. But I do wanna talk about Midsummer so...call everybody back, compile a list of who’s willing to give me equal time to talk about my project and then call me back.”

She chuckles and sighs, getting off the phone with me as I walk out of my room and head for the kitchen. Nova is sitting at the table with a bowl of cereal in front of her. “Mornin’,” she says.

“Good morning, beautiful. How’d you sleep?”

“Just fine. You?” she asks, a little bit of attitude in her tone.

“You good?” I ask, setting a hand on her shoulder.

“Yeah. I’m okay. Dad called,” she says, a little short.

“And what did Dad say?”

“Just that he misses me and he wishes that he didn’t have to miss me and he's disappointed in you for going back to Jerksen and he's going to fight you on it when you put in for full custody of me."

Of course. Nate can't just leave it alone. Has to be an asshole. Well...fine. Fine. He wants to play, I'll play. I'll find the best Family Law Attorney in all of Texas and I'll fucking destroy his ass this time. I'll drag him through the mud just like he deserves and when I come out the other side looking like a bitch, that won't matter because that fucking sociopath isn't going to have my daughter anymore. I'm done.

"It'll be okay," I promise her.

"Oh really? You think it's gonna be okay? Mum, he fights dirty on this stuff. That's how he got me before! He made you seem unstable and flighty and made it out like you were-"

"I know. He's not the only one who can play the game like that."

"But you _won't_. You’re too nice! He's going to-"

I squeeze her shoulder and head for the Keurig. "I don't have to be mean, No. I just have to hire a mean lawyer and give them ammo so they can do it for me."

"Really? You're gonna...those guys are all really expensive."

"Yep. I went with a nice, less expensive lawyer last time because I couldn't see the judge actually taking you from me but this time I'm gonna spend good money and get a damn shark. I've got a good cushion. I don't spend my money on shit that isn't important so that I have it waiting when I need to spend it on things like this. Money is no obstacle to keeping you where you belong."

Nova shifts in her chair and looks over at me. “You know Dad won’t be able to afford a-”

“That’s his fault, isn’t it? I told him to go to FullSail and get a job in animation, but he didn’t listen to me so it’s not my fault that he’s living on a Kitchen Manager salary and the damn support I send him every month...which will end as soon as I get a judge to hand him his ass in court. Anyway.” I smile brightly and hit the button to start my coffee. “When you’re done eating, will you go get your brother? We should do something together today. Mall trip, maybe?”

She doesn’t look so down now that I’ve told her I’m willing to do whatever it takes to get her to stay. She nods and starts shoveling cereal into her mouth. Good.

“Well, when’s the last time you went on a late night show?” Nova asks as we walk through the mall.

“I’ve only done late night once...with Tom, Seb, and Mackie. I’ve done The View and The Talk and Kelly Clarkson, though. The last time was...a long while ago.”

“So, who do you wanna go on?”

I shrug. “I don’t know. Still never got a chance to go on Corden. I like Corden."

“Conan O’Brien is good too.”

“Conan!” Mav shouts, showing off his mini guns and making a growling noise. “Barbarian!”

I laugh. “Different Conan, baby. But Conan is good. I mean...maybe...if he’ll give me time to talk about something other than Jensen. Seriously...why does it matter who I’m dating? Why can’t people care about what I’m creating instead?”

“I mean, they _do_ , but the relationship gossip is a lot more fun. It’s like high school. Who’s dating who, who’s still a virgin, who’s a slut...those are more fun than who’s on the honor roll, who’s getting an athletic scholarship, who’s going to state for Thespians.” Nova shrugs. “It’s all about entertainment.”

“Yeah, that’s true, I guess.” I lead them into the Disney store and Mav’s eyes get big. “As long as I get to talk about Midsummer, I’m happy. I’ll tell them whatever they wanna hear as long as I get to talk about Shakespeare.”

“You know that if you start talking about Shakespeare, that’ll open you up to questions about _him_ ,” Nova says, glaring at an invisible Tom.

“Tom doesn’t _own_ Shakespeare...and he scoffed when I told him Midsummer was my favorite so...if they bring up Tom, I’ll just...shut it down.”

“Good. He doesn’t get to be associated with you anymore.”

“Unless people are watching _Anthology_ you mean?”

She scoffs and walks away toward the Star Wars stuff as Mav makes a beeline for the pod of Spider-Man stuff.

My kids are amazing. My kids are together and they’re smiling and things are okay. Things are good. Gotta keep ‘em that way.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“A yacht?” I deadpan, as I stare at the Skype screen on my phone. “You want to rent a yacht?”

“Yeah. Me and you and the captain out on Lake Travis. No paps, no fans, a night on the water, some fishing, some staring at the moon and stars.”

“Yeah, ‘moon and stars’ is how you got me out in the Hill Country, Jay.”

He smirks and raises an eyebrow. “And we had fun in the Hill Country, didn’t we?” My cheeks get warm as I remember the fun.

“And you’re planning to have that kind of fun on this rented yacht?”

He shrugs. “I mean, part of the fantasy here is gettin’ a fishin’ rod in your hand, but if you wanna get a different rod in your hand then that’s totally fine, Baby Girl.” He chuckles as my whole face goes burning hot. “I really do just wanna spend some lake time with my girl. Never got the chance to go fishing with you when we were together before.”

I sigh and lick my lips. “Fine. I...do have to fly out to LA on Monday, but I’m free when I get back.”

“LA?”

“Yeah. I’m going on Conan. He promised to give me time to talk about Midsummer...after I talk about me and you.”

He licks his lips and nods. “Okay. So. How much are you gonna tell Conan about me and you?” he asks.

“The truth, mostly. Maybe not the whole truth, but…” I shrug. “It’s gonna be fine.”

“You gonna take Nova?”

I shake my head. “Nope. Misha is coming down to hang for a few weeks, him and his kids, so he’ll be here with her when she gets off the bus and her, West, and Maison can hang out while I’m in California and then when I get back-”

“I’ll rent a yacht and we can have a second second date.”

I shake my head and chuckle. “Fine. You wanna...Nitty Gritty Dirt Band off a yacht, then we can do that. I gotta go. I’ll see you when I get back.”

“You better, Baby Girl.”

“West and Maison are coming over?” Nova asks as she walks in and sits beside my desk.

"Eavesdropper," I accuse with a smile.

"Close your door if you're gonna be dirty with your boyfriend," she shoots back. So quick. She's so clever.

"Yeah. Misha and his munchkins will be here tomorrow.”

“Awesome...and when are you going to rent a yacht to go get laid on Lake Travis?”

“Eavesdropper,” I accuse again and she shrugs. “Probably next weekend...after I get back from Cali.”

“And where are the Collinses going to be staying?”

“Maison is gonna be staying on a cot in your room, West is gonna be sleeping on the couch in the den. Misha’s gonna have my bed.”

“And what does his wife think about that?”

I laugh. If only she knew Vickie is a huge proponent of the life Jay and Dee used to live...not that I’d get sucked into that open marriage bullshit again. Never again. Not even for my best friend.

“I’m sleeping on the recliner in the living room,” I answer. “He’s a guest and he’s...adult in charge while I’m gone.”

“I’m fourteen, you know. I can spend a weekend-”

“Yeah, but don’t you wanna meet with your friends?” I remind her.

She rolls her eyes. “Fine. Yes. I’ll allow a babysitter.”

“You’ll _allow_. Wow.” I sigh and shake my head. “Misha’s awesome and you’ll love West and Maison.”

“Of course I will,” she says, looking bashful. Bashful...is she blushing? Hmm. Interesting.

“Anyway. It’s gonna be great.” I nod at her and smile and she walks out of my office.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**< <KiiTA Baby Girl**

I smile at the message and shake my head as I head for the stage. ‘Kick it in The Ass’. I sure will.

“You might know my next guest from Supernatural and the Snowpiercer series, but you most likely know her from her gossip-worthy love life, please welcome Y/n Y/l/n!” Conan calls out and I walk out to a wall of applause. I wave to the audience and smile, offering my hand to the tall ginger man before taking a seat beside Andy Richter. “Welcome to Los Angeles, Y/n. I know you don’t spend a lot of time out here on the West coast, right?”

I shake my head. “No, I spend as much time at home in Texas as possible. I’m actually shooting my new show in Austin specifically because I didn’t wanna have to travel to get to work.”

“And you moved to Texas to be with your boyfriend, Jensen Ackles, right?” he asks and I laugh.

“Smooth segue, Conan.”

“He’s a master at that,” Andy exclaims.

I shake my head and turn back to Conan. “Yeah, back when we first started dating the first time, I moved in with Jensen in _his_ house in Austin and then when we...had our big breakup, I moved into my own house in Austin, because I wanted to be near my son...he was a baby at the time, needed me close. Texas has been home for almost six years now.”

“And speaking of Jensen-” Conan started.

“Knew we would be,” I interrupt.

“You were seen together last weekend and it caused a whole uproar with your fans and with his fans and you were both fairly eloquent with your responses which basically boiled down to ‘nunya business’ so...I just have to ask, how do you forgive that? After what happened last time, how do you forgive and forget?”

I chuckle and hold down a bit of indignation. Knew we’d be going here, knew we’d be doing this. I turn my attention to the audience and lick my lips. “To anybody that doesn’t know what Conan’s referring to, my boyfriend got caught cheating on me with his ex-wife five years ago and it completely broke me!” I say in my most upbeat way possible. I turn back to Conan and shrug. “You forgive. You just forgive, man. You don’t _forget_ because there’s no forgetting that stuff, but you let it go and move forward. Jensen is a much different man than he was when I met him and he was...not a horrible man when I met him. He had a couple very public screwups when it came to our relationship but he was mostly a good man and he’s put a lot of effort into being an even better one.”

“But you stopped talking to him after he cheated on you, right?” Conan asks, leaning forward a bit. “For almost five years?”

“Yeah. Because I needed to. I was in love with him but I couldn’t talk to him. I couldn’t deal with him. You kinda tend to avoid triggering subjects and places and people when you’re recovering from a...a severe depressive episode.” I scratch at my jaw and chuckle. “But I don’t need to avoid him anymore. I’m not recovering. I’m recovered.”

“So, you’re giving it another shot?” Andy asks and I turn to smile at him.

“Yeah. Why not? You have _seen_ him, right?” I joke.

“And you think it’s gonna work out?” Conan asks.

“Damn, you sound like my mom, Conan,” I say a little snarkier than I intend. “I don-”

“No, but you have some notoriously _bad_ taste in men, though, don’t you?”

Fuckin’ had to do this to me? Really?

I take a deep breath, calm myself. I want to talk about Midsummer so I gotta get through the personal shit. “I wasn’t healthy. For a long time I had the _worst_ self esteem. My ex-husband, he played on that _hard_...but nowhere near as hard as Tom did. See, I was…” God, where are the words?

“I had no idea who I was when I started working for Marvel. I knew who I wanted to be, but I didn’t think I would ever be her. There was such a disconnect between the little fat girl my ex married and the movie star I wanted to be. Tom managed to see both sides… and...He preyed upon me. There’s no other word for it. Now, I should have questioned a bit. I should have been more cautious but when all you want...when all your life you’ve been put down and put upon, all you want is a bit of recognition and appreciation. I got obsession instead.”

I shrug. “What I have with Jensen is exactly what I always wanted. Jensen was my friend first. We were friends for a long time before we became something more. He loved and appreciated me long before we started dating the first time and he’s had five years to grow more appreciative. Do I know if it’s gonna work out this time? Not at all. All I can do is hope.”

“That’s sweet,” Andy says and I turn to smile at him.

“Thanks, Andy. I think it's gonna be a good thing. Only time will tell.”

There’s a nice long few seconds before Conan clears his throat. “Now, is Jensen going to be a part of your--you’re doing a Shakespeare thing, right?”

“Jensen is not going to be part of Midsummer. At least not the first season of it. We’ll see after that. I mean, he is an amazing director, but...Midsummer is mine, ya know? It’s mine and I don’t really want it to be a...a collaborative event.”

“So, what is Midsummer? That’s off of A Midsummer Night’s Dream, right?”

I smile. “Yes. It’s a bit of a modern take on the world of the fairy court. It starts with the wedding, the double wedding, and then goes into Oberon and Titania, the fairy king and queen’s reconciliation. It's like...we take Shakespeare and use it as a jumping off point."

"And you’re acting in this and directing or-"

"God, no, I couldn't direct myself out of a paper bag. I'm acting, producing, and writing."

"Someone told me that you used to write fan fiction. That true?" Conan asks and my cheeks heat up. That hasn't been brought up in a while.

"Y-yeah. Yeah, that was my escape for a long time." I smooth out my skirt over my knees and smile tightly. "It gave me a good basis for getting words out and transforming recognizable works into something new...and ya know…"

Here's my hill. Let me die on it. "There's some really good writers churning out fanfiction, Conan. Some of the Marvel stuff I've read, and yes I do still read fanfic sometimes and I'd shout out to my favorite writers but I know that they'd probably be super embarrassed if they knew I was reading their stuff, some of the Supernatural stuff that's still being written. There was actually this really amazing fic I read for Clyde's American Dream where Sandra and Clyde burned down their house for insurance money and then Sandra killed Clyde to take the money and run and it was so perfectly in character that I don’t even know how to describe...it felt like it could have come from one of the show writers, it was that in character."

"Wow, you are really passionate about this," Conan says and I laugh.

"Well, yeah, I mean...I wrote fanfic for fifteen years and it was always looked down on. It's always been looked down on. But when James Cameron turned his Pocahontas fanfic into Avatar, everyone threw money at him. When E.L. James turned Twilight fanfic into 50 Shades, everyone threw money and riding crops at her and her fic was bad. It was bad fic. So why not defend the good writers? I would have loved if someone kinda famous had gotten up and said 'fanfic is something to be proud of', when I was a young fanfic writer or a writer in her twenties...hell, if I weren’t so freakin' busy, I would still write fanfiction, Conan. Fanfiction is fun."

"And this is kinda fanfic of A Midsummer Night’s Dream, then?" Conan asks.

"Kinda! In the same way Elementary and BBC Sherlock were Sherlock Holmes fanfiction,” I say and the audience laughs. “Midsummer is amazing though and we’ve got some really good people signed on to play these iconic characters, including Matt Cohen another Supernatural alum, who is playing the part of Puck.”

“Puck was always my favorite,” Andy says. “Always messin’ stuff up, getting flowers mixed up and-”

“Well, I mean, Oberon coulda been a bit more clear about which sleeping humans needed love juice.” I laugh loudly.

“Definitely not _you_. You’re making bad love decisions without help,” Conan jokes and I smile tightly.

“Oh, definitely. No help from Cupid’s arrow needed for me,” I bite out with a smile. This ass. Whatever. Got to talk about my thing. I’m happy.

“Well, thank you for coming out to LA, Y/n. When we get back, we’ve got Keanu Reeves from his dressing room on Broadway.”

I wave at the audience as they count us down, say goodbye to Conan before standing and leaning down to give Andy a hug. Andy’s solid. Conan’s a bit of a dick. Not doing this again. I pull out my phone and text Jay.

**> >That was shitty. Rent that yacht. I wanna get away.**


	14. Some People Do

**Summary** : Y/n learns a bit about Nova and Jensen learns that Y/n is no longer immune to his musical apologies.

**Story Warnings** : past cheating, little bit of angst, little bit of talk of underaged kissing (some F/F), **THE YACHT SCENES WILL BE NEXT CHAPTER** (i'm sorry)

~~~~~~~~~~

I get back home at about half past midnight but Misha’s still awake, sitting on my couch with a book of poetry in his lap. It’s only ten-thirty to him, so it makes sense. He sets the book down and stands, smiling, to wrap me in a hug. “How was your flight?” he asks.

“Long. We ended up stuck on the tarmac for a couple hours because someone flew a drone too close to the airport. It was ridiculous. How were things here? Was Nova okay? How’s she getting along with West and Maison?” I ask, pulling away and Misha laughs quietly.

“Uh, they’re getting along just swell. Maybe _too_ well.” I pull back and look into his eyes and the blues are just sparkling. I shake my head in confusion. “You didn’t tell me that Nova likes girls.”

My eyes go wide. It shouldn’t be a shock, and I’ve had my suspicions, but she’s never said it. “She’s...never come out to me. Did she come out to _you_?” I ask. I’m offended. Why would she come out to Misha and not me? I mean, yeah, he played a genderfluid celestial being in love with a man on the show but I’m her _mother_.

“In a way,” he says, chuckling. “They didn’t see me but I walked in on them kissing in the attic.”

“Nova and Maison?” I whisper.

“At first, yeah. But your daughter is a brilliant little convincer...West didn’t fare any better against her charms than Maison did.”

“Both of them?!” I squeak.

“Yeah. Not really sure what we should do about that, or if we should do _anything_ about that.”

I look at him with my jaw dropped. I blink a few times and then lick my lips and shrug. “You’ve had the safe sex talk with your kids, right?”

“Well, talks. It’s a continuous discussion.”

“Exactly. Then, we’re good.”

“Really?” Misha asks as I walk toward the kitchen for a cup of coffee. “You don’t wanna say anything to them?”

“No. All three of them know how to be safe if they decide to do anything more than kissing. I’m hoping thirteen, fourteen, and fifteen year olds won’t go further than kissing, but they’ll be safe if they do and I’m not going to shame them for-”

“I wasn’t suggesting shaming them. Just talking to them.”

“Talking to them about the specific instance of them being caught kissing each other would seem like shaming to them. They’re teenagers. We’ll talk to them about it after a while, just not right now.” I can’t believe Nova hasn’t told me. Am I not supportive enough? Does she think I’m gonna judge her? Maybe if I told her about Danneel she’d trust me. Oh, but that’s such a can of worms. Maybe I should have already told her, though.

“Okay, then,” Misha says as I forgo the coffee and grab a beer out of the fridge.

“Want one?” I ask. He nods and I hand him a bottle. “Why do you think she hasn’t come out to me?” I don’t know why it bugs me so much, but it does.

Misha’s eyebrow goes up. “She’s very private, isn’t she? She might just be trying to keep things close to the vest.”

“But I’m her mother.”

“And she’s a teenager. You think she wants to have that talk with you?” Misha rationalizes as he twists the top off of the beer and tosses it in the trash.

“You think she would if I told her about Dee?” I ask, taking a drink of my own beer.

“You really want to have that talk with _her_?”

I scoff at the very idea. “Not really. But...it would be a good lesson to teach on internal pressure. Convincing yourself to do something you don’t really want because you want to make the people you love happy.” I shrug. “I used to do a lot of that. And I mean...if she knew that I was _with_ a woman, maybe that’d make it easier. I don’t know. Maybe it’d make her feel bad because things didn’t work out too well with the one woman I ever got that far with and then maybe she’d judge me for never mentioning it to her that the threesome happened and that precipitated Jay cheating on me and-”

“Stop.” Misha steps forward. “She’ll tell you when she’s ready to tell you, Y/n. Maison told me when she first started thinking about it but did you ever tell _your_ parents about Danneel?”

“God, no. Why would I do that?” I sigh. “You really think she’ll tell me?”

“Yeah.” He nods.

I take a deep pull off of the beer and scoff. “She really got both of ‘em? Is she that smooth or that cute?”

“She’s _your_ daughter,” Misha says with a smile. “You have an indescribable pull. It seems she inherited it.”

My cheeks heat up at his words. “So, magic. She’s not smooth _or_ cute, it’s witchcraft,” I say with a smile. I’ve been accused of putting men under spells before. I take a drink and hum. “Oh, I don’t know if Jay and Jared talked to you, but they’re coming over tomorrow. They wanted to hang out before you go home.”

“They’re not bringing their kids, are they? Because with Nova’s preternatural charm, I’m afraid of what might happen,” Misha jokes, a wide grin breaking out across his face.

I laugh. “Shut up. Now I’m imagining my daughter leading a teenage Padcockles orgy in my attic and that’s just _wrong_.”

“The word ‘Padcockles’ is by far the most disturbing part of that sentence,” Misha says, after nearly choking on his beer.

“Hey, you started this,” I say before walking into the living room to lay out across the couch.

“All right, I give, you win,” Misha says, leaning down to kiss my cheek. “See you in the morning.”

“Night, Meesh.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In the morning, as we eat breakfast that we all had a hand in making, it’s hard not to think about the fact that my daughter was making out with Misha’s kids. But I don’t bring it up. I keep it in. I’ll talk to Nova later.

“So, we’re gonna have Jared and Jensen over tonight so what do you kids wanna do? We calling in a babysitter or are you kids gonna be okay to hang upstairs by yourselves?” Misha asks.

Nova rolls her eyes dramatically. "We're not babies. We'll be just fine to leave you guys alone and hang out in my room."

"I'm not sure-" I start but Misha clears his throat.

"Fine, but know that we're going to be checking on you and we're not going to be drinking so it's not like we're gonna get drunk and forget about you."

"Yeah, okay," West says, looking across the table at No...who just shrugs.

"Not a problem," Nova says as Maison nods.

"You think they're gonna be doing anything?" I ask Misha as we clean up from breakfast.

"I'm sure, but we're not talking to them about it yet, remember? Because we don't want them to feel ashamed over the perfectly natural-"

"That is my baby girl up there, leading your baby boy and girl dancing down a path of smutfoolery," I whisper and Misha laughs.

"It's not that big an issue. Our kids are fine and if West and Maison wanted to, they could resist Nova's siren call. They don't want to and that's just fine."

I sigh. "Yeah. You're right. I'm just...I'm just worried. I don't know why. I'm being stupid."

"It's not stupid," Misha says, suddenly very serious. "You've maintained a parental relationship with Nova mostly over the telephone for half of her life. You weren't there for first crushes, first kisses, first time caught playing House a little too realistically...this is new territory for you and you are allowed to be a little nervous about it."

Damn. This is why Misha’s my best friend.

"Thank you. I just really don't know what I should do here. Because they're smart. Our kids are smart, but sometimes even smart people fuck shit up and I know she's supposed to fuck some stuff up, right, because that's how you learn but I don't want her to fuck anything up and I just want to-"

Misha hugs me and I drop my head to his chest and take a deep breath. “It’s going to be okay, Y/n. Our kids _are_ smart. They’re not gonna fuck anything up.” He pulls back and looks down into my eyes. “They’re just having a little fun. It’s fine.”

I nod and take a deep breath. “Okay.”

“It’s fine” is the mantra I hold onto as Nova puts on music in her bedroom as soon as Jared arrives. Jared wraps me in a hug and picks me up and spins me a bit. "Where’s Ackles?" he asks, setting me down.

"Not here yet," I answer, taking his jacket and hanging it on the hall tree.

"Really? Figured he'd be spending as much time with you as possible now that the cat's out of the bag."

"Why was there a cat in a bag?" I ask with a smile. "Cats don't like bags." I turn back to him and shrug. "We're taking things slow. We rushed in before."

"Not the first time. First time he had to warm up to you over months and months," Jared argues.

I roll my eyes. "Way to break down the whole beginning of my friendship with Jay down to him warming me up to be his sanctioned mistress."

"I mean…" Jared's eyebrows go up and he shrugs animatedly. "He wanted to be friends with you for a _few_ weeks, and then he wanted you in his bed."

"Thanks, that makes it better," I grumble.

"And ya know I know you're not going _slow_ , right?" Jared says, smirking.

"Shut up. We're moving slower than we did before. We haven't even-"

"Fingering doesn't count, then? Good to know," he teases and my whole face goes hot.

"Fuck you, Jared."

"I'm sure I could talk Gen into some kinky shit like Misha and Vicky do but it'd have to be all four of us," he jokes and I roll my eyes.

"You, Gen, Misha, and Vicky? I can see that," I joke back. "You want a Coke?"

"Yeah," he says, dropping into my recliner and starting a conversation with Misha as I walk out of the living room. I sneak up the stairs to Nova's room and stand outside her door. I can hear them over the music. They're not trying to keep their voices down.

"I'm not being mean," Nova says, a little indignant.

"He's not a jerk, though," Maison says.

"Okay, but...look, he ruined _everything_. You get that, right? He ruined everything. My mom wanted to marry him and then he ruined it. He gave her family and love and made her feel good about herself and then he cheated on her!"

"He cheated with her on Danneel first," West says and my eyes go wide.

"No. It's not cheating when you have permission," Nova argues and what the fuck, how do they know this shit?

"Right, it's polyamory but he obviously wasn’t big on monogamy if he was with both of them," West responds. "Your mom had to know what she was getting into."

"Obviously not! And she obviously didn't want him cheating on her. He wasn’t...he was a good guy who helped her with her self esteem and then he just broke her!"

"You're just mad that he didn't save you from your dad," West accuses.

"No, I'm not!"

"Yes, you are. You said it, that you thought Jensen was gonna marry your mom and be a better dad than your real dad and treat you better because he treated her better and then they broke up and you lost all that family you started to have. You went from having an awesome step-family in reach to having nothing but your dad's second family. You said on Twitter."

Oh. No wonder she has such an issue with Jay. I didn’t even realize...she really was getting so close with him and his kids before he broke me...and that broke her happy-ever-after with the Ackleses too. Fuck.

But how do these kids know?

"Fine, okay, I said that. But it's not that he didn’t save me. He broke her and that made it where I couldn't even be with _her_ for years because the courts wouldn't give custody to a crazy woman! I'm not being mean. I am just being cautious."

I sneak back down the stairs, grab a few Cokes from the fridge and bring them into the living room. Misha smiles. "Were they decent?"

"Yeah, they were just talking," I say as I hand a drink to Jared. "Um, you didn't mention that I was originally Jensen's mistress to your kids, did you?"

Misha’s eyebrows tuck together in confusion for a moment before they jump up. "Um, no...but...they did come across an old tumblr post a few months ago."

Oh God which one?

"What old tumblr post?"

"The one that pairs the evidence of your affair with Tom's allegations that you were Jensen's mistress," Misha answers.

Awesome. Just fucking awesome.

"Were they talking about that?" Jared asks, popping open the can of soda.

"Yeah. They were talking about it like it was history, like it was something they knew was fact, not someone's crazy theory." I shake my head.

Jared and Misha shrug. "It's not a big deal. If they think that's what happened...they don't know it’s what happened," Jared says.

"And what does it matter anyway? That was years ago and you're in a different situation now."

I sigh. They're right. But it's just...I hate that.

And I hate how I completely missed why Nova's been so reluctant to get close to the Ackleses again. I'm so stupid.

"So how _long_ have our kids been talking over Twitter?" I ask, sitting next to Misha.

"Long enough to share conspiracy theories and develop crushes, apparently." Misha laughs and I chuckle. "West mentioned Nova the first time about six months ago, I think."

"Okay...well, you know...he knows things about my daughter that _I_ don't know. Like why she's being an ass to Jay is due to her fear of getting too close and then losing him again," I say.

"Isn't that why _you_ were resistant to getting close to him?" Jared teases.

"Yeah, which is another reason I feel so fucking stupid for not seeing it. Thanks, Jare." I take a deep breath and shake my head. “This is...complicated.”

“Life is,” Jared says as my doorbell rings. That’ll be Jay. I stand up but Jared jumps and runs to the door before I can do anything. “‘Bout time you showed up, Ackles.”

“Brother, it’s been a long damn day. I spent the whole day in a recording booth.” Jay walks in, hugs Jared, then moves for me. “Hey, gorgeous.”

My cheeks go warm and I have to smile. There’s no stopping it. How does he manage to make everything so much better with a damn look?

"What's wrong?" Jay asks as he kisses the top of my head.

"Apparently, West and Maison and Nova read a post a few months ago...that paired Tom's allegations that I used to be your mistress with the evidence that one fan collected when I was dating Tom-"

"So Nova knows." It isn't a question, but a statement. "That why she's been giving me so much shit?"

I shake my head. "No. That's a separate issue...that we will talk about later." I laugh. "Dr. McCaulief would be so disappointed in how many times I've said 'later' these last two days."

"I'm sure she'd be proud of you no matter what," Jared said.

"She know you're back with me?" Jensen asks as we move to sit. He pulls me into his lap before I have a chance to stop him. God, it feels so good to just be _with_ him and our friends and he smells like the Tom Ford cologne and his hands are just on me and that's so nice. He looks at me and smirks. "Does she?"

"Does who? What?" I ask. We were talking about- "Oh! Dr. McCaulief!" I nod and look away. Jared is laughing at me. "Yeah. She emailed me a couple days ago, said she saw I had a major life change and she expected me to see her soon."

"She's still helping, though, right?" Misha asks and I nod.

"Definitely."

We keep talking, about memories from the show and missing the cons and how we owe so much of our lives to Kripke and it’s nice and everything is easy and then Jared notices the acoustic guitar in the corner of the room and stands to go pick it up. “You gonna play?” Jensen asks, smiling.

“Maybe,” Jared says, strumming his fingers over the strings.

“Hey, get up a minute, Baby Girl,” Jay says quietly and I stand from his lap. “Be right back.” I cross my arm over my chest as he leaves the house. He walks back in with a keyboard and a stand. “You take the keys, I’ll take the strings?”

Jared takes the keyboard and sets it up on the stand in front of my recliner. Jensen looks over at me as he pulls the guitar into his lap and the guitar now has my spot so I sit on the other side of Misha. “So, what do we wanna sing?” Jay asks.

I shrug. “I dunno.”

“How ‘bout a little Keith Urban?” Jay offers.

“Nah, I know a good one.” Jared starts playing and my brain doesn’t catch on to what it is for an embarrassing few moments, but Jensen obviously recognizes it. He shakes his head at Jared but starts strumming the chords out.

“ _I know you’re hurt, I know it’s my fault. But I’ve kept I’m Sorry locked in a vault. I know that time just keeps goin’ on. And words by themselves can’t right all the wrongs. In a world that’s gone crazy, you don’t know what’s true. Most people don’t change, but some people do._ ” Old Dominion. Oh. Oh! He’s singing to me! I love when he sings to me. “ _Some people quit drinkin’ too much. And some people quit lyin’. Some people decide to grow up. But it’s never good timin’. Most wouldn’t forgive what I put you through. But I’m here tonight, hopin’ some people do._ ”

Jay’s eyes are sparkling as he sings to me. God, his voice, his face, those lips that are making those sounds come out so pretty, fuck and it’s an apology song and I fucking love him. I love him so much.

“ _Some people say sorry to hear it’s okay, But I know it’s not so you don’t have to say, That you understand ‘cause I know you don’t. And neither do I, that don’t mean that I won’t, Try everyday to show you the truth. Most people don’t change, but some people do. Some people quit drinkin’ too much. And some people quit lyin’. Some people decide to grow up. But it’s never good timin’. Most wouldn’t forgive what I put you through. But I’m here tonight, hopin’ some people do. So whether you kiss me or you close the door, Just know that I'm better than I was before. Some people quit drinkin’ too much. And some people quit lyin’. Some people decide to grow up. But it’s never good timin’. Most wouldn’t forgive what I put you through. But I’m here tonight, hopin’ some people do._ ”

Fuck. I’m so in love with him.

“Oh, she looks like she’s gonna cry!” Misha exclaims and I look away.

“Shut up, Collins!” I demand, looking away and rubbing at my eyes as Jensen sets the guitar aside.

“Holy shit, I really _can_ get to you with music still. I thought I broke that.” Jay reaches over and tucks his hand around my neck and pulls me back into his lap. He looks into my eyes and smiles at me. “Hey, baby. You okay?”

I nod and smile back at him. “I’m just...just a little overwhelmed. Everything’s changing again.”

“Is that a bad thing?” Jay asks and Misha and Jared both lean forward to watch us, an intense and almost synchronized amusement in their eyes.

“Maybe. I’m not sure yet,” I answer with a smile. “But I’m pretty sure it’s not a bad thing that we’re all here together.”

“Cheese!” Jared shouts and we all fall to laughter.

“Yeah, I’m cheesy when I’m happy.”

Jensen tucks his tongue under his front teeth and smiles at me. “Well, let’s just make sure you stay cheesy.”

“Keep that tongue where it belongs,” I whisper, focusing on the little flash of pink under the perfect white of his teeth.

“Your mouth?” he whispers.

“Oh, they’re gonna start kissing and we’re fuckin’ gonna lose ‘em,” Jared teases but I barely even notice because then Jensen leans forward and we’re kissing and...they lose us.

And that’s not a bad thing.


	15. Fishin' in the Dark

**Summary** : Y/n talks to Nova about what happened with the Collins kids and then goes on a lake date with Jensen.

**Story Warnings** : past cheating, little bit of talk of underaged kissing (some F/F), mentions of sex toys, **18+! HERE BE SEX!! DON’T READ IF YOU’RE A YOUNG’UN!!!** , protected sex, oral (fem rec)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nova and I drive Misha and his kids to the airport and walk them to the TSA check. Misha hugs me as Nova hugs West and Maison. “You call me when you get back to the mountains, okay?”

“Of course. Thank you for letting me steal your bed for a week.”

“Any time, Meesh. I wish you lived closer, man, but you can definitely steal my bed any time you want to come visit.”

He pulls back and smiles. “It won’t be the last time. Wouldn’t want to deprive our kids of seeing each other.” His eyes sparkle as he says it and he’s such a little shit.

“Right. Well, I love you, ya jerk. Come back soon.”

Misha smiles at me, pats my back and picks up his bag. Nova waves at the Collins kids until she can’t see them anymore. We head out to the parking garage and get in the car. I start driving toward the house. I look over at her at a red light and bite my bottom lip. “So, there’s something we should talk about,” I say.

“I’m in trouble?” she asks.

“No!” I clear my throat. “No. You aren’t in trouble but there’s a few things that I need to talk to you about and-”

“Are you pregnant again?”

I scoff and shake my head. “No, but...Birds and bees are kinda part of this, but…” I clear my throat again and sigh. “So, Misha walked into the attic while you and West and Maison were up there and he saw-”

“For God’s sake, Mum,” she says as she rolls her eyes.

“I know you don’t wanna talk to me about this stuff, but you were making out with West and Maison and I think that’s something we should talk about, kiddo.”

She sighs. “Yes. Okay. I’ve got...they’re really…”

“Nova, baby, why didn’t you tell me you were crushing on Misha’s kids?”

“Because it’s personal and I didn’t want to talk about it!”

I knew that answer was coming. “I get that, but you know you can talk to me about anything, right? Why wouldn’t you want to talk to me?”

“I don’t know. It’s no big. Seriously. Do we have to do this?”

“Look...I just...I know I’m your mom and you don’t want me to be involved and that’s why Misha and I didn’t say anything to any of you while they were here, but I-I mean...I support you in whatever you want to do, ya know?” I lick my lips and focus on the road. “I mean...you know I…” I swallow and clear my throat. “Okay, um, also, I wanted to talk to you about something I heard you say...about why you don’t want to get too close to Jensen.”

“Were you eavesdropping on me?” She’s all indignant and I feel bad, but I had to.

“Yes. I was making sure that you weren’t doing anything sexually adventurous with West and Maison and I overheard it, okay?” I look over at her and I just wanna make things better for her. “Look, I’m sorry. I was so caught up in my recovering from what I lost when Jay cheated that I never thought about what you lost. I was selfish and I’m so sorry.”

“You…” She sighs loudly and groans. “You weren’t selfish. You were coming back from a huge emotional break. You had to focus on you. I was fine, okay, I _am_ fine. I just...the idea of letting him hurt us again is too much to think about, okay? But I want _you_ to have him because I know that he’s what you want and you deserve to have what you want. It’s just...he’s gonna have to work to get me okay, okay?”

I sigh. “ _Okay_ ,” I say pointedly. We go for a few minutes in silence before I say, “So, did I miss out on any girlfriends while I was coming back from my huge emotional break?”

She sighs loudly again. “Yeah. I had a girlfriend in middle school. Her name was Kiara. She broke up with me.”

“Oh, Nova, baby, I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine. Maison is nicer than Kiara anyway...and prettier...and a better kisser.”

I chuckle at her enamored tone. My girl definitely has a big crush.

I don’t bring up her and her little partners talking about my original arrangement with Jay. Jared was right. Just because they think they know what happened, doesn’t mean they actually know what happened. I feel good about the conversation.

“That’s a weird little love triangle, don’t’cha think?” Jay says when I finally break it down for him later.

“Not in the traditional sense, because they all seemed to be okay with it.” I adjust my hold on the phone and shrug. “Not that ‘seeming okay’ is a definite because maybe one of them is holding onto a lot of internal-”

“Stop,” he says and I sigh. “Not the same situation, not even close.”

“Yeah, you’re right. Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. It’s nothing to be sorry about. So...I’m pickin’ you up Saturday morning. We’re gonna have breakfast and then we’re gonna head to Lake Travis. I already got everything set up with Captain James of the _Hard Times_ and we’re gonna have all Saturday night on his yacht. He’s providing bait, I’m bringing fishin’ rods and food and fun. We’re gonna have a good time.”

“Do I _have_ to fish? Can’t I just put on my swimsuit and go swimming while _you_ fish?” I ask with a smile. I want to fish with him. We never really got to do that kind of stuff before. There was too much drama surrounding us to be able to do little things like that. There was too much fear of people seeing us, noticing us. Tom made everything so much harder. Public excursions were rare, usually only for the benefit of the kids. I want to fish with my boyfriend...but I have to tease him a bit.

“You can fish in your swimsuit. You can fish in nothing. But we’re fishing, Baby Girl.”

“Okay,” I say, giggling. “I’ll see you Saturday morning.”

“Can’t wait.”

“Me either. Bye, Jay.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I’m gonna be fine, Mum. Seriously. No parties, no friends over. I’m gonna play my music too loud and watch some porn all by myself. Okay, just go. Have fun! Use protection. I don’t need another little brother.”

Thanks, No. “I’ve packed protection, even if he didn’t, which I’m sure he has.” I pick up my overnight bag and sling it over my shoulder. “I know you’re gonna be fine. I’m not worried in the least. I’m just…” I lean down and hug her as my phone goes off with a text. “I love you. I’m not worried. Don’t worry about me, either, okay?”

She stands from the couch and wraps her arms around me before gesturing at the door. “Have fun,” she repeats.

Jay meets me on the porch. He’s got his swim shorts and deck shoes on and a black Fender t-shirt and he’s shaved off the beard. So simple. So gorgeous.

“You ready, Baby Girl?” He takes my bag from my shoulder and carries it to the truck, opening the door for me to climb up into the cab. When he puts my bag in the bed, I can see two poles and a tackle box in the back too. "I'm excited to get out on the water with you. Captain James said he knows a good place to park, they'll be jumping in the boat."

I smile at him. Such a good Texan boy, all excited about getting some fish on a hook. “It’s gonna be fun to sit on a yacht and stare at the water while waiting for a fish to get curious about a worm on a hook.”

“Stop acting like you don’t understand fishing. I know you grew up in Swampland, Florida.”

“Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve been fishing, though? I was a kid...with a Scooby-Doo fishing pole on the end of a dock and I only ever caught one fish.” Jensen smirks and looks at me before pulling out of the gate and heading toward the highway. “You know you’re the only country boy I’ve ever dated, right? None of my other exes were the fishing type.”

“First off, I’m not an ex anymore. Second, that really doesn’t surprise me. I mean, Nate’s a gamer douchebag, Tom’s...a Shakespearean monster, and Will…” He shrugs. “Well, Will is from Tulsa, so he had the biggest shot of being country but I guess not.”

“Nothing wrong with gamers and nothing wrong with Shakespeare. ‘Monster’ and ‘douchebag’ were the issues...and how do you know where Will is from?”

"Looked him up when you told me you dated," he admits. I do enjoy the honesty of New Jensen. "Couldn't belay the curiosity, ya know? Even if I knew you weren’t with him anymore."

I chuckle and look away. “Will looked you up, too.”

“Really?”

"He wasn’t really big on, uh, pop culture and gossip media, so he didn’t know about my shitty dating history...and he didn’t ask about Mav at first...until he found the box.”

“The box?” I don’t even have to look at him to know his eyebrow is up.

“Memory box. I...couldn’t throw some stuff away. Stupid little things. A menu from Black Bear Pub, a few pictures, the red Sharpie you…” God, this is stupid. He’s gonna think this is ridiculous “...drew that heart on my hand with our initials in the middle in Jacksonville.” I roll my eyes at myself. “The tear-stained sonogram picture from the first OB appointment you went to with me...and the…” I shake my head.

“What?” He looks between me and the road a few times before settling his eyes on the road in front of us. “Come on. What else?”

“The Post-its.” He makes a sound like he has no clue what I’m talking about and I scratch at my cheek. “You were on a phone call when I was pregnant with Mav...something with Singer and Bobo and you were doodling on a pad of Post-it notes and…”

“Your name with little hearts.”

And his last name matched with my first.

“I found it after...it made me smile so I put it away in a drawer. It ended up with my stuff when I sent the movers to collect my things. I couldn’t throw it out.”

Silence falls over us for a few minutes and I’m sure we’re both thinking of lost time and unhappy moments in our past.

“So, Will found the box and…” he leads and I nod.

“Yeah, found the box and asked about the keepsakes so I told him about you, that you were Mav’s dad and you weren’t around anymore. He took it upon himself to look you up. I think he was intimidated. He didn’t bring you up again after that.”

Well, once. To ask if I thought he should cut his hair a bit shorter like Jensen’s.

“Well...we’re makin’ new memories now.”

“Yeah. We are.”

“ _You an’ me goin fishin’ in the dark. Lyin’ on our backs and count the stars, Where the cool grass grows_ ,” he sings, reaching out with his right hand to grab my left.

New memories, old songs.

Jensen buys us breakfast and we eat in the truck as we drive toward Lake Travis. “So...I’ve been marginally famous for seven years now and I have never been on a yacht.”

“It’s nothin’ special, baby. It’s just a big, expensive boat. But, _this_ big, expensive boat is gonna be special because the big master bedroom is the place where I’m gonna strip you down and make you scream again.” I look over at him and he shrugs as he takes a bite of his apple fritter. “Don’t act like you didn’t know that’s where tonight’s gonna lead.”

“Don’t talk with your mouth full of food! You’re gonna be such a bad influence on Mav if you act like a slob!” I tease and he laughs.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

It’s really no wonder that my Scooby-Doo fishing pole ended up a kite reel for my beach kite. This is so boring. The fish are not jumping into the boat. They aren’t biting at the bait. They are completely ignoring our presence.

But Jay does not seem to mind at all. He’s sitting in the chair beside me, he’s got that rod in his hand, leaning between his knees. He’s staring out across the water...at least, I think he is. He’s got aviators on so I can’t see where those gorgeous eyes are.

He looks so fuckin’ zen right now. What is going through his mind right now? He can’t be thinking about fish with that peaceful fucking look on his face.

Why can’t I just zen out like that?

My brain wanders but my eyes don't stray too far from Jensen. He looks so peaceful. And so fucking pretty. He's got this soft smile on his lips and he’s just so fucking…

“Gonna keep starin’ at me?” he asks and my cheeks heat up.

“Maybe. You’re very nice to stare at.”

“We’ll get there, Baby Girl. After the Captain makes us dinner, we’re gonna get there."

"I'm just bored, honey. I’ll be all right.”

His smile brightens significantly and he looks over at me. “You called me ‘honey’.”

I nod. “Yeah. I mean...that’s what I call you when we’re dating. If that’s okay, I mean?”

He reaches up and flips his baseball cap around backward before leaning over to kiss me. “More than okay, Y/n. I love it.”

“And I love _you_.” That’s the first straightforward ‘I love you’ I’ve said to him since we’ve been back. I mean, we’ve said that we’re in love but I haven’t said it like that. Wow, that seems big.

His jaw drops a little and he reaches out to grasp my hand, pulling it up to his lips to press kisses along the back of my hand and my knuckles. “I love you, too,” he whispers.

Oh, that is big.

He sets my hand on my thigh and reels his line back in. “Why don’t we swim a bit?” I reel in my line, too, and I strip down to my swim suit as he peels his shirt off over his head. We put sunscreen on ourselves and each other and we both let our hands linger a little longer than they really need to on muscular shoulders and expanses of skin on our backs. It’s nice.

Swimming is nice, too. And the fish and veggies dinner that Captain James makes for us as the sun is setting over the lake is amazing but I'm half focused on the food the whole time. We got changed out of our swim clothes and dressed up for this dinner and I just don’t give a damn about it. Jensen and I shake the good captain’s hand and I’m almost vibrating with excitement as we head down into the ship, hand in hand, and go to the bedroom. It’s a little small, but we don’t need a lot of space. We just need the bed.

Which is where I sit. Jay closes the door and locks it. He looks around the room a few moments before coming to kneel on the floor in front of me. There’s something about him down on his knees, legs tucked under him, looking up into my eyes. “You know I’ve been imagining this moment for five fucking years.”

“You’ve been imagining getting me on a boat for five years?” I ask, smirking.

He smiles softly and sets his hands on my thighs. “I’ve been imagining getting you on a boat for longer than that, but this...this part...I’ve thought about this a million times. Dreaming of this got me through all the years I’ve been single.”

Wait. I haven’t thought about- “Jensen...when’s the last time you got-”

“ _Don’t_ ask that question.” The ‘don’t’ is all drawn out. “It’s been a long time since I’ve had anything other than my hand...and that…” His cheeks go all pink and he looks away. “I ordered a, uh, a toy. But the point is...I thought about this."

"I just...can't imagine you going so long without sex. I mean, you're-"

"Not a young man anymore. Libido is not what it used to be."

"But you're the same horndog that had to have two women because going for more than a few weeks without sex turned you into an asshole." No way has it just been his hand and a pocket pussy for five years.

"Well, I wasn't really...I wasn't up to dating and I never really liked the idea of a one-night stand. So I made do."

I reach out and caress his blushing cheek. “Jensen, you haven’t-”

He closes his eyes and leans into my touch. “The last time with you.”

And Danneel. The last time was...wow.

I lean down and press a soft kiss to his lips. His eyes stay closed and mine only stay open a bit longer before they flutter closed. His left hand moves to curl around the back of my neck and we deepen the kiss. His right hand starts pushing my dress up my thigh, his fingertips mapping the dips and divots of my thigh muscle.

I start moving down the buttons on his shirt, popping them open and tugging the shirt off of his shoulders. He pulls back to take the shirt off and I slip the straps of my dress down my arms. I'm just sitting here, black dress around my waist, lacy red bra leaving little to the imagination...and he's just staring at me.

"Sorry." He shakes his head and leans up for another kiss. "You're just...the most amazing woman, Y/n."

He gathers my dress in his hands and gently maneuvers it away from my waist and down my legs, leaving me in my lace panty and bra set. He gives me this...reverent look and runs his hands up my body from my ankle to my shoulder. I swallow as he starts kissing my neck. My whole body is starting to heat up and I'm pulsing between my thighs and we've barely even started.

I grab his biceps, big fucking arms gonna stabilize me, as he starts nibbling at my pulse point. Oh my god. This is...oh my god.

He goes slow, kissing across my skin, using those perfect teeth sparingly...just enough to make me gasp. He's not doing a lot of talking, just letting out a 'beautiful' or a 'perfect' every once in a while, a whispered 'fuck' when he pulls my bra off. This is different.

This is not the playful, lusting interaction from the movie theater or the take-charge 'I'm going to make you feel good after all that teasing' aftermath of the Hill Country. This is something...soulful and beautiful. This is beautiful and loving. This should be scary...but it's not.

"Lay back, Baby Girl." I lean back, but I stay up on my elbows so I can watch him as he puts himself between my thighs. He kisses up the inside of one and I'm _vibrating_ with anticipation. Oh I just realized his hair is long enough to tug and I'm gonna get to tug on it. I'm gonna joy in tugging on it.

His tongue runs flat across the seam of my pussy lips, over the lace of my underwear, and I gasp out loud, dropping from my elbows to stare at the ceiling until he sucks at my clit through my panties and my eyes roll back. Fuck. Oh fucking fuck, that tongue.

And he just keeps going and going and my whole body is just right on the edge and he’s not letting tip over and my abs are all tight and my toes are curled and I’m barely getting air into my lungs and I need- “Please!” I beg, writhing under him. He pulls away and curls his fingers in the waistband of my underwear and tugs them down quick, licking a wet, hot strip between my lips.

My hands grab at his hair, his hands tuck under my ass to hold me closer to his face. I barely hold in a scream, forcing it to morph into a guttural groan as he finally gives me the orgasm I've been chasing. I dig my heels into his upper back as I twist and my whole body clenches up. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

He doesn't say anything as he climbs up my body, pushing his slacks down with one hand as he licks at my nipples. He reaches into the side table and pulls out a condom and I grab it out of his hand, pressing my lips to his and sucking lightly at his bottom lip. I can taste myself on him and I chase it around his mouth with my tongue for a minute before I wrap my hand around his cock. He hisses and then groans as I sweep my thumb over the head of him. His hands move to rest on my neck, thumbs caressing my cheeks as we kiss while I open the condom without looking at it and roll it down his length.

This is it. This is the thing I haven’t let myself think too hard on over the last five years. This, him laying me down, kissing me sweetly, slowly maneuvering his cock into me where we both need it...but it’s not needy. God, this isn’t about need any more than it’s about want. This isn’t lust driving us to do this. This isn’t about the physical, the physical just enhances the emotional...the spiritual. This is him looking in my eyes, his jaw dropped down as his face hovers over mine.

This is making love. This is something I’ve had with no other person in my entire fucking life. This is what I never thought I’d get again.

I run my hand up to his hair and twist my fingers in the strands as he gets into me and gives an extra little thrust to make me gasp, his cock pressing against my cervix. I pull him down for a kiss as he starts giving shallow thrusts of his hips. It’s so perfect. We move slowly, sweetly, making new maps of old familiar territories. We don’t have to rush. We have all night to explore.

“Flip on your side and gimme your leg, Baby Girl,” he says, quietly, as he pulls out of me. I roll over and offer my leg, which he puts on his shoulder. He kisses my calf as he slips back into me. This angle is amazing, it’s hitting spots I didn’t even know I wanted hit. “Oh, God.”

I nod in agreement as he leans forward and grabs my boob, digging his fingers in as he fucks me. He keeps going like that for a while, but then he pulls out again, kisses me before flipping me over onto my hands and knees. It takes absolutely no time in this position for me to be moaning out high-pitched praises to the Heavens and harsh expletives.

And the noise. The noise comes out of me as he’s grinding his hips into my ass and rubbing his fingers into my clit. Badge of honor.

The whiny noise turns into an almost-guttural, animalistic noise as my toes curl and I cum all over his cock. His hand moves from my clit to hold my hips and he starts thrusting hard into me, impacting my cervix so hard it hurts...but I don’t think I even care because he needs to cum. I want him to cum with my pussy clenched around him. Fuck, it’s been so long.

I clench hard and he groans and leans over me, dropping his forehead to my back, between my shoulder blades. He grunts as his breath catches and his cock pulses in me, then he gasps out hot and humid on my skin. His breath catches again and he kisses my back as his thrusts slow. “That was so perfect,” he mumbles against my skin. I nod as he pulls out of me and leans away, panting.

I turn over and look up at him. His hair is matted to his forehead, sticky with sweat, face all red and flushed. Eyes shining with love.

“I love you, Jensen.”

He looks completely awed for a moment before he leans down to kiss me again. “I will never not be grateful to hear those words,” he whispers. “I’ll never take you for granted ever again, Y/n.”

“I believe you,” I whisper back.

We kiss again and he leans back, rolling off the bed and removing the condom and picking up his boxers. “Did you pack PJs?” he asks.

I shake my head and roll over to pick Jay’s shirt up off the ground. “I’ll wear this.”

“No complaints outta me, sweetheart.” He steps into his boxers as I pull his shirt on over my head. We settle into the bed and under the covers, him spooning me and pressing kisses to my neck and shoulder. “Thank you for letting me try to do this right, Baby Girl.”

“It’d’ve been a grave injustice to both of us if I didn’t, Jay.” I let my eyes drift closed. I’m so comfortable and relaxed and happy. Nothing wrong in the world tonight. Not a single thing, because there’s nothing in the world tonight except this embrace on this stupid boat...and it is perfect.


End file.
